Reaper's Lullaby

Lucas: Slamming

"We suffer primarily not from our vices or our weaknesses, but from our illusions."
-Daniel J. Boorstin

The baby's sharp cries woke Lucas out of a dreamless sleep. It was three a.m., and even though he knew this was his mother's and Brian's job, he didn't mind going in to calm Sam down. That was his brother's name: Samuel James Barnett.

He crept across the hallway and into the nursery, which was glowing blue from the moon nightlight next to the reclining nursing chair. Sam was two weeks old and still tiny and red. Now his little face was scrunched up like a wad of pink bubblegum. Lucas reached into the crib and picked him up.

"Shh," he whispered. "What's wrong with you, little punk?"

He sat down in the nursing chair and rocked Sam back and forth in his arms, planting a secret kiss on the baby's cheek. He was glad no one was around to see that. Loving Sam as much as he did made him feel like a pussy, just like Brian always told him he was. So he spent most of his time acting indifferent or annoyed by the baby. Only in secret did he allow his heart to open.

He began singing a song he had started writing for Sam the day after he was born. It wasn't finished yet, but so far he had:

"You see the world in colors.

Blobs of paint on your new canvas

Each person's face a fuzzy fingerprint

Upon this fresh, ripened world.

Your eyes are open, devouring shapes

Grabbing at strings of words

Tiny fingers groping for softness

Wishing for the womb

But knowing you can't go back."

The baby quieted at the sound of Lucas's voice. At that moment Sarah opened the nursery door and gasped when she saw Lucas holding Sam.

"God you scared me!" she exclaimed breathlessly.

"Sorry. His crying woke me up," Lucas said.

"This is the sweetest thing I've ever seen! Picture time!"

"Mom, no. Please."

"You act like you don't like him, but I know you love him," she said with a teasing note in her voice.

"Nah... I was just trying to sleep, Mom," Lucas said with a shrug.

Sarah smiled. "You don't have to act tough with me, Lucas."

"I don't act," he lied, handing over the baby, who had started crying again.

Sarah took Sam and held him close, kissing his soft hair, which was still too fine to make out what color it was going to be.

"That's his hungry cry," she said to Lucas. "Don't think you wanna see what happens next so I got it from here. Thank you anyway."

Lucas walked out of the nursery and back to his own dark bedroom. Compared to Sam's happy, glowing world it looked like a black cave inhabited by some unseen monster. He got back in bed and curled up under the covers with his phone.

"U awake?" he texted Nora.

It was a school night, but Lucas knew she had insomnia frequently. Sure enough, he saw the dancing dots that meant she was typing a reply, and he smiled.

"Ya. Watching this Gordon Ramsay show. He's so fcking angry. I luv him."

Lucas laughed softly under the covers.