Monét
After Tay won the fight , she's more at peace , she visited her sister's grave more , but she still missed her, just like I missed my brother and my dad.
Crying everyday for the ones you love that left earth is a whole different type of pain , grieving for your loved ones is not easy, sometimes you just feel like giving up on life because what's the point of living if they are not here.
There's that hole that no one can ever fill, it's a deep wound that takes forever to heal , sometimes it doesn't , it's just life.
Tay has been a bit uneasy , "Baby what's wrong? I noticed how your smile doesn't reach your eyes like it usually does, what's wrong? Do you miss your sister?", I asked her.
She didn't look at me, "Come on look at me", she sighed and looked into my eyes.
"No it's not that", I frowned.
"Then what is it?", I asked looking into her eyes searching for an answer, "I don't want to hurt you", I was so confused right now.
"Babe what are you talking about? I'm so confused", I asked her.
"It's just that - fuck I'm sorry", what?
"Why are you apologizing? What are you talking about?, I swear if you don't-
She stood up, "Okay fine I'll tell you...l met Alicia , she apologized and she told me it was a mistake and she wasn't thinking, she said she loves and I love her too , I haven't gotten over her", she told me and tears escaped her eyes and my whole world was suddenly quiet and everything stopped.
"Are you telling me that you want to get back with her?", I asked in a small voice looking into her eyes.
I stood up , she nodded looking down, "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!", I asked her tears running down my cheeks.
"I'm so sorry", she apologized.
"You made me fall for you so hard, then made me believe that you actually love me! You made me feel all those thing but you didn't feel the same! What the fuck Taylor!", I yelled at her , my heart hurt so much.
"I meant everything I said and all our days and nights spent together meant a lot to me, I swear", she said.
"Then if you meant them then why are you breaking my heart Taylor? Huh?! You want her right?! Not me right?!", I yelled at her and she didn't respond.
"Oh! You can't speak anymore, I can't believe you, I thought you wanted me not her, I fucking love you, gave you my all, I feel so complete with you, I'm always at my happiest with you, you pulled me out of a really dark place and I'm forever thankful for that , l just thought I make you as happy as you make me but it seems like I'm not enough just like my mom thinks I'm not enough", I told her tears flowing uncontrollably.
"It's not that you're not enough", she spoke and l laughed.
I laughed so hard, "Then what is it? What is it Tay huh? It's clear that you want her not me, I'm not gonna sit here and beg you to want me when your heart really wants someone else", we were both crying but she has no right to cry.
I'm hurt more than she is , "You broke me Taylor, you found me in a mess , we should've stayed friends maybe if I didn't tell you how I felt we wouldn't be doing this right now", she stepped closer to me but I took a step back letting her know that I don't want her close to me right now.
She wiped her tears, "I'm so sorry Monét, I don't know what's wrong with me, I genuinely love you so much but I still love her, I can't help but want her I'm sorry for breaking you so much , maybe you should cut me off and you go heal? I'm so fucking sorry I'll forever feel guilty for this"
"Sorry is not going to do anything for me right now, you broke me! It hurts okay it hurts so much, I want you and you don't want me but you made me believe that you want me do you how much that hurts? I let myself open up to you, I let you see all of me and I gave you the last piece of my love that I had left knowing that I am broken but I still gave you love but you don't seem to see how much you've ruined me", I said crying into my hands.
I felt so weak , I wish I could die.
It hurts so much, this is the worst type of pain I've ever experienced, "I can't even stand you right now Taylor, you have no idea how much damage you've done",I stood up to leave.
"Monét wait... I feel worse right now, rather you kill me than I live knowing what I did to you", she told me and I turned around to face her.
"No I'd rather die than feel this way", I ran out the door , walking back home.
I practically ran home with tears flowing , I knew I looked like a complete mess but I don't care.
xoxo.
