A Touch of Courage (Troyler AU)

Chapter 34: Mine

"To fall in love is easy, even to remain in it is not difficult; our human loneliness is cause enough. But it is a hard quest worth making to find a comrade through whose steady presence one becomes steadily the person one desires to be."

― Anna Louise Strong

Tyler's POV

His movements were slow and deliberate, like his breathing

Caspar was speaking to him.

Tyler heard it as if from very far away and understood, at length, that Caspar was saying they needed to leave.

He spoke words to Caspar, or thought he did, because Caspar nodded and started hurrying away, leaving Tyler to sit frozen another moment before slowly levering himself up and making his way back home.

His hands shook and at first he couldn't fit the key into the lock. But then he was inside, closing the door behind him. For a moment he just stood, face pressed against the solid wood, eyes closed.

He turned to face rooms that seemed too dark for the sunlight of midday; to silence that sounded brick-hard.

Past the Living Room and down the hallway, his footsteps muted. He flung open the bedroom door like he still thought he would find Troye there. Of course he didn't. The emptiness of the house was already in him before he'd found it in this room.

Messy bed and his wadded black jeans, but no sleeping boy and no breath but his own, heaving out of him.

He stood there, sick with his own abrupt stillness, stunned by the next impossibility: deciding what to do. He had to do something, right? He had to-figure out what to do.

He backed out of the room slowly and moved mechanically to the kitchen. He made himself coffee, slugged it down, and ten minutes later puked brown bitter acid into the toilet.

He slumped against the wall of the bathroom.

He'd been so numb. He had not fully felt the blows of those words until now, when they all came together. An unsteady physical exhaustion was on him. There was a ricochet of feeling in him, surges of pain and horror flinching back toward the firmer ground of deep despair. He couldn't move, he couldn't think. There was a crushing pressure that wouldn't leave his chest. He wanted to kill something, or someone but he didn't have the energy. He didn't have the energy to get up from the floor.

-X-

No Troye in class that day, not that he was supposed to be looking for him. Still. Tyler thought this was the first time he'd ever known Troye to ever skip a class. What did this mean? Did it mean anything?

Tyler glanced at the empty desk. Maybe he should just leave-

Mr. Parker started handing out an assignment sheet and Tyler settled into his seat, closing his eyes and ignoring everything around him.

He didn't even know how he felt anymore. Tired. Scared. Tired of being scared. Conflicted over what he should do about the missing boy beside him.

Are you referring to him attempting suicide?

He drifted, silent on a still sea of numbness. He wondered whether if he tried hard enough, he might just disappear altogether.

-X-

The day was almost gone and Tyler was still numb, mind blank.

He didn't feel anything and he wanted to feel something, so he whispered Troye's name. And he felt something. The emotions that had been growing in him since he'd first heard about Troye turned sharp.