Her Random Thoughts (Confessions)

Manhid

Manhid.. numb.. naive.. 

Do you ever feel that?

When was the last time you experienced that?

Well, if you're asking me if I ever experience being naive.. numb.. or whatever you called it.

YES. I too been in that situation. Experienced feeling nothing at all years back then.

It was one of the most terrible experience I've been with.

But how would you know that you were starting to feel being naive? Being insensitive?

Actually it's not our system that's getting numb.  Our system will never experience that because of our sensory neurons that sends thousands of feelings to our system, to our body.

Mind you it's our heart that gets the feeling of being naive. Yes, pathetically speaking.. it is.

Going back to my question, you will know that you were starting to feel it when you can't sense any emotion every time he accidentally cross your mind.

It is when you suddenly lost that giddy feeling towards him every time you see him. 

It is when even a plain emotion can't register into your system.

It is when you want to shout at him. Let him know that he's the reason of all your burdens. That he's the main reason behind your tears but when you get a chance.. face to face.. you can't even utter a word or find any emotion for him because there's simply none.

It is when you see him with other girl and  your reaction weren't the same as the normal reaction can get from a girl who seen her apple of the eye with someone else.

And most of all, it is when you want to slap him hard but can't do it simply because you didn't feel any anger, hatred or pain in your heart.

When I experienced it, I asked myself.. why I suddenly feel nothing at all? Why even though I want to get angry with him, blame him for everything I've felt.. I know in my heart that I can't. 

Seems my heart stopped beating for him.. stopped screaming his name.

Like a machine that suddenly stops working because it is overuse.

Like a child who stops telling the world what she wants to be because she felt that no one seems to care about it. That no matter how loud her shouts can be, still it'll never be heard.

So I came up with this conclusion.. my heart got numb because it was overused. Because he seems not to care about me, my feelings. That no matter how my heart yearns for him still he will never heard it simply because he don't want to.

Looks like my heart is finally awaken from its dream. From its Illusion.

Acceptance? Was my heart finally accepted defeat? The hurtful truth?

Or was my heart just simply gets tired being wrecked? Being cut into small pieces?

I was so confused that time. Frustrated for I can't find answers to my questions. I didn't even understand why I had to felt that way. All I know that time was even though he caused me pain, I'm not angry with him.. every time he smiles.. my heart doesn't flutter anymore. . every time he's near, my system doesn't panic at all. Though I know for a fact that I still madly in love with him. Head over heals.

That feeling? It sucked me up. I love him but I felt nothing for him. Odd right?

How am I able to surpassed that experience?

I just let it sucks me. Eat my heart out. That I had to wake up feeling odd each day because it drowns me.

As the old quote say "Time heals all wounds".  As the day gone by, you will realize that you were started to feel any kind of emotions again. That you can't feel any weird feeling inside your heart. That's it. You were free once again. You were back to your old self.

Being naive or numb or whatever you call it isn't that bad. Maybe it's the only way our heart can say that we deserve a break. Break from all the pain and hatred we've been experiencing. So if you don't want to experience it again, better give yourself a break. Give your hear a break.

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-LheyLays<3