Reaper's Lullaby

Lucas: Sharing

"Depression is the inability to construct a future." 
-Rollo May

Lucas liked Group. He liked Jeff, and he liked that everyone got to tell their stories and bitch about things or just joke around. Jeff always had these topics each day, like gratitude, forgiveness, envy, shame, etc. For the first few minutes, everyone just sat in silence and thought about the topic with their eyes closed. Sometimes people would fall asleep, which was always funny because Jeff would throw something at them.

Lucas never shared much. There was so much he couldn't say. He couldn't mention Brian, who was at the root of most of his problems, so instead he talked about shooting up and how much he hated it but also loved and missed it.

Jeff would push for more: Why do you love it? Why do you miss it? What does it give you?

"I hate being me. I don't have to be me when I'm high," Lucas would answer with a shrug.

It was a true statement and one that he was okay admitting in front of everyone, but he knew Jeff could see that there was more to it than that. Jeff always made him feel uncomfortable and exposed.

Today the topic was fear.

Lucas closed his eyes, squeezing Nora's hand once more. He feared being without her, being left alone and abandoned, having to live a life away from her. He couldn't lose her, no matter what. And they would never be apart now. They were both clean and could move in together soon. Once they were married, once they were away from the neighborhood and Brian... then his fear would leave him. All he needed was Nora's love, and he had it... he would do anything to keep it.

After Gus had shared his inexplicable "duct tape" answer, Jeff looked at Lucas and said,

"Lucas? How about you?"

Lucas swallowed nervously. He had been hoping he wouldn't be called on today.

"So... yeah... fear. Everyone's got it. It's something that's scary to you I guess," he mumbled, feeling stupid.

"We know the definition. Tell us what you thought about during the reflection time," Jeff said.

Lucas took a deep breath. "I realized I'm pretty scared to be alone. In fact, I hate being alone more than anything."

"Why do you think that is?" Jeff asked.

"I don't know."

"Do you remember a time you felt alone before? So alone it scared you?"

Lucas looked down. "Yeah," he said quietly.

"Tell us about it. This is a safe space."

"Probably when my dad died."

"How did he die?" Jeff asked, even though Lucas knew he knew the answer. They had talked about it in private sessions.

"Overdose."

"On what?"

"Heroin."

"The same drug you do?"

"Yup."

Lucas laughed softly and shook his head. "I'm so fucking stupid."

"You're not stupid, dude," Gus said. Others mumbled in agreement, but Lucas couldn't look up at them.

"So what made you turn to heroin, knowing what it could do?" Jeff asked.

Lucas felt uncomfortable and hot. "I guess that was the point. Knowing what it could do. I wanted to know what was so great about it that he would die for it, that he would choose it over all of us. Over me."