Book #2

" idk "

dude, u good? cutting off like yhat wasnt very heart eyes of you

but like fr, r u doing ok?

yah im good lmao

u sureeee?

i think im just a little tired bruv

oke well take a nap or sum but tell me if ur not okay ok? like if anythings bothering you or anything u should spill anf we can mop it up together <3

...

I took a bit to think. My friend was definitely worried about me. But it's not like I had been acting weird or anything. I just left a group call without warning. I was okay. I was fine.

idk

I immediately regret it. What kind of a stupid response was that? I should've just said that I was fine. I should've played up some humor, to let him know that I wasn't just empty inside. I should've sent him a picture of my cat, to show him that I still cared about anything at all in the world.

I glanced back at the chat. Seeing the read tag pop up, I quickly exited and turned the computer off. I couldn't deal with it. If he thought it suspicious I could just deal with it later and say that I went to sleep. I didn't want to see it right now. If I couldn't see it, it wouldn't be a problem.

I told myself that pretty often. Subconsciously, I think. I knew all too well that it wasn't true. Too many things still bothered me that I couldn't see. Too much of the world still hurt when I could barely even feel anything.

I closed my eyes.

I tried my best to see the best in the world. I really did. I woke up to watch the sunrise and told all my friends how much I loved them and threw on my heart eyes glasses whenever I saw something I liked. I assumed that people were not evil on purpose and that the universe is neutral and that life is not inherently bad. All this regularly.

So where the hell did I go wrong?

Why was I fine some days and shitty the next?

Why did everything feel so empty and fake?

Why did I still imagine hanging myself in my closet and choking myself with my headphone cable and drowning myself at every body of water?

Today it hit me like a tsunami wave. I just couldn't care. I didn't even notice myself leaving the call. I just wanted to stop existing. No voice, no body, no presence. Nothing.

I would become nothing.

...

It was a good thing that my eyes were still closed.

I saw in front of me a little girl. She had to be no older than 10. I must have known her. She felt so familiar.

I didn't even have time to open my mouth. She ran up and grabbed my hands. She couldn't speak either. Neither of us could bear to. But I knew what she was saying.

She was crying, begging me to stay. She wanted to show me. She wanted to share.

I wanted to let her.

She wanted to show me this awesome game she just started playing. Her brother showed it to her. Neither of us could remember what she played before that game. But that's not important because look at this super cool wolf roleplay game! Your character turns into a wolf if you step on this pad here, but I don't really like that model. Look, I got the VIP so I can go into this room and get the custom models! I can even paint it different colors, but I like to keep it mostly gray because that's what wolves are really like in real life. Oh my gosh, look, its my friend! Hiiii!

She started typing in chat. I started to realize how wonderful this was. But that must be part of the problem. I keep seeing how great things are and how great things were and I can't even really enjoy them. What was wrong with me?

I turned my attention back to the screen.

marviluvu Hi friend! :3

Heh. I missed that. When she typed that face, she meant it with all her heart. She typed with perfect grammar and spelling all the time. Anything else would look cringey and uneducated.

blueskies0792 Hello! We should go to the waterfall den

I felt her again. She didn't know anything about a waterfall den. This was new to her. How had she been playing the game for so long and never even known about a waterfall den!?

As she went to reply, she suddenly looked at me. I knew what it was. She could feel my thoughts. She didn't overthink everything she typed. She wasn't used to my internal rambling monologue.

I wanted to apologize.

My mouth didn't move.

She wanted to tell me that it was okay and not my fault.

It made me nervous, this while interaction. Did she look up to me? Did she idealize me? Did she think that I couldn't possibly understand, being so much older than her?

But this while time, I realized, it wasn't about me. She made it about something else. Not herself. She made it about the game. About the pure joy of diving into a different world. Even though she could usually only play for a couple hours a day, she didn't worry about the time too much. How could she when she was having so much fun and when she was so focused?

It must have been all this thinking that rattled my brain loose. I was always thinking, always thinking about myself. It always ended up the same. It would all tumble together until nothing made sense and nothing mattered. It was in that state when the small part that wanted me dead could speak louder than anything else. For once, it had a chance.

But my eyes were closed. And there was that little girl begging me to stay alive.

She knew so little of the world.
She was so different from me.

How do people change so much in just a few years?

She was a younger version of myself. Not just younger, though. Different. Previous.

I wondered if maybe there might be an older version of myself here too.

I turned around. There was nothing there. Nothing that I could see yet, at least.

So I decided to stay.

//

A/N: this didn't end exactly like i wanted it to but i can't find the articulation for what i want to say so I'll leave it off here <3