A Touch of Courage (Troyler AU)

Chapter 6: Finding My Religion

"I have been astonished that men could die martyrs for their religion--I have shuddered at it.  I shudder no more.  I could be martyred for my religion.  Love is my religion and I could die for that.  I could die for you.  My Creed is Love and you are its only tenet."

― John Keats 

Troye's POV

"My friend."  Troye spoke the words as if he didn't know their meaning, or perhaps as if he were afraid of their meaning.  He felt a sliver of wistfulness, of yearning move through him and held his tongue still, preventing it from betraying his orphan's craving for affection; reminding himself that he wasn't actually an orphan.  Thoughts were moving through his mind too rapidly to be fully understood, as if they were hummingbirds in flight and he was trying to see their wings.  He couldn't focus, his thoughts buzzing through his mind like bees that had caught the scent of honey.  Slowly, one thought grew large enough to register and the caverns of his mind conducted it, splintering it into smaller fragments that collided with the whirlwind of other thoughts and absorbed them.  That one thought was a question. 

"Why?" 

Tyler looked away and made a helpless gesture. 

"I don't know." The words were spoken without a hint of irony or mockery.  Instead, Tyler was running his hand through his hair, a look of bafflement dominating his features.  He seemed as if he would say more, but he fumbled for words, at a loss, and the moment trailed away.  After a moment he dropped his hands and looked at Troye.  Just looked.  And Troye was jolted into a fluttering of ­ butterflies and... something else.  He felt his breath catch as the gaze washed over him and his body went still.  Troye took a shaky breath as his stillness saturated the air around them, reshaping it to shelter a moment- a moment where Tyler's gaze felt like a pull.  Troye felt his face warm and suddenly felt as powerless as the Earth, fated by the force of gravity to circle the sun; as weightless as moonlight hurtling through space in an inevitable collision with the ground.   

Dimly, he was aware that Tyler's body was straining forward, as if fighting against a sudden shift in his center of gravity and he felt a pulsing inside him- a pulsing that had first stirred to life at Tyler's quiet offer of friendship.  That small pulse exploded into a steady pounding and Troye was aware of the aching void in him that was slowly being filled by a longing for- for what?  For companionship.  For a reason not to reject the offer. He felt his fingers twitch and fought against the extraordinary compulsion pulsing through his blood, forcing himself to keep still, to resist.  He felt himself growing alarmed when the muted world around them faded even more and his efforts to resist were batted away with ease.  He felt as if he were on the edge of something inenarrable and felt the pull; felt the moment trying to tip him over that edge of some chasm.  He fought against it.  And in that fight he felt fear- the fear of being swept away beyond the point of control; of struggling against this tide and losing.  

He panicked. 

His eyes went wide and his gaze faltered, breaking the effortless grace of the moment.  He scrambled backwards as if scalded, barely aware that his fingers were shaking.  He gathered his things quickly and the outside world, which a second ago had seemed less real than the moment strung between them, came rushing back in.  It was as if the energy of their moment had charged Troye in some way and he hadn't realized it until he moved away and the absence flooded in.   

Troye stared at Tyler and his eyes were wide as he backed away- away from the jagged edges of whatever that moment was. 

"I-I have to g- I'm late for-."  Troye felt his words stumble over each other and stopped talking abruptly, fingers tightening on his held backpack.  He turned on his heel sharply and walked away, his mind lurching with confusion.  Then, without permission from his mind, his head turned, once, to look back at Tyler.  To see that Tyler was still sitting under the tree, watching him intently.