True Love

Never Enough

Demelza put the shirts for the boys in their room and placed Ross's on his bed. Going out she went down the steps and put the shirts she purchased for Joshua in his room. She took Sam's and James to the parlor and handed theirs to them. She then told the others theirs was in their rooms, she said, "these are made less quality so please wear instead of your good ones. I can only repair them so many times until they look like it." Ross said, "Demelza can we talk?" Joshua spoke, "NO, go talk to Elizabeth!" Demelza said, "Wait go on Ross talk. Tell me when you thought of me. Was it when I walked up to you when the two of you were in a conversation or when she dismissed me because you were having a private conversation or when I told you to pick the items up at the mercantile? I know, it was when I was on Molly and went to the mercantile to pick the items up and you were nowhere in sight. Where were you at during that time, it might help us come up with a timeline? How long until you finally came to find me?" Joshua swore, "I am sorry I told him he could court you!" Ross said, "WHAT DID I DO WRONG ELIZABETH IS HAVING ISSUES WITH FRANCIS, she asked to talk to me instead of standing in the street we went to the Tea Room where we ate, nothing else." Joshua said, did you think of Demelza at all, that she might have been hungry? No because the only thing going through you little mind is Elizabeth needed you!" Ross yelled, what about what she did, leaving and coming home by herself!" "Where would you have liked me to wait for you in the stable or maybe on the street with Margarethe," Demelza questioned? Joshua told Ross, "You are very lucky that no harm came to her because of your neglect." Drake started to wail, Demelza and Sam went to him. Sam said, "I think I should take the boys to Reith Cottage." Demelza said "I think I will go with you, wait until I go and get some clothes for them."
Joshua and Ross sat and glowered at each other, neither thought Demelza would go with them. When she came down with some of her clothes wrapped in a sheet with the boys Sam took it off her. They went to go out the door Joshua said "wait, I don't want you or the boys to go.  "Demelza said "Joshua, I can't stay here, I will get a job somewhere." Joshua said, that will not happen." In three weeks,' time I will be sixteen at that time there is nothing anyone can do to keep me here until then I will spend the time with my brothers. The five siblings left.
Ross threw a glass against the wall. He went out the door and followed them to the cottage. He watched threw the window as Demelza, the two youngest got in the larger of the two beds. Sam and James slept in the other. He heard Demelza singing and his heart broke:
Turn down the lights
Turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me
Tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize
Don't patronize me
'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't
I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holding me
Morning will come, and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight
'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't

