Reaper's Lullaby

Lucas: Alone Enough

"Whoever wishes to keep a secret must hide the fact that he possesses one."
-Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Lucas liked being awake in the dark, disheveled hours of early morning, long before the day splashed its face and made itself look presentable. There was something honest about those still black hours, something that enabled him to think carefully and process whatever he needed to process, his thoughts moving slower than the drip of the ancient coffee maker in the cafeteria.

Oasis Ranch never really slept, so there was always the feeling of other people being around, the sound of voices and TV's from the common area where the night staff took their breaks. Lucas liked that; being alone but not really, really alone. Just alone enough to think, without Gus jabbering away in his ear or Nora driving him nuts by flipping her hair or straightening her shirt or otherwise just existing near him when he couldn't touch her.

There was also no Jeff in these empty hours, bugging him with probing questions about his dead dad or his depression. The sessions were getting harder because Jeff was catching on to the things Lucas did to avoid talking about himself. For example, Jeff had allowed Lucas to get away with talking about Gus after his freak out that one night, but when he tried it again the next time he got called out.

"Lucas, why do you keep bringing up Gus in our sessions?" Jeff had asked him pointedly.

Lucas, pretending to be offended, snapped back, "Because I care about him. He's my friend. Is that a fucking crime?"

Jeff was not bothered. He was always like that, so calm, like a goddamn Jedi or something. It pissed Lucas off.

"So not because it's easier to talk about Gus than it is to talk about yourself?" he asked.

"Of course not!" Lucas exclaimed.

"Great. Then let's talk about you," Jeff said with a knowing, irritating smile.

"What about me?"

"You started on medication. How is that going?"

"Everything tastes like cardboard and I can't jerk off," Lucas snapped before he could think. Then he stammered, "I-I mean... I can't, like, finish things, you know..."

Jeff nodded. "That's normal. Don't worry, it's not permanent. You'll be back to your old self in a couple weeks. The taste thing goes away too. But I was wondering more about how you're feeling."

Lucas shrugged. He didn't feel happy. He had always thought the opposite of depressed was happy. Against his will, he was beginning to realize that wasn't true. The opposite of depressed was numb, and he didn't know if that was any better.

"I don't feel anything," he answered honestly.

"You've spent a long time suppressing your emotions. It'll take awhile to feel them again," Jeff said.

"So then why bother with these sessions?"

"To teach you how to feel again without immediately wanting to self medicate."

"What's the point? Why can't I just be numb like this?"

"Being numb protects you from the bad feelings, but it also protects you from the good ones. Happiness, joy, excitement, love... you okay living without those too?"

"No."

"That's the thing. You either get it all or you get nothing. Maybe it's not fair, but it's the way it is."

Lucas shrugged. "I don't know if I want to stop being numb."

"What would you feel if you weren't?"

Lucas looked at the wall and thought about it for a few minutes. What could he say without revealing too much?