The truth always comes out eventually

Chapter 18

*5 years go*

Writing is set five years ago but is in first person (hope that makes sense)

TW: Talk of Suicide Thoughts (not in-depth just idealization)

Meredith's POV:

I can't believe it I've given birth to a beautiful baby boy but I can't help but wish Derek were here to see his son maybe if I had stayed in Seattle things would have been different but I also know that I would be known as the home wrecker and my son Noah would be known as the adulterous love child, oh how I wish things were different.

I'm so tired not just physically but mentally and emotionally, Sam is talking to me but I can't hear what he is saying all I can think about is how am I going to do this and what if I turn out to be like my mother? Will Noah grow up to despise me just like I do with mine, I don't know if I can do this without Derek by my side.

"Meredith? Have you even been listening to me?"

Of course, I hadn't been but I don't want to come off as rude and for Sam to hate me I have enough people hating me as it is, Cristina and the gang probably do for me leaving them without even a simple, not goodbye, I told my mother and she just told me I was a disappointment. And oh Derek he must hate me the most for leaving him and not answering his multiple calls before I changed my number.

"As I said before Meredith, if you need me to I am more than happy to stay and help you out for the first few weeks to help you get settled in."

"I'll be fine Sam, I can do this."

"I know you can Mer, but I just want to help you."

"I don't need help, I've been looking after myself all of my life I can look after my son by myself, I don't need your pity offer just because I am a single mother."

//

*2 weeks go by*

Noah won't stop crying, my hair is a mess, I haven't lost any of the baby weight I feel utterly useless even my son doesn't like me, I just wish I had Derek with me he could make everything all better.

If I'm being totally honest I haven't been like myself, I've fallen into this dark place I don't want to do anything besides sleep, I've lost my appetite and my energy to do anything but it's okay I'm fine, I can do this. I can do this by myself.

I ....... am ......... fine......

//

*Another 2 weeks*

Another two weeks have passed, and I can't believe Noah is now 4 weeks old this should be a joyous time but all I feel is sadness and emptiness somehow I have managed to isolate myself from the outside world and created myself a bubble of just Noah and me. Of course, I am looking after Noah feeding him, changing him but somehow along the way I forgot to look after myself proving mother right by being the disappointment she knew I would become.

I just wish things were different, maybe if I had told Derek, tried harder to contact him, or even stayed maybe I would be happier, be cleaner, and want to be here. But as much as it seems comforting I can't leave Noah.

I know I may not be okay but I have to keep pushing through all the pain and sorrow I may be feeling to give Noah the life I promised myself I would give him.

//

*Another 2 weeks just so a month and a half have passed.*

Time has moved so slowly...

I don't feel like myself, I cry all the time, I can't move I feel stuck.

There are days when I hope I fall asleep and don't wake up because everything is just getting too much and I don't know what to do.

Noah is now a month and a half old and he is starting to look more like Derek each day, I wish things were different.

There's a knock at the door but I can't move, I want to go see who it is but I can't move.

"Meredith Elizabeth Grey!"

Shit, it's Sam.

//

*Another 2 weeks*

Two weeks ago Sam came to the house unexpectedly and honestly I don't think I would be here today two weeks on, he came and saw how lost and vulnerable I was and despite my many protests he got me the help I desperately needed but couldn't see how ill I had gotten.

I have been diagnosed with postpartum depression, since I was having suicide idealization I was on the psych ward for a 36-hour evaluation which I didn't enjoy considering I was missing out on looking after Noah, but I know now that if Sam didn't do what he did I was putting Noah at more harm then good.

I've been given anti-depressants and Sam is forcing me to go to therapy because even though I have told him countless times I am fine he doesn't seem to believe it.

"Meredith, let's go you're going to be late for your session."

"What about Noah??? I can't just leave him, Sam, I haven't been in Boston long I don't know a whole lot of people."

"Calm down Mer, I will look after him plus all he does is sleep and eat. I'll take him somewhere and then come and pick you up."

"But-"

"No buts Meredith you completely isolated yourself and didn't take care of yourself probably you need to go do this."

"God I hate it when you're right but when we get back you're telling me how your date when with Josh?"

"Andrew, Josh was weeks ago."

"Oh but still you have to tell me."

//

*Still set five years ago.*

Derek's POV:

Meredith has been gone for nearly 11 months, nothing is the same I miss her like crazy damn it why couldn't I choose her? Pick her? She is the love of my life why was I so blind. Don't get me wrong I loved Addison with all my heart but she cheated on me, which in perspective is turned out to be a good thing because I meet Meredith. But I was a dick and couldn't sign the papers and lost her which seems and feels like I have forever.

I am currently still with Addison but we both know that the marriage isn't working, we know that the love we share has slowly faded and that I have fallen for another woman. We both know we should get a divorce but somehow we can't bring ourselves to throw those almost 12 years away so soon. Yet I'm wanting to be with Meredith more each day.

No one knows where she went she left without even a simple goodbye, she didn't pick up my countless calls which I guess I deserved but oh the things I would just to smell her lavender hair, listen to her giggle, see her nose scrunch up whenever she is concentrating or her rambling when she is nervous. I would do anything to be with my Meredith again.

Hi everyone! I am so sorry for not updating, I hope this makes sense it is set five years back in mainly Mer's perspective but a glimpse of Derek's. I hope you enjoyed reading :)

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Have a great day!