He heard the hurt in her song and realized she was singing this song because of him. He always acted first and thought of the consequences after. He wished he could change his nature, think before he acted. He should have told Elizabeth to go home to her husband. He knew now he should have taken Demelza's hand instead of being angry for how Francis was treating Elizabeth she made her choice, and it was not him. Demelza would give him everything and she would never betray him, he knew this, that was the issue, he knew he did not deserve someone like her. He saw a candle coming from the back room. He moved out of sight and watched as Demelza came outside, she walked toward the cliff sat down and cried. Her sobs were killing him knowing he was the cause of her hurt. He should go and comfort her but what could he say, so he stood and watched her. He heard her talking to her mother, telling her she was sorry she was failing in her last promise. She asked for her mother to send help to her to be the person her mother wanted. Then he heard her talking to his mother telling her she was sorry she could not help her son that she would never be enough. Joshua wished he knew how to tell her she is all he never knew he wanted.
Joshua had gone out back and walked down to Nampara Cove. He spoke to his wife. Telling her he had failed her and their son. How he treated that poor girl was horrible, yes, he probably learnt that from him. Their son was that, because he (Joshua), treated women that way after she (Grace) left him. He did not know how to help Ross. If he did not start to think about what he wanted and how to treat a woman he loved he would never be genuinely happy. Was Elizabeth truly the love of his life, would he never be happy if he weren't with her? What made him act that way today, why did he feel it was necessary to disrespect Demelza in favor of Elizabeth. It would be better if he left the girl leave.  He asked Grace to guide him. It started to get a chill in the air, so he went back to the parlor.
Ross came in around midnight Joshua called him in. "Ross, I have come to a decision. I am going to let Demelza leave after her birthday." Ross said, "no father." Joshua exhaled, "son, I am sorry I know you want Elizabeth and Demelza does not deserve to be placed second to anyone." I will contact friends in London and see if they will take her in. I want her to be happy. She is in love with you but that is her heartache because you cannot return her love. Ross said, "I do love her more than I ever thought possible, what I felt for Elizabeth does not compare to what I feel for Demelza. Today, if I would have thought about what it was doing to Demelza, instead of worrying about Francis's and Elizabeth's problem she would be here now. I have never worried about consequences before, I think. I want to be a better man for her, I really do. Her mother made her promise to her own self be true, and never be second best. She takes pleasurer in everything, and as far as being second best, she does everything to the best of her ability, which is way better than most." Joshua stated, "tell her what you just told me and see what she says."
The next morning Ross went to Reith Cottage, he saw Demelza and her youngest two brothers on the beach. He walked down and spoke "Demelza, may I please speak to you?" She did not move so he continued. "I do not speak my feelings well but being around you brings out the best in me. I am moody, quick to anger, loyal beyond a fault and opinionated. The biggest issue is my rashness, I act before I think of the consequences. Yesterday Elizabeth telling me how Francis was treating her had me seeing red. She was my friend since childhood, he my cousin more like a brother. So, I sat and listen to her, not thinking of how it may affect you. I am truly sorry; I didn't hear her say our conversation was private.  I did not hear you say anything until you told me to go to the mercantile. I did not think anything of if." She looked at him and glowered, "yes I can tell how much I meant to you by your actions." She went to get up and he stopped her. "How can you ever be second best, you do everything better then anyone I know, you do what you think is right no matter what other feelings are? You are not letting your mother down. This is coming out all wrong Ross cried!"
"Ross, you do not know what she meant to my own self be true yes that is don't ever let someone make me feel like my thoughts or work isn't good enough.  My father would beat my mother or me for the littlest infraction. If the crease in his britches was not exactly straight, if the tea was the exact color of brown, if the bed had a crease in it, if the dinner was not cooked just right. Nothing and I mean nothing was ever good enough. My Aunts would come over and taunt my mother telling her she was lazy and useless, even though she worked well before sunup to well after sunset. So she wanted me to believe in myself, it is hard when you have people, people like your Elizabeth treat me like I am less then her and you thinking she is perfection. Not being second best. I do not think my mother was ever who my father wanted to be with. He defiled my mother I was the result. No matter what she did to make him love her it was never enough no matter how many sons she gave him, he never loved her like he should. He resented her and he showed her that resentment every day. I do not want that; I want a man that feels for me the way you do for Elizabeth." She put her hand up when he went to interject. You telling my you did not think of me proves my point, if you loved me, REALLY LOVED ME, you would not need to be reminded of me. I would be forefront of your mind always. Let me ask if Elizabeth and Francis were not together right now would you not be with her? If she needed someone to gather wood or we needed wood, who would you help? If any of those answers would be her then that would be putting me second best, and I do deserve better then that. Ross shook his head and got up and walked away. He could not guarantee that Demelza needs would always come first he could say so but how could he be sure.
Demelza gathered the boys and took them back to the cottage. Joshua was there asking if her and the boys was coming back, Demelza told them they would, only because it was not fair that Sam and James didn't have enough beds. They walked back and Joshua told Demelza a little of what went on when Grace died, how Ross was on his own while he treated woman as his personal play toys. Never considering their feelings. He told her even though Ross thought he loved Elizabeth he did not think of her when he signed up to fight the war. I did not correct him when he was younger because of my failings, he ran wild. Elizabeth was never right for him. He needs someone to love him beyond loving themselves, someone he wants to be a better person for. I guess what I am getting at is Ross's faults are because of me. Your mother wanted you to forego her faults, I put mine on my sons. Forgive me my dear.
She told him, "You have nothing to be sorry for to me anyway. I asked Ross this morning if it came to a choice of me needing something or Elizabeth or if Elizabeth were not with Francis would he be able to choose between us. He left without saying anything. That tells me he still has her in his heart, up on her pedestal and as long as s he is there then I have no hope for us. I cannot live my life waiting for that I want a man that loves me like he claims to love her. I will stay until I find a place where these two can come with me but then I am leaving.
When they got home Demelza realized none of the wash was done and there was no fresh bread or desert for the table. Ross didn't show up for dinner.  She noticed Alyse was not there either. So, they ate what was put in front of them. Demelza took the boys up and bathed them. The boys were exhausted and fell asleep immediately. Demelza went into the water closet and took a bath herself. She sat in the tub until the water turned cold. She got out and tried to comb her hair she was having a hard time not being able to manage it she went to Jinny but there was now one in their rooms. She went to the parlor Joshua was sitting there and she asked if he would comb the back of her hair. While he was combing her hair, he told her how he would comb Graces, then told her stories of their marriage. When her hair was smooth curls, she got up thanked him gave him a kiss on the cheek and then went to bed.
The next morning, she was picking the dirty clothes out of the rooms. She went into Ross's she shrieked at what she saw. Ross jumped when he heard her. He saw her face and looked beside him there in his bed was Alyse Carter, who just smirked at Demelza. Demelza turned and ran dropping all the close in Ross's room. Ross yelled at Alyse, "what are you doing here?" "She told him, "What do you think I am doing here trying to remind you of what we had." Ross said, "we had nothing, get out, and you can leave Nampara and the estate."  Alyse exclaimed, "we will see what Master Joshua has to say about that or my brother Jim." Ross bellowed, "You were not in my bed last night I was out until about an hour ago and quite sobber, so your threats won't work. GET OUT AND DON'T COME BACK!" he was putting his britches on when he heard the hooves of a horse. Looking out the window her saw Mollie galloping at a breakneck speed and swore. He was dressing on his way downstairs; Joshua came out and shouted, "who was that on the horse?" Ross replied, "Demelza!"