Reaper's Lullaby

Gus: Being Honest

"Unable are the loved to die. For love is immortality."
– Emily Dickinson

Gus laid awake for a long time after Lucas stormed out of the room. Once again, he had pissed off someone he considered a friend and didn't understand why. And like it always happened, the friend was long gone before Gus could ask what was wrong about what he had said.

If he understood anything at all after this week, it was that Lucas was not Adam. Gus had been allowing himself to indulge in the fantasy of it for a few days now, imagining he was back with Adam the way things used to be. But reality had smacked him in the face. He could no longer pretend that Lucas was his Adam.

Maybe that was the issue. Maybe Lucas had caught on to his game of pretend and believed Gus had real feelings for him. It had been a stupid game to play, Gus knew, but his grief had driven him to desperation. It was then he realized how unfair he had been to Lucas. He had been trying to force him into Adam's role, and maybe Lucas was right to hate him for that.

Gus knew the only way to save their friendship was to be honest. He would have to explain why he had behaved the why he had, however humiliating it was certain to be.

In his dreams that night, Adam was a prominent figure. The dreams were layered like winter bedding; nightmares, snapping up but not waking up, nightmares, more dreams about snapping up. He kept dreaming about snapping up next to Adam, his head dizzy with the heady cocktail of fear and relief, pain and happiness as it swept through him over and over again.

"Again?" Adam asked the third time it happened.

"How else am I supposed to get to you? You won't visit me anymore. I have to find you at the end of my nightmares," Gus said hurriedly, afraid the dream would end too soon.

Adam's eyes were soft silver moonlight in the dark. "I'm sorry. I was mad at you."

"I'm just gonna admit it! I already admitted it to Jeff, and now I'm gonna admit it to Lucas. I'm gonna admit I love you! I've never been ashamed of you!"

"I... I guess I was ashamed to face you," Adam said softly. "So I gave you space."

"I need you, Adam. I don't want anymore fucking space!" Gus said, a pleading note in his voice. "Don't make me go through these nightmares just for the chance of making it here to see you."

They were sharing a sleeping bag like they used to on Gus's bad nights, and Gus recognized where they were but couldn't remember the name; some abandoned store with broken glass all over the place and the city so near through the shattered window, the haphazard frames dividing it up into uneven cookie cutter portions; a square of building, a rectangle of police lights, a sliver of night sky.

"Do you remember this place?" Adam asked finally.

"Yeah. Somewhat."

"You had a horrible nightmare that night. All the others were gone making money. It was only us. I let you sleep in my bag. It was summer but cool enough to sleep close."

Now that Gus looked around he could see they were indeed alone.

"So many nights you held me. They all blur together into one big night," Gus said, his throat tight.

"That's where I am, Gus. I'm in that one big night, every time we see each other. It's the same place. I just use my memories to change the background for you."

"You don't have to. When I'm here, I just wanna look at you," Gus said.

"I'm sorry for leaving you alone so long," Adam mumbled.