A Touch of Courage (Troyler AU)

Chapter 20: If It Kills Me

"Well all I really wanna do is love you
A kind much closer than friends use
But I still can't say it after all we've been through
And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me"

-Jason Mraz, If It Kills Me

Tyler's POV

Troye grabbed a clean palette and filled it with the rainbow droppings of abused tubes of paint. He picked up a paintbrush but made no move to use it, tapping the end against his chin and staring at the canvas. Tyler watched him quietly but Troye still made no move to begin. His eyes flickered to Tyler before returning to the canvas.

"Are you sure it's okay for me to be here? I can come back and pick you up once you're done."

"No," Troye drew the word out slowly. "It's okay, you can stay."

Even though he was giving him permission, Tyler could tell the idea made Troye nervous. For one thing, he still hadn't made a move to start. For another, he was sitting at the very edge of his stool, and he kept glancing between Tyler and the canvas with an odd look.

To make it less nerve-wracking, Tyler got up and wandered around the room slowly, increasing the distance between himself and Troye. He didn't look over at Troye, hoping his seeming distraction would put the other boy at ease.

There were remnants of half-finished projects strewn about. Some paintings, some sculptures, some sketches. He wandered over to a cabinet, pretending to be interested in a mass of disjointed shapes and stray wires.

Several long minutes passed and Tyler thought he should probably say something now, but after running through a few opening lines, everything he thought of sounded pathetic. And pathetic was exactly the right word for it. He'd had Troye's skin against his own less than 2 days ago, and now he could barely string two words together. He just had no idea how to act around him anymore and the uncertainty was killing him.

He took a breath and began to speak, turning around as he did so. "So, uh..."

The weight of Troye's gaze him full force and his words cut off abruptly.

Troye's eyes stayed on his and Tyler moved forward slowly, noting that the canvas was still pristine. "Are you sure I'm not distracting you?" Tyler asked finally, staring at the unstained canvas and feeling Troye's gaze on him.

"You are." Troye said softly. "But it's okay. I don't want you to leave."

Tyler nodded slowly and Troye's gaze flickered back to the empty canvas. He picked up a paintbrush but hesitated, glancing at Tyler again. Tyler took the prompt and moved away again, heading towards a wall off to the side. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Troye make the first brushstrokes.

He wandered over to a half-hidden painting, dragging it to view more clearly and staring at it in bafflement. It looked like someone had thrown globs of paint at the canvas with no rhyme of reason. It was monstrous, a furious unraveling of color, all motion, no form.

He pulled out another painting and it was more of the same. A picture with ultra-high-resolution, browns and reds and yellow pixels totally decontextualized into blobs of color.

"You know, I don't really get the whole abstract thing."

"It's not usually my thing either." Troye admitted, barely glancing over as his arm moved steadily with the paintbrush. "But sometimes, it can be really cathartic."

He could see why flinging globs of paint at a canvas might be cathartic, but...

"Yeah, I guess so. I just like my paintings to actually look they match something in reality. If it's distorted beyond recognition, then what's the point?"