I Told The Stars About You

Deep Anguish

Andrew had guessed that since Dalton's death, his depression was only natural. As well as the numbness yet having the most tearful tolerance for feelings, making him cry at random times of the day, he thought that was only a normal, human thing for him to do. But after a year, and now, two years after Dalton's dead; he doesn't find it normal.

He actually thinks going to therapy as an option to heal him completely, as the most rational way to do so. He has been going to the stars for so long, two years now. It did fill the deepest void he felt after having the love of his life taken in a sudden action with no notice before it, no symptoms or no previous meeting for a proper goodbye. It didn't heal him, the stars didn't stitch his heart up as he needed, it was only a bandaid held together by imaginary comfort he made for himself.

He didn't miss Dalton any longer, a small part of him thinks that he might have lost the love he had for him, but actually, he just forgot how good it felt to love him. Sometimes, just sometimes, he forgets the color of his eyes, and how his hair looked, and his skin, he had forgotten the color of his skin, he just knows Dalton was paler than him. He has forgotten several things, and it scares him, it terrifies him since it might just confirm that forgetting could be just the comfort he needs.

He has focused way more in his studies now, so much that he is one and two steps in front. He is one of the best students in his class and thus has the benefit to graduate earlier, he wanted to, his plan of leaving this town he was born in was growing more and more as a possibility as the days went by. It was beginning to be a goal for him now, graduate early, leave, complete his three year residency and then find a job in a clinic to save enough money for him to be able to establish his own clinic.

He remembered this part of his plan as part of Dalton's fantasy of a future together. It was slightly weird for him, he didn't remember much of Dalton's physique or his voice, or whatever superficial factor that was about him. However he did remember his hopes for a future with Andrew, perhaps he remembered such because of the emotional and mental impact it had on him; it was also the day Dalton proposed to him. It was a day that Andrew remembered until now, he wondered how much he would think back on if they got married.

He was numb to almost everything now, he enjoyed time with friends and family yet he didn't feel warm, or happiness, or whatever feeling of pleasure he would normally get. His mind had created this curtain of numbness to protect him from feelings, it kept him from feeling more than he used to, from even getting close to killing himself from the anguish.

...

It was almost a speed of time everyday he woke up, studied, and went to sleep. It was a routine, he decided to not let his feelings or trauma make him slack off. He was tired of being the one human everyone showed pity for. Many birthdays went by, many lonesome days studying for something he no longer believed had a great future working in, he didn't care, he gave up completely in caring if his wellbeing was any good, he wasn't healthy at all.

But he was smarter, and better, and way past his classmates. He was going to graduate in less than 6 months. He was in the honors block of his class, every teacher and student now knew him for being the smart kid, less than being the kid who lost his fiance to a shooting.

It was endless nights of cramming entire books of 400 pages; taking large notes about topics he didn't even enjoy learning about anymore; not sleeping since studying for exams seemed like a better idea than dreaming about his dead boyfriend. He had changed, Sophia noticed this, Ayan, Blair, and Cleo noticed this; it was not a positive change for them.

Andrew had gotten more tired, bored, groggy, and sour. He no longer dressed up with a sense of comfort fashion, the sparkle of his eyes was gone. Sometimes he would stare at himself in the mirror and find the sparkle, the glow, the smile, the happiness, long gone. He was now the opposite of who he was when Dalton lived, it scared his friends, it scared everyone.