Breakthrough

All Aboard The Hot Mess Express

The team was leaving Portland to go back to LA this morning and I was feeling nauseous. I'm not sure if it was because of the cold salmon I ate at nearly two in the morning or because I told myself I would call Blake at the airport. After hearing what Gail said a couple of nights ago I felt like I needed to call him for not only the sake of him, but for the sake of myself. As the bus pulled into the parking garage at the airport Julie smiled at me.
"You alright?" She asked me.
"Yeah, I just feel so nauseous," I told her.
"Hmm, I'm sorry. You should get some ginger ale or something. You think it's the bus?" She asked grabbing her bag and stepping off the bus.
"I'm not sure. But I'll be fine," I tell her swinging my tote bag over my shoulder. We had a little over an hour before leaving to go home which meant I had a little over an hour to call Blake. After going and getting a soda I sat near the gate in large chair with my bag in my lap and my phone in my hand. I had to do it. It was now or never and it needed to be now. I finally unlocked my phone, went to my contacts, found Blake's name and hit call. As the first ring passed my heart felt like it had sunk to the bottom of my stomach. He wasn't going to answer. I'd ignored him for over a week. I mean he knew I was alright but I still ignored him. Just as the phone rang for the third time he picked up. There was a sigh of relief in his voice even though he said nothing. Neither of us said anything for a moment.
"Are you there?" I asked him.
"Yeah, yeah I'm here."
"I'm--"
"Don't be. I should've heard you out. I should've trusted you. I did trust you, I was just mad," he said taking a deep breath.
"I'm sorry for not calling you," I said to him.
"It's ok. I deserved it," he admitted.
"Yeah, yeah you did," I said laughing.
"Ok, I deserve a lot of things. That doesn't mean you have to laugh at me," he said. I could almost hear him smiling through the phone.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, you're sorry. And I miss you."
"I miss you too Soph. I was just thinking that a few days ago. I was so excited for you to go and do your job because I knew you'd be coming home; back to me. But you had me thinking for awhile that wasn't gonna happen. You weren't coming back to me."
"I thought the same. Especially after you had me crying on your front porch."
"That was wrong of me, and I'm sorry. I don't know what was going on with me besides being a jealous piece of shit. I mean I even called my mom and asked her what to do and I never do that, like never. I hate telling her my business like this."
"She called me you know?"
"She called you?"
"Mhmm, last night. You can thank her. She's the one who convinced me to give you another shot," I said crossing one leg over the other.
"Oh, man. I better give her a call later," he said laughing to herself.
"Yeah, you better."
"Aren't you coming home today?" Blake asked.
"Mhmm, I'm at the airport now, we leave in a little bit."
"Let me pick you up," he said.
"You don't need to. My car is there."
"Oh, ok. Well can you come over? Or can I come over to your place?" He asked.
"Um yeah, yeah I would like that," I said smiling.
"Ok, I'll bring over dinner. What time does your flight get in?"
"Like 5:45."
"Ok, well call me when you land, and I can order pizza, sushi, burgers, Chinese, whatever you want."
"Ok, that sounds good."
"Yeah, yeah it does. I'll talk to you soon ok?"
"Ok, bye."
"Bye," I said hanging up and tucking my phone back into my bag. Hearing his voice again I swear made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. It was exciting, and nerve wracking at the same time. I took out my calendar and looked to see what my schedule would be like next week. Julie and I had a meeting Tuesday morning, then there was a team meeting Thursday afternoon, and oh my god. No, that can't be write I thought looking at the little star that was written in the right hand corner of Wednesday's box. I was supposed to start on Wednesday and today is Sunday. I'm late. I'm never late. What the hell? This can't be right. I'm sure it's just stress or something. And he's worn one every time. I think. Right? Yes, yes he has. Shit. I needed to buy and take a test before I got home. I had to. I can't be pregnant. I can't be. There is no way. But, just to confirm that I'm definitely not I need to take a test. I had about thirty minutes before we left. I went to one of the little shops in the airport that sold everything from cold medicine and phone chargers to fruit snacks and pregnancy tests. I grabbed one of the pink and white boxes along with a bottle of water, fruit snacks, and trail mix in hopes of making the pregnancy test less obvious. After paying I quickly shoved all of my purchases in my bag and took off for the bathroom. I went into a stall and ripped open the box flinging the little piece of paper that came with it on the floor. I didn't even have to pee. But I wasn't leaving until I did. I sat there for a moment waiting until I finally could go pee on the damn stick. It took two minutes to give you your results. Those two minutes felt like nearly two years. I put the test face down so I couldn't even see it. It was agonizing. I mean I knew I wasn't pregnant but just waiting for that to be confirmed absolutely ridiculous. As the clock second hand on watch finally made its way around to the twelve for a second time I took a deep breath.
"It's ok Sophie. It's ok. You're not pregnant. You're not," I said to myself as I flipped the test over revealing the two little pink lines that caused me to put my head down in my lap and start crying.

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. This could not be happening. I cannot be pregnant. I mean it's a possibility but I can't. I'm just now starting my career, my mom won't speak to me often, I sort of just got back together with my boyfriend/baby daddy, and I'm not even married! What is my mother going to say? What is Blake going to think? He's gonna leave. He's gonna dump me again. I should've went on the pill. Why didn't I do that like a long time ago? Damn it Sophie.

I let myself cry for five minutes because crying was the only thing I could do in that moment. But only for those five minutes. I stopped after that so I could get myself together before boarding the plane. The last thing I want my coworkers to see is me all red and snot faced.

After getting on the plane, I said hi to Julie, and went to my seat in the back away from everyone. I felt a second wave of tears coming on and I just wanted to be alone. I had my head turned to the window with my hood pulled over my face so no one would notice me.
"Sophie?" I heard a familiar voice call which caused me to turn my head. Jordan. God I can never catch a break. I quickly wiped the tears from under my eyes and rubbed my face with my sleeves.
"Yeah?" I said sniffling.
"I just wanted to tell you that were about to land...are you ok?" He asked.
"Ok. And yeah, yeah I'm fine. It's just allergies," I lie.
"Are you sure that's just allergies?" He asked.
"Yes, the change of temperature really flares them up you know?" I say getting my waterworks under control.
"Ok, yeah. Yeah it does. But, we will be at LAX in about fifteen minutes," he said getting up and going back up front to his seat as I looked at myself in my compact mirror wiping off the mascara that remained on my face. I was a hot mess. I was not only a hot mess, I was a pregnant hot mess.