Her Narcissist

"The Right Intentions"

laja

"Fuck!" I turn off my morning alarm and groan.

I got an hour before my classes and I'm not even ready. How many times had I pressed snooze on my phone? I struggle up and steady myself as the effects of last night take hold of me. Everyone storming away from me.

The drinks.

The revenge.

The revelations.

Usually, I just throw on a fit that matches and head out the door, but I know that now more than ever all eyes are gonna be on me. Do you really mean that? I shake Eileah's voice out of my head and promise myself my AirPods are gonna stay in my ears for the whole day.

I head out the door in light blue jeans and a Rockets jersey and pass by my neighbor across the hall. "Hey, Laja. I see you doing better," she comments, nodding her head at me like I was doing a service to the world by feeling better. "Thanks," I say back, heading down to my Hummer. Although it would have been nice to to pop back up on campus with a fresh car, my aunt couldn't send all of the money to replace the windows just yet.

I listened to my calm playlist on my drive to class, even though my hands were still shaking furiously on the wheel. Delya had mentioned rumors. Were there really rumors going on about me? And Tae goes to a separate college. I'm sure he didn't waste any time telling his friends about me. I don't want this reputation around.

It sucked that it took for hell to practically fall to Earth for me to realize that I valued how people saw me and I cared about my reputation. That I love Eileah. I had been getting enough looks at my car before because it was a Hummer, now I'm getting even more because of the black garbage bags in the window areas. As soon as I get out I know that all eyes will be on me.

I take in deep shaky breaths, trying to fumble around on my phone for the right playlist. "C'mon. C'mon. Load," I whisper to my phone. This is why I need friends. You can't always rely on your phone, you know? But I'm too horrible to make friends.

I don't even understand myself. Why would I want Eileah to join into my complicated world?

I finally get the courage to get out of my vehicle and walk to my class, gaze straight ahead as I listen to Kendrick Lamar. I forced myself to focus on the lyrics of one of his songs I hadn't heard of before and not on the way I felt like all eyes were on me.

I entered the class and the teacher immediately stopped me. "Uh, Laja. The dean wanted to talk to you," she tells me. I hide my gulp and just nod. "Where do I go?" I ask, avoiding making eye contact with anybody else in the class.

"Just up the stairs in Building A, past the secretary, and then a left," she instructed me. I nod and leave the classroom, finally able to breathe for a couple of seconds. A sinking feeling settled into me. I don't want to come back here. What am I even here for? I'm not smart and I don't seem to be doing anything with my life except for making it worse.

By the time I reached the door to the dean's office, I knew in my heart that I wouldn't be coming back to Lone State Private College.

Whether on the school's terms or my own.

"Thank you," I nod and leave the older Italian man's office. I hadn't actually gotten into any trouble. I was just made known of the school's therapy circles, of student support groups, and that extra security would be on campus.

I'm still not coming back, I thought clearly in my head. I look down at my phone and see that ten minutes are left in class. Should I walk extra slow from here back to my class, or should I just leave? No point in suffering through ten awkward minutes of class when I can save myself the anxiety for the rest of my classes today.