So it's kinda late at night and I'm kinda thinking rn and I was watching some animated YouTube story time stuff and I rlly like those videos but I'd literally never make anything like that. Then I remembered this book exists and I can just shove everything in here :D
My idea is to just talk about my experience with anxiety(not professionally diagnosed so don't take my word as gospel) and things I've learned from dealing with it over time.
I guess I'll start with the beginning of my anxiety. I could trace it all back into time before I was even born probably but that's too much thinking so I'll start with 7th grade. Specifically the end of 7th grade. For me it all started to slowly show up more and more often during this time. The most prominent feature being bad nausea in the morning so I couldn't eat breakfast. At the time I brushed it off and continued on with life. Summer passed and I was fine until it was the next school year.
First day of 8th grade I woke up, and felt like I was gonna hurl. It was not pleasant. I blamed it on nerves but alas I was wrong, it did not go away. Clearly my nerves were on at all times suddenly. Slowly my nausea started to last the whole day and I couldn't talk long or at all at times. This is also during the height of my online activity with other people.
Eventually during the year I had several field trips to go on. The first one wasn't too bad, but then the second one came around and I was starting to lose traction and then in between the second and third one I started to have what I assume to be anxiety/panic attacks. The first one I remember that I can most definitely pin on anxiety happened while I was in gym one during the spring(I know it was spring because we were outside and it's cold af any other time of the year).
We had to do a lap around the track and about a quarter of the way in I couldn't run anymore. In fact I couldn't breath or think at all so I had to stop walk off to a grassy patch and just sit with my head in my knees and try to calm down.
My morning nausea was also at its height at about this time too. In the mornings when I woke up I'd literally be dry heaving and gagging all of the time and even on the bus now. I never did puke and never have but man I've been close.
A few more of these anxiety/panic attacks happened and so did many other things in life such as friend drama, people moving, and having to go to highschool the next year. Then with all of that I had also come to the realization I'm bi which I prolly wrote about at some point. Needless to say eighth grade me was not thriving.
Ya girl was not live love laughing. So I decided to gather up all my shit and fix it. So that's what I did in 9th grade, freshman year. My main goal for that year was to wake up one day without any nausea because that killed me.
In order to do that I went and removed all of the anxiety inducing factors in my life.(there was a lot). After doing all I could I found myself improving finally.
It had taken all year but it was finally happening I was improving, accepting myself more and maybe even feeling normal again.
The summer of 2019 in between 9th and 10th grade was most definitely my highest point before it started to plummet again. I was able to go outside on my own and then stay outside. I could even talk to people somewhat, an ability I lost during my "epic" battle the previous years.
Tenth grade rolled around and for once, I felt like I wasn't dying in the morning. Sure I still felt somewhat nauseous but if I focused hard enough it would go away.
Notice the year changes to 2020 during tenth grade. :|
I am sorry everyone I was doing too good in life and so the universe had to curb stomp me back into submission with a world wide pandemic.
During tenth grade my goal was to not let myself end up depressed and also start being more social again because the main cause of my anxieties were usually people. Go figure.
Dealing with people had just started causing me immense amounts of stress with all of the drama that had taken place previously and throughout the years.
Yeah covid royally fucked up that plan :/
My anxiety managed to come back nearly full swing within the first month or two of the pandemic and I was distraught.Ya girl was once again, not live laugh loving in these conditions.
I'll be honest, 11th grade is a blur to me. It was the weird hybrid year and man it just did not work.
Now I'm here in my final year and I think it's safe to say, that I'm alright. Not great not terrible but good enough. Anyways on to the actual lessons lmao.
The biggest thing I've learned, is definitely gratitude. Just being thankful for what I have now and what I can do now. If I keep looking at what I want or what I was I won't get anywhere right now and right now is the most important thing.
Being grounded in the present is pretty much what I have to constantly remind myself to do. If I don't I get pulled into either the past or future and stop enjoying life as it is and that's not very good. It's hard to do but can be managed with enough practice.
Lastly(for now) is appreciating the relationships I have as they are. My anxiety has slowly boiled down from general everything anxiety to incredibly bad social anxiety.
I say next to nothing at school on a daily basis and coming to terms with that took me four years of highschool. The setting of constantly being in groups of people is incredibly stressful and hard to speak in and so I just don't. And that's okay.
No one is forcing me to speak(except group projects hooray T-T) so I don't need to worry about it. And to people I do talk to, even just a small amount, I can be thankful for that while also being content with not getting anything more out of it.
Obviously at times I'll still get frustrated with myself for being completely incapable of doing the most basic of tasks but at the same time I can eat breakfast again if I wanted to and that's huge.
Plus I'm going to college in the FALL OMG y'all I'm not ready. Nvm nothing learned I'm going off grid this is too much now.
Lol college stuff hasn't actually been as stressful as I thought it would be. The only thing is deciding between what one to go to. I think I've decided now but who knows where life may bring me.
Not me I'm worrying about the present. Aka the three take home test I was given for calc this weekend 🙃
*YouTube outro fades in louder and louder until I am drowned out completely*
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The Weirder Thoughts of an Aquarius(me)
RandomAh heck yes another book full of my thoughts and emotions and daily events. Spoiler warning it's actually really boring.