Her Random Thoughts (Confessions)

The One That Got Away

In another life.. I would be your girl.. We'd keep all our promises.. Be us against the world

In another life.. I would make you stay.. So I don't have to say.. You were the one that got away.. The one that got away..

For him who taught me so many things in life..

For him who told me to be myself..

For him whom I love for the past several months..

For my the one that got away..

I know you're happy now.. with her.. it's written all over your face. No. You don't need to deny it, neither hide it. It's okay. Fine with me.

You don't need to care about me.. about how I feel.. about how I'm miserable right now. Don't bother yourself to check me if I'm happy because it is so obvious that I am not.

But no worries, I'll be fine.. maybe not now but someday I will.

I know I should've known better that it'll end here. There was so many warnings, so many signs. But I neglected it.

I thought I'm strong enough to faced it but no. How can I ever win you if you already chooses her? How will I going to fight for my position if that's already hers? And how will I going to continue chasing for you if even we so called 'Tadhana' doesn't allow me? Unfair right? I'm fighting for you.. ALONE.

I know I should move on.. I should've done it after that day.

But it just one of the hardest thing to do.

How can I move on when I'm still in love with you?

How can I start over if 'yesterday' and 'what ifs' haunting me?

Was it really my fault? All my fault?

Dapat ba hindi ako umalis? Dapat ba hindi kita iniwan noon?

Akala ko kasi wala lang yung nararamdaman ko noon para sayo eh. Akala ko makakalimutan ko din.

Dapat din ba sineryoso ko yung mga biro mo noon? Hindi ko naman alam eh.. we were so close and comfortable to each other back then that I thought we were protecting each other like 'Brothers and Sisters'.

I never thought.. even in my wildest dream that I will fall for you this hard. Neither that I imagine that I would do such things just for you.

You really got me I guess.. and I felt so stupid for that.

Sabi nila mali.. sabi nila ang tanga ko.

Alam mo bang galit sila sayo? Sa nangyari? I can't blame them though. We were at fault. At mali talaga yung ginawa natin.

I know I already said to myself countless times that I'm ready to let you go. To really let you go. But it still hard to accept the fact that we didn't have a chance to be officially together. 

But yeah, life goes on and I should as well.

But before I let you go.. please hear my sentiments. Please let me do this as I bid goodbye to you.. to our memories.. please hear this because I promise.. this will be the last time that I am going to say your name.. the last time that I'll let myself think about you, the last time that I will let my tears streams down on my face because of you. And the last time that you will be on my blogs.

Thank you.. for everything you've done to me.. either be good or bad.

Thank you for coming into my life to teach me some lessons.

Thank you for leaving me, for I am now learning to be more independent.

Thank you for hurting me, for breaking my heart, for I know I'll just getting stronger.. 

Thank you for letting me know that I am capable to love.

Thank you for holding my hand all through out this hard and rough journey we've been.

Thank you for letting 'OURS'  go.. for we both know it's the better for the both of us.

Sorry.. for being a bitch.. selfish at times..

Sorry for being a brat and childish.. 

Sorry for making you bad in the eyes of many..

Sorry for letting you the monster in my story..

Sorry for I became a self-centered..

Sorry for blaming you for everything that is happening in my life now..

Sorry for I wasn't strong enough to hold on tighter.

Sorry for I already murdered you many times in my mind.. I just have to do it. For myself.. was it wrong?

Its been four months since we decided to let each other go. But it always hurt the same.

Within that four months, I realized that I should love myself first before loving someone. That I should care for myself the way I cared for you. That I should fight for myself the same way I fought for you.

I slowly doing it. Once? Twice? And I think I should do that more often. Right?

I also realized that no matter what you do, if it isn't for you, it'll never be. And I think, I have to accept that you're not for me. Oh yeah.. kill me if I will say that thinking 'bout it doesn't hurt.

Thinking about you hurts.. loving you hurts.. everything about you is hurting me.. so I should really stop loving you.

Hey, you already stop loving me right? Please say yes.

Take care of yourself.. please.. also.. take care of her.. don't ever make her cry.. don't ever hurt her.. okay? Promise me to always listen to her.. and please hold on her tight. Don't ever let her go because you bastard.. I'm telling you, you will going to regret it.

Also please stop keeping an eye on me. Act like you don't know me. Pretend that I never existed in your world. Yes, you can forget about me. That's fine with me.

Can I ask you a favor? 

Please continue on avoiding me. Make me feel that you hated me or that I am not welcome anymore.

Please help me to forget. Help me to move on. Save me from drowning. Help me so that I can forget you.

I love you bastard! I love you! You hear that? I love you! I love you! I love you! You fool!

Time will come that our paths will cross again.. and you will see.. I am not the same anymore. And we will be really strangers to each other. But please try to look in my eyes. You know that eyes can't lie. You will still see yourself on it. Because you already in my heart. We will never be meant for each other but.. you will always have a special spot on my heart. 

Goodbye my 'THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY'.. till we meet again.