A Touch of Courage (Troyler AU)

Chapter 44: Keep Me Closer

From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were—I have not seen
As others saw—I could not bring
My passions from a common spring—
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow—I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone—
And all I lov'd—I lov'd alone ...

  - Edgar Allan Poe, Alone

Troye's POV

The next morning, Troye sat at the table, staring down at his breakfast.

His mind filled with images, fuzzy at the edges and too bright all at once, like a dream. His father, sitting beside him, mouth pressed into a thin line. Ms. Magerelli, baffled, trying to talk to him. Caspar and Zoe's words, a quiet whisper trailing behind him.

Tyler came over but Troye didn't have words in him just then. His words always ran away just when he needed them to stay.

Troye took a deep breath and tried to gather himself. He might have sat there without saying anything, he was trying to be braver. And bravery was like a muscle: it needed to be torn and rebuilt over and over again to withstand everything life threw at you. So instead of continuing to avoid things, he turned to face Tyler

"I'm going back to class today."

Tyler paused, then nodded slowly. "Okay."

Then, quietly, "You look so sad, Troye. I just...I wish I could take all your pain away."

Troye felt very far away. He felt a little empty. A little numb.

He met Tyler's eyes.

"It isn't yours to take."

-X-

They walked to class together in the cold. They took the long way and Tyler held his hand and there was a silence between them that felt better than a conversation.

Tyler squeezed his hand in silent reassurance. It was such a simple thing, to walk somewhere and hold a human hand. A boy's hand. But it wasn't simple at all.

They stopped when the path became less secluded and began to join with more populated trails.

Tyler dropped his hand before Troye had time to tug it away.

Troye glanced around him, trying to delay the moment they would need to start moving in separate directions. When he shifted his gaze back, Tyler was looking at him quietly.

"Will you sit with us at lunch today?"

Troye looked at him. He didn't know what kind of look he was wearing.

Tyler tensed but didn't drop his gaze. "Okay. But you should know that everyone misses you. Everyone wants you to come back."

Troye nodded, struggled to find his voice. "Maybe tomorrow."

Tyler inhaled slowly before gently combing Troye's hair back with his fingers.

Troye felt like crying. But he knew he wasn't going to to.

"We should get going."

He picked up the pace again, gaze fixed on his trudging feet.

-X-

Troye walked into English class reluctantly, trying to keep the tension out of his body as he scanned the room. Zoella caught his eyes and smiled nervously before asking him how he was doing.