Book #2

what changed?

recently i've been feeling it really hard. everything feels like i can't get work done. i'm hyperaware of my emotions, negative feelings especially, and how often i dissociate. i want so badly to break down in someone's company just to have it go through. i feel like i'm edging a mental breakdown up a hill so high i can't see through the clouds. but maybe it's already been happening. maybe i can't get anything done because my mind has already broken down. for once in my life i'm feeling really mad at myself. i hate the way i am. i wish i could do something about it. i wish i had answers for why i do this, and, hopefully, a connected way out. "just take this medication and you'll be better! you'll be fixed!" and yet i'm so scared to pursue it in the case that it won't be like that. that the medication won't work. that it'll be worse. that i'll have no diagnosis. that i'll be taught that stupid lesson just one more time-
reaching
out
doesn't
help
but it does. and i know i'm just hurt. and i know i'm just wishing and wishing in a world where that does very little. but i know deep inside that it isn't meant to be like this. that i have to ability to be better. that i was better, once. but what changed?
my only answer is everything. so i grasp desperately at the past, trying to reach out to what was, to what i knew. and it still hurts. just in a different way.