Reaper's Lullaby

Lucas: Submerged

"Before you can break out of prison, you must realise you are locked up."
– Anonymous

Lucas wasn't aware of much. Every now and then he sensed a familiar presence, like Nora, his mother... sometimes even his father. But he couldn't quite reach them or communicate with them. Everything was heavy and dark, like being submerged deep underwater in a placid lake. But it was warm and comfortable too, a womb to hide in.

When Lucas felt himself floating up to the too-bright surface, a sense of panic took over. He was afraid to leave the depths of this still lake, sure he no longer belonged anywhere else but here. He didn't want to leave it.

The first face he saw above the water was his mother's. She was crying and saying something, but her voice was muffled and far away. Lucas had a feeling that she was crying because of him, and he wanted to let her know he was okay here and would be just fine, so he allowed himself to float all the way up and out of the water.

Light flooded his eyes right before a stampede of sensations clamored for his brain's attention: bright white, beeping sound, scratchy sheets, the smell of disinfectant, a dull, weighted pain in his arm, something clinging to his face like an alien parasite. It was choking him!

Desperately, Lucas clawed at the alien stuck to his face but couldn't seem to control his hands and grasp the thing, like he was the drunkest he'd ever been. Then he felt familiar gentle hands pulling his arms away. Finally, he could hear her voice too,

"Leave it on, honey. You're okay."

The voice was comforting, and Lucas allowed himself to go limp and quit fighting and float back under the water to his safe hiding place. Back in the depths he rested peacefully, dreamless. Time ceased to exist. Reality was only this one moment in this one place.

The next time Lucas felt himself floating to the surface again, the alien was gone. He gulped a deep breath and opened his eyes once more. It was the same bright white room, only dimmer now because it was night. His mother wasn't there. In her place, he saw Nora. She was sleeping under a thin white hospital blanket on a reclining chair, her knees pulled up to her chest making a knobby pillow for her cheek to rest on. Lucas thought she looked very uncomfortable.

"Hey," he whispered. The word came out like the squeak of a rusty hinge. He tried again, hoping his voice worked better this time. "Hey!"

Nora opened her eyes, and when she saw he was awake she grinned and lunged toward the bed. In a flash, like when someone tries to catch a bug, both of her hands clasped around one of his on the bed. They were so warm. Lucas tried to lift his fingers and caress her palms but, like the last time, he was too groggy to control his movements.

"How... long?" he managed to ask.

"A couple of days," Nora said, and her eyes filled with tears. "You were really gone, Lucas. They didn't know if you would wake up again."

Lucas clearly remembered the party, the paramedics and the ambulance ride. They had made it sound like he was all good and out of danger. What had happened?

As if reading his mind, Nora answered,

"You re-overdosed and went into a coma. They just kept you breathing, but you were gone. It was so scary, Lucas, you have no idea! They told us at any minute your brain could stop showing activity and we would have to decide to pull the plug. There was nothing we could do but just wait!" Nora cried.

Lucas didn't know what to say. He'd had no idea how close he had been to death. To him, it had been a deep sleep. But on this side of it, they had been worrying they'd have to pull the plug on him. The two realities didn't match. Was death like that? Could you die and not even know it?

"My mom?" Lucas asked softly.

"I can get her. Try to stay awake okay? I'll be right back!" Nora said, and she released his hand and ran from the room.

Lucas could stay awake easier this time. He didn't feel the heavy pull of the lake anymore. When Nora came back with his mother, relief flowed through his veins.

"Mom!"

"Lucas!" Sarah exclaimed, rushing to the side of the bed.

"I'm really sorry about everything," he said quickly, afraid he'd go under again before he could say the words.

Sarah touched his cheek with the back of her cool hand.

"Honey, why did you do this?"

"I don't know. It was stupid," Lucas said. "I just wanted to get high."

He could tell she wasn't buying it.

"No. Lucas, please tell me what's hurting you so much. People don't use heroin unless they're in pain... so much pain," she said gently.

Lucas closed his eyes once more. He knew his mother could sense the struggle in him. She could sense that this went much deeper than his father's death. Something was ripping pieces of him away everyday. He was using the heroin like a needle and thread, trying to stitch himself back together, but he was unraveling too fast and he knew that she knew it too.

"Everything's okay, Mom," he lied.

Sarah leaned over and kissed his forehead. "But you aren't. That's what's killing me," she whispered.

"Can I go home?" Lucas asked.

"They might let you go tomorrow if you stay conscious, but you've got to fight for it, Lucas."

"I feel better. More awake."

"That's good, but you don't jump back from the edge of death so quickly. Give yourself time."

The look on Sarah's face suggested she was holding something back from him.

"What's wrong?" Lucas asked nervously.

She shook her head. "Lucas, when you get home, Brian and I have decided you need to get some help."

"What help?"

"Outside help."

Lucas scoffed. "Like therapy?"

"No," she said flatly. "Like rehab."

Lucas's body went cold. "Mom! I'm not an addict! Not even close! You can't make me do that!"

Behind them, Nora bit her lip and gave Lucas a sympathetic shrug.

Sarah was unmoved. "We will discuss this when you get home."

Lucas didn't bring it up again, but he had already made up his mind. Rehabs were for people like his father, people who had real problems. There was nothing anyone could say to change his mind.

They kept him at the hospital all the next day for observation, and he stayed one more night in the little white room. Then, finally, he was discharged and free to go home. The only thing bad about that was that Brian was waiting there... eager to send him away.