Breakthrough

Baby Blues

When we got to LAX, I quickly said my goodbyes to Julie and some of the guys and hauled ass to my car before I could start crying again. I couldn't see Blake tonight. I couldn't. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe never. But not tonight. All I wanted to do was sit in my bathtub and cry. I texted Blake saying that I was really tired and that I just wanted to go to bed. He never responded but I'm sure he got the memo. I just needed to be alone right now. I needed to let my reality sort of sink in before I could even think about telling him.

And that's exactly what I did when I got home. I poured myself a glass of lemonade since wine was a no for now on, and submerged myself into the hot water. I ran my hand over my belly and thought that I shouldn't be like this. I shouldn't be crying over having a baby. I should be thrilled and thinking about names, what the nursery will look like, and just be happy. But I wasn't. Instead I was thinking that this couldn't have come at a worse time. I've always wanted kids don't get me wrong I just didn't think they would happen like this. Not when I just got my career going and when my mother hated the guy I was with. It was just not a good time. Not a good time at all.

Just as I was beginning to dose off in the tub I heard the door unlock followed by a set of keys being put by the front door. I forgot he had a key. I then heard the rustling of bags come to a stop when he called out "Sophie?" That's when I lost it. All he did was say my name and I just started crying again. Only this time, it was hysterically. "Sophie!" He called out again, only this time with urgency. I heard him run up the stairs and fling open my bedroom door before finding me in the bathroom. My hair knotted on top of my head, my face sticky with tears, and my hands still resting on my belly.
"Sophie, what's wrong? Why are you crying?" He said kneeling down near the tub.
"I can't--and I just don't know what to do. And you have basketball, and I don't know if this is right--my mom is gonna be so mad," I said still crying. I felt my face begin to heat up as Blake just looked at me with confusion.
"If what's right Sophie? What is the matter?" He asked, pushing some of my hair out of my face as I laid there like I was helpless. That's what I felt like anyways.
"Baby, what's wrong?" He asked getting closer to me. Did he really have to use that word. Jesus Christ. I think that's what made me cry even harder.
"I'm sorry. It's me. It's me," I cried with my head resting on the back of the bathtub. I had to tell him. He has every right to know. I mean it's not like he's not going to know eventually. I'll start showing soon enough. Oh my god. I'm gonna have to get all new clothes. And I heard your feet get so swollen. I love my shoes. Just thinking about not being able to wear my shoes made me cry harder.
"Soph, c'mon. You need to get out," Blake said grabbing my robe and towel that was on the back of the chair in the corner. He helped my stand up and slip my arms into the fluffy robe before tying it around my waist. He grabbed my hand and led me to the edge of my bed where I tried to calm my self down. After I could breathe at a normal pace my head was pounding. I don't remember the last time I cried this hard. Blake sat there looking at me with concern in his eyes as he took my hands in his and leaned in closer. His forehead touching mine. "Shhhhh," he whispered as I continued to sniffle and wipe my face. I felt like I was choking on my tears as I tried to swallow hard. He lifted his head off of mine and put his finger under my chin so I could look up at him.
"Now, what is going on? I've never seen you like this," he said softly as I took a deep breath.
"But please don't be mad ok? And you'll probably want to leave me. But I can't do this by myself," I said to Blake as he nodded his head.
"I'm not going to be mad, ok? I love you Sophie. I really do love you. Now, tell me what's going on," he said to me.
"I'm pregnant," I said as my breathing picked up again and I put my head in my hands and started crying again. I couldn't even look at him when I said it. I just couldn't. I felt like he would be disgusted.
"Is it mine?" He asked cautiously as I nodded my head in response and continued to cry.
"Sophie, baby. Why are you crying?" He asked picking my head up and wiping my face with his tshirt.
"Because I'm pregnant?"
"Yeah, and that's so exciting. A baby? That's something we've both talked about," he said bringing me into his arms.
"I know but, not now. This is not a good time. I mean we're in the beginning of the season and I just got this job, we're not even married. My mom is going to have a cow, and oh my god what are your parents gonna say? Gail is going to hate me!"
"Soph, calm down. Shhhh, shhh, shhhhh," he said rubbing small circles on my back. I nestled my head in the crook of his neck smelling him. I missed his scent. It's been awhile since I've smelled him.
"It's gonna be fine. You're gonna be fine. This baby is gonna be fine and I'm gonna be here. With you," he said running his hand over the back of my head.
"You know, you're going to be a great mom. And I'm gonna try and be a great dad ok? I promise I will. And do you know how happy my parents will be? They are already so thrilled that I have you. You know mom loves you. And she can finally buy all the stuff she's been wanting to buy Taylor and Marieka for years now. Don't worry about your mom. She already gives you enough shit. You know your dad will be happy for you," he said as I picked my head up and looked at him. I guess he was right. I should be happy. This is something that I've wanted.
"Ok," I finally said to him.
"Ok? It's going to be ok," he responded.
"I'm just so scared. I don't want to be but, I am," I admit to him.
"I'm scared too, trust me. But, there is no one I'd rather be doing this with," he says as I nod at him and rest my head on his shoulder again.
"I love you Sophie. And I'm going to love this baby with you," he says as I sat there in his arms thinking how maybe this whole thing won't be as bad as I thought it would be.