Lilly & Julian

Chapter 21: 'Don't come asking for cuddles to me tonight.'

Please read the a/n at the end!

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"So today you all are free to do whatever you want. Preferably relax but it's up to you since it's the last day. And initially tonight's surprise was a rooftop candlelight dinner for Hannah and Blake only but there's a shortage of staff today so unfortunately, it's not possible."

That was announced by Julian to everyone during breakfast the next day.

"We hope you enjoyed this trip." Was the first thing I said to Blake and Han once breakfast was over.

"Are you kidding? This was literally the best-est thing anyone has ever done for us. For me, Lilly. I love you two to the moon and back." Hannah hugged me tightly while Blake glared playfully at her back.

"Oh? And what about the day I proposed you?"

Han narrowed her eyes at him, "Hmm...that'd be somewhere around fifth place."

Blake's jaw dropped.

"We're not getting married anymore."

Han just flipped him the bird, "Don't come asking for cuddles to me tonight."

All the while Julian and I stood awkwardly knowing nothing what to do, watching their banter play out. Something was different this morning. There was some kind of unresolved tension between the four of us and I had an idea what it was about.

Did I mention how much I hate cancer?

Exactly the reason I wasn't telling. Yes, I'll keep repeating it.

Although, somewhere inside me a weight had been lifted off. I was at ease and relief for the first time in weeks which might make me a bit selfish but that part of me didn't care anymore. Dread had also become my constant companion because of the infinite secrets I'd been carrying around me as though they were some sorts of candy.

A candy filled with bitterness instead of sweetness. Not suitable for children as well as adults because no one deserves to be unhappy.

Same goes for you Lilly.

It doesn't matter for me conscience, because I was the cause of everyone's hurt and betrayal so my feelings weren't really valid or that'd become being self-absorbed.

And that would just worsen the situation which I couldn't let happen.

"Lilly?" Julian's voice started me out of my thoughts.

I blinked twice before asking, "Huh?"

He gave me a smile although I couldn't help but notice that there was tightness in it, "I said, we need to talk. Are you okay?"

There was that phrase again; 'we need to talk'. Four words carrying more than enough power to break or make a person. I was pretty sure it was underrated than the three words 'I love you'.

"I- can we do it later? I'm just not feeling-" Lying is a sin they say. A sin which I had got practically a master degree in.

He exhaled a sharp breath shaking his head as he said, "Can you please stop lying Lilly? I understand it's extremely hard for you especially in the way we were told but I can't get even an ounce of sleep if I don't get answers. Please Noodle, I'm ready to even beg you just don't shut me off."

Something snapped in me when I saw the pure agony and misery in his aqua blue eyes.

And in that moment, I realized that I couldn't even imagine the pain he was feeling. Yes, I knew how it felt like to lose a person you love from cancer but the situations weren't the same at all.

My mother didn't lie to me.

In fact, she was quite open about it because we just didn't keep any secrets at all. She was my rock and I was hers the whole damn time. It hurt of course but she never meant to keep me in the dark because she always said that it hurts more.

I never thought how true it was until my case happened. I lied countless times, assured them I was fine, gave them fucking false hope if you can say that.

Only to crush everything in the end.

So no, I couldn't imagine what he was feeling. He deserved answers, answers which I shall gave.

"Okay, yeah. You're right. I'm sorry, let's go."

A sigh of relief escaped him and he muttered a quiet thank-you, pressing a kiss on my knuckles.

The whole way back to his room was spent in an unfamiliar, uncomfortable kind of silence. The silence which we never had between us.

How did things become so difficult?

As soon as Julian shut the door behind me the first thing he said was, "Tell me you're getting a treatment."

Well, this got worse, didn't it? Because the answer was no.

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A/N: Yes i finally updated woohoo!!!

OK so ive decided something: I will only be updating on weekends from now onwards. 

BEFORE YOU YELL AT ME HERE'S THE REASON

 im tired aff when i come home after school then ive my tuitions with shit ton of hw so i dont really have any time as well as the energy to think and write im so sorry! 

But dont worry! There will be two chapters every weekend on saturday & sunday and i may be generous some days by giving double updates lol. 

Hope you understand! Have a great day ahead <3 

-ct.

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