The truth always comes out eventually

Chapter 17

TW: mentions postpartum depression if this is a sensitive topic, don't read ahead.

Meredith's POV:

Derek is looking at me with worry in his eyes waiting for what I'm going to say next but if I am being honest I have no clue how I start the conversation with him, he will be upset with me not telling him sooner and for not getting help sooner.

"Meredith, you can tell me anything I'm here to listen."

"Derek, you may get upset but I have to tell you this because I think I'm ready to tell you and you're ready to know. "

"Meredith, you're scaring me what's wrong?"

This is it, now or never the part of the pregnancy and first few months of Noah's life that Derek is unaware of.

"After Noah was born, I didn't look after myself and everything was so stressful I wasn't eating or sleeping. I wasn't myself I was sad all the time and sometimes couldn't even move to go and comfort Noah, which I know makes me seem like a horrible mother but Derek now I see that I was suffering from postpartum depression. I isolated myself from my friends and neighbors, Sam kept calling me and I wouldn't respond he knew something was wrong and came and visited me if he didn't, I honestly have no clue where I would be I spent months going to therapy and got given antidepressants which I've been taken off of. Derek, I wanted to tell you so many times but I wasn't ready for you to know I was afraid you would hate me for keeping it from you but I'm okay now and Noah turned out alright despite what the first few months of his life were like."

Derek just stared blankly at me even in the darkness I can tell he has the look of confusion and concern written across his face.

"Derek please say something."

Derek's POV:

I'm speechless, shocked, sad, confused, relived? So many emotions run through my head and I'm trying to think of what to say to Meredith but no words are leaving my mouth.

"Derek? You're worrying you."

"I don't know what to say, Meredith. I mean I'm glad you finally told me but I'm also feeling all these emotions that I'm trying to understand but Meredith I could have helped you, I could have helped Noah I just wish it was me instead of Sam who saved you and gave you the help you needed."

"Derek you couldn't have helped me, Sam was there for me when you weren't and that isn't fair I know but I did try to reach you."

"I know but you could have called Mark or Cristina."

"Don't you think I tried? Mark I assume blocked me as soon as you did and I couldn't call Cristina because she wasn't who I needed, you were who I needed at that moment but you blocked me, Derek, you cut me out. I was willing to let you be apart since the day I found out but I just couldn't be in Seattle. I tried Derek I did but you blocked me and cut me out of your life, not me."

"Are we seriously back to this again Meredith? I've apologized countless times, but you were the one who could have come back anytime you pleased!"

"You were married, Derek! How the fuck was I supposed to know you got a divorce you weren't picking up your damn phone!"

"You left Seattle how the hell was I supposed to know you were pregnant?"

"By answering your phone Derek, if you hadn't blocked me and replied to me instead of pushing to the side like I was the girl you fucked to get over your wife and your best friend sleeping together. That's all I ever was to your fling, wasn't I? Because it sure as hell felt like it."

"Of course, you weren't Meredith, you're the love of my life. All I'm saying is you could've come back."

"That's not where you listening to me Derek, if I came back before I did you would have hated me more than you currently do, Addison would have still been here. Do you not understand that after Noah was born that's all I could think about? That this. What we are doing now arguing took up all of my energy and time to the point I was slowly losing myself. Why can't you get it into your thick head and ego of yours to understand that I couldn't come back here."