A Touch of Courage (Troyler AU)

Chapter 28: Paradise Lost

I'm only human, can't you see?
I made, I made a mistake
Please just look me in my face
Tell me everything's okay

- Never be Like You, Flume

Troye's POV

Troye walked back to his dorm slowly, staring out at the frozen landscape. He felt as if he'd been in an accident and someone should be rushing up to check his vital signs. No one was though.

As soon as he got into his dorm, stopped to put the kettle on, then went to his room and took a shower. He felt filthy.

He got out and stared at himself in the mirror. His stomach clenched as he looked at his body. So small, so delicate, all bone and glass, like something made purposefully to tempt the world into smashing it. He didn't think he'd ever hated his own reflection more than he did then.

He remembered Tyler looking at him intently, the frustration, hurt and confusion clearly evident on his face. Troye felt his questions forming. He didn't know what words Tyler would use, but the gist of it boiled down to Why? And Troye wanted to tell him, but felt his own return questions burgeoning within him. It felt like the burgeoning of fear and uncertainty at darkfall, but it was something much more dangerous than either. It was hope. It was: Can you help me? Will you still look at me the same way if you knew? And the most contemptible question of all: How can I do this without letting you go?

When he'd come to this school, he'd had no scope to imagine him. A...friend? An ally? A dreamer in whose eyes he saw the best version of himself reflected, like a seed taking root. If only that seed could be transplanted into reality. But it couldn't. It couldn't. Who knew better how poisonous and toxic the soil in him was? It didn't allow anything good to grow.

So instead of answering his question of why why why, he had fumbled, misdirected, diverted. Tyler had allowed it; had struggled not to press for more. Tyler had patience for mysteries. Still, Troye couldn't help the sinking feeling that Tyler was rapidly reaching the end of his. He'd seen the look on Tyler's face. He wanted so badly to speak and make everything between them whole again. He just had no idea how to actually do it.

He knew if he couldn't give Tyler more, he had to give him less; had to give him nothing at all. He was just too weak and cowardly to do what he knew needed to be done. He had tried, and at the first sign that he might be succeeding in actually pushing Tyler away, he'd felt an unbearable sadness eviscerate him. The feeling was excruciating. It wasn't the sadness of merely waking up from a pleasant dream. It was the utter desolation of having found a place that fits, a place that evoked the feeling of home, with everything that word was meant to imply, of experiencing the first heady sigh of rightness...before being torn away and cast back into a random, lonely existence. It was unspeakably cruel and Troye hadn't been able to go through with it. But his half-hearted attempt might have done enough damage to finish the job anyway.

Troye raised fists to his eyes and pressed. He had to convince himself that running back to Tyler's place and begging him to forget everything he had said that day, begging him to tolerate him a little longer, to please not give up on him, would be unreasonable.

He got dressed on auto pilot and walked back into his room, stopping short when he saw he was no longer alone.

Caspar looked up in surprise. "Troye? What are you doing here?"