Book #2

impatient

i actually
seriously considered it
just the other day
and it scared me
how okay with it i was
i said
"i'll walk into the lake"
"how will you get there?"
"i'll drive to the lake and i'll walk in"
"you'll float"
"i'll get a rock
no,
i'll put a weight in my backpack
strap it on
so it can't come off
i'll walk off the dock
so i sink all the way down"
and the image of the little kit Velvet popped up,
sticking his head out
"i'll bring them,
i'll bring my friends
i'll put all my favorite stuffed animals in the bag
maybe they'll try to float
but they can't compete with 45, 90 pounds of the extra added weights"
"can you even walk with that much?"
"we'll find out
i'll even donate everything else i have
hide the evidence
that i ever existed
leave no memories"
"they'll still miss you, you know"
"let them hurt"
"would you let them know first?"
"you know how it was with Star
closure will only hurt them more
i can't haunt them
i have to move on"
"so what will happen to you
when it happens
when we die?"
"i'll move on
i'll come back
as something else
i'll be a jay."
"..."
"...?"
"what about Her?"
"She's only God.
we'll talk
and She'll let me go"
"She'll be disappointed"
"She'll understand"
"what about everything you've worked towards?
was all of this for nothing?"
"..."
"you're so close
you have so much right on front of you"
"it's not even in reach yet
i can't even see it
it's just a pipe dream"
"you already started
what about the books?
the blueprints,
the plans and models?
what about the sapling?"
"what about... the sapling?"
"the one out front"
"what about It?"
"was that for nothing?
is It nothing?"
"..."
"you know it's not a good idea.
go lie in the closet, try to sleep."
"okay"