Reaper's Lullaby

Nora: Keeping Secrets

"Nothing makes us so lonely as our secrets."
- Paul Tournier

Lucas didn't know that Nora only had three pills left when he confronted her in the courtyard that day. He didn't know she just needed a few more to wean herself off. He didn't known, so it wasn't a big deal that she was going to talk to Matty behind his back.

What Lucas didn't know, what he wouldn't know, couldn't hurt him. Right?

"Fuck off, Nora," Matty said as she approached him after school.

They were standing on the sidewalk with a small crowd of other students waiting for the bus. Nora glanced behind her back nervously. Lucas thought she was talking to her history teacher. When she looked back at Matty, she saw that Lucas had given him a black eye and a split lip, but she pretended not to notice. It would make things harder, and she felt bad enough doing this behind Lucas's back, but her need for this pill seemed to swallow everything, even her shame.

"I know what Lucas did and this isn't about him. Please, I promise. I'm here on my own," she said quickly, her voice low.

Matty sighed disgustedly. "Keep that strung out psycho away from me."

"I said this isn't about him! Come on!" Nora said exasperatedly.

She realized with a cringe that she was going to have to use Matty's crush on her to her advantage if she wanted more pills. She softened her facial expression and bit her lip, trying to look concerned.

"Does it hurt?" she asked.

"What do you care?" Matty snapped.

"I don't think Lucas was right to attack you."

Matty eyed her warily. "You don't?"

"No. I mean, I get why you gave us the drugs. I know who you work for."

Matty was caving, she could tell by the subtle way he shifted his body so he was fully facing her, the way he eyed her chest. She fought the urge to cross her arms and instead did the opposite, rolling her shoulders back as she closed the few feet between them. She did not think about what she was doing. Her mind was stuck, like a tire spinning in the mud, on the need for more. That need was a high pitched static ringing in her ears, deafening her.

"Yeah well I'd be in some deep shit if I didn't do everything my brother says," Matty mumbled.

"I know," Nora said gently.

"You're not pissed?" he asked.

She shrugged. "I was. At first. Then I realized the position you were in. It started to make sense."

"Well thanks. I don't know why you're even with that fucking psycho anyway," Matty said, gesturing somewhere behind Nora, like Lucas was back there.

"Lucas is impulsive," she said.

"He's a jackass."

Nora chuckled. "Sometimes."

"So why don't you go out with me instead?"

Nora took a step back. Her plan had worked... a little too well. "Look, Matty, I'm here because I need more, not because-"

"I'm just saying... we could have a lot of fun."

"I have cash," Nora said nervously as Matty stepped closer to her.

"How much?" Matty asked.

"Enough for ten."

Nora had stolen the money from her mother's checking account over the last week by offering to run inside and pay for gas or go grocery shopping for the family, then punching the buttons for cash-back on the debit card machines. She counted on her parent's tendency to be distracted, and so far it had worked like a charm. There was plenty of money in the checking account, Nora knew, and a few missing fifties or hundreds here and there would not be noticed immediately. Maybe not even at all.

"I'll give you five," Matty said.

"Five? Why? I said I had-"

"It'll keep you coming back," he said coyly.

Nora felt a pit in her stomach, but she forced herself to smile sweetly at him. God, she felt so guilty when she thought of Lucas. He wouldn't understand though, she reminded herself. Lucas just wanted to get high, but Nora needed this. It was the only thing she had ever tried that truly helped her anxiety. Meditation, positive thinking and self help websites were jokes compared to this. It was the first time in years and years that she'd felt true peace, and she couldn't give that up. Not even if it was heroin.

That dirty word still felt horrifying to think about. Nora pushed it from her mind. 'Pills,' she silently told herself. 'These are just pills for anxiety. And they work, and I'm feeling better than I ever have.'

That thought was enough to ease her nerves.

"I'll bring them tomorrow," Matty said. "Same time and place."

"I'll be here," Nora said, turning to leave.

"And Nora?" Matty called.

"What?" Nora asked as she looked over her shoulder.

"Come by yourself again."