Her Random Thoughts (Confessions)

Akala ko.. Pero hindi pala..

When I was young, I always thought that life is a paradise. Yung puro saya lang, tawa. I always thought that life is perfect. But now that I'm old enough, I realized that I thought wrong. Di lang pala puro saya, may lungkot at iyak din. Life isn't perfect pala.

The world can hurt you, it can disappoint you, frustrate you until you breakdown and cry. Life can knocks you down a thousand times. Paulit- ulit. Life will never get tired of giving you a test, a problem.. even upsetting you.

I myself, experience it too. Once? Twice? Thrice? Oh scratch that. It's actually more than thrice. I also realized na habang pala lumalaki ka, lumalaki din ang problema. I admit, I want to grow fast before. I want to experience how it is to be free. To meet people and build a friendship with them, to have your own 'lakad' without your parents, to decide on my own. Just to experience how to be independent.

But now that I'm grown up. Old enough to decide on my own. Already experienced all I want to experience. Now that I knew what life really is and what it is all about, I just want to go back. Go back to that 6 or 7 year old lil girl. Who's the only problem is how can she sneak out to play everytime her mother wants her to sleep. Go back to the time when I'm only a 6 year old girl with no worries and cares in the world. Who just do whatever makes her happy. Isn't it so ironic? That's human nature I guess.

Isa pa, mas madali kasing gamutin yung sugat sa tuhad kesa sa sugat sa puso. Mas madaling magpatawad. Mas madaling kalimutan yung mga away-bata kesa sa mga disappointments, frustrations at regrets mo ngayon sa buhay.

Sana talaga bata nalang ako ulit. Yung ang problema ko lang eh kung pano ko makakatakas para maglaro, kung sino ang mas mahal ko.. nanay o tatay. Yung kung pano ako makakapagkulay ng walang lagpas. Kung pano ko magagawa mga assignments ko. At yung ang iniiyakan ko lang eh yung mga laruan at simpleng bagay.

Dati, kapag umiiyak ako nilalakas ko pa para mapansin nila ko. Para amkita nilang umiiyak ako. Na di ako okay. Na nasasaktan ako. I always bleed for their attention. Pero ngayon, kulang nalang magtago ako sa kung saan man wag lang nila kong makitang umiiyak.

I used to cry silently, alone. When life disappoints me, hurt me, upsets me, I always cry alone.

I thought life is easy. But no, it's not. It's really not. Mahirap pala.

One more thing that I've realized, it's easy to confess or say your feelings when you're only 6, 7, or 8 years old. Mas madaling sabihing 'NANAY, MASAKIT." , "NANAY, ANG HIRAP", "NANAY, NAKAKAPAGOD", "NANAY NAKAKAIYAK" .

I'm the type of person who likes to pretend that I'm okay, that I'm strong even when I'm really not. I always smile, laugh a lot so that I can show to them that everything's alright. That I'm not hurting.

"Yes. I may be look happy but inside.. I'm crying.. I'm breaking."