Stone's Diary: Kairo

Chapter 73.) Where I Wanna Be pt. 2

What is fear? As the world knows it, fear has been defined in multiple ways but for Lucky, it's an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation. A basic, yet extreme feeling stimulated by the detection of looming danger. In this case, the villain was Love. But fear had a way of taking a person by the hand to the things that they tried to keep and protect as precious. Fear had a hold on Lucky's mental. It had a hold on his emotional state, to some degree.

But who taught him how to fear? Who made him afraid? What made him afraid? Fearful of Love? Terrified to love? Love was supposed to be one of the most desired emotions, yet he was afraid and wanted to run. Run far away with no attempt in looking back. It was supposed to be easy but it felt so hard to manage and understand. He was afraid of the future, yet wanted to desperately steer clear of his past. But how could he? How would he?

Fear was not dependent on instinctive responses, but it's been taught and shaped by society. Cultures, that showed and told people when and how much to fear.  But for Lucky, a lot of his fears stemmed from buried trauma and unspoken threats. Love was banging at the door and he had no intentions of letting it in, but it found its way. It crept right in like a thief in the night in the form of her; Ava.

She scared him. To know that no matter what he tried or how much he tried to push her away, Ava had her name secured deep into his heart. His thoughts. Love was a common enemy of Lucky's and there was never a moment or time of day where he figured he would have to face it or let it in. It was a virus to him. A disease that his body wanted to fight off but his heart betrayed him. How could it turn on him for someone it barely knew?

His traumas came into play.

Things that he needed to forget and keep tucked away, came out swinging. The way that trauma can happen at any given moment, and come and go faster than the speed of lightning or a bullet. It lingered with him for years. But the moment he met her... his mean-ass headache; the one who made him feel as if it was ok to be soft in a sense, she opened the door for him to allow in unconscious healing. Trauma affects the body and brain. Igniting the stress hormone and making you anxious.

But despite the bad, there was a ton of good that lingered and rested with the 25-year-old. He wanted to let it in, but at the same time, he wanted to fight it. Being vulnerable made him anxious. He wanted so desperately to let this gentle yet dangerous feeling into his life, but he was scared. He knew himself. He knew how he could get when he felt backed into a corner, and love made him feel as if he had to always be in fight or flight mode.

What was he running from?

He was running from a lot of things if he were being honest. He was still trying to get into the habit of tolerating people that only wanted to do good in his life. He had two women in his life that have been trying hard to pull him out of his protective barrier, yet there was a feisty 21-year-old that broke him down in a matter of months. How was he to explain that? How was he to explain that he felt as if he could trust a woman because of her energy? How was he supposed to explain that her aura reminded him of his mom? How was he supposed to explain that he felt safe in confiding in a woman that he barely even knew because he was in love with her daughter?

He felt as if in some way he betrayed them. They were blood. His aunt and baby sister, yet he was more comfortable with talking to his girlfriend and her mother. Was he trying to replace his mom or his aunt and sister? Not at all, but he couldn't push Renae away. He couldn't explain it, but there was a gnawing at his heart, a nudge against his shoulder that told him that it was ok. That she was safe. He barely knew her, but he trusted her. Ava did that. She changed him. He wanted to fight it but what good would that do?

He used to always hear that people were born to love. That he was supposed to feel secure in it. To feel ok with developing unfamiliar bonds and feeling a part of a family. He had boundaries. They were set in stone for a reason. To keep him safe. To keep him detached from feeling. From seeing the world as those with a beating heart could. He wanted to remain unmoved. Uninterested. Unable to feel as others could and did. He wanted to be able to pick up and leave whenever with no sense of guilt or thought.