Book #2

procrastinate a little more

i know

how easy it is

put it off

put it off

just a little longer

it's not due yet

just this one video

i'm not really feeling it right now

there's plenty of time left

i'm tired

let me eat first

subconscious erasure of the task

and then 

the last hours

rush to get it done

it's okay

you did a good job on it at least

i try not to reward the procrastination

but 

i've found that

recently

as i've been trying more and more often

to get on top of things ahead of time

there's a conscious pushback

i see even a slight effort needed for the task

and immediately want to do something else

i know it will take a lot longer to do without the rush of adrenaline

that push to get it done

it's so hard

to focus

that's why everything has always taken me so long,

i'm starting to think.

and even more so

when i try to push myself to focus

there's this other part of me

cruel

mean

berating

who did this to me?

i don't need to answer that - i already know too well

it yells at me

it sends me visuals on bashing my head against a wall

to focus

why is it so hard for you

to just do this

pay attention

get back on topic

don't get distracted

i thought i'd went about this before

the whole thing where i can't be mean to myself

or whatever this is

treating myself as more than whole

as multiple, and more of a conversation

between multiple people

friends,

who care for each other

and wouldn't treat each other this way.

what changed?

oh

oh no

maybe it's worse than i thought.