A Touch of Courage (Troyler AU)

Chapter 36: A Cacophony of Silence

 I measure every Grief I meet

With narrow, probing, eyes –

I wonder if It weighs like Mine –

Or has an Easier size.

I wonder if it hurts to live –

And if They have to try –

And whether – could They choose between –

It would not be – to die – 

- Emily Dickinson

Troye's POV

Troye wrenched his eyes open. There was no light. Not even the faintest glow. It was late, as late as the end of the world.

Troye's head swan with undulating shadows. He managed to sit up but at first, he couldn't really see the room. He got up slowly and walked cautiously forward, arm held out before him as a shield.

He took one step forward, then another. The air grazed his body too intimately and he shivered, pausing to throw on a hoodie from the closet before making his way out of the room.

He wasn't sure what he was feeling, exactly; an alternating current of doubt and dizziness flowed through him. Still, he took a steadying breath before calling out, "Tyler?"

"In here!"

Troye started making his way towards the voice.  He wanted to keep walking.  He wanted to find somewhere so quiet and remote that no one would glance his way or try to talk to him. 

Instead, he stopped at the kitchen and let Tyler usher him to the table.  

"Do you want something to eat something?"

He wasn't hungry, but he was irrefutably empty. He shook his head as he sat. 

"No, thanks."

"Okay," Tyler rubbed his hands against his legs. "Should I-do you want some tea?"

He didn't, but he understood that sometimes it was easier to do something than to say something, so he nodded.

He sat at the kitchen table sipping tea and staring off into space. The tea was sloshing against the sides of his cup, like it was trying to escape. Strange. That shouldn't be happening.

Tyler was suddenly at his side. He put his hand on the mug. "Hey, you're going to drop it."

Troye stared up at him and didn't know what he meant. It must have shown on his face because Tyler explained, "Your hands are shaking. I'm afraid you're going to drop the cup."

Tyler eased it out of his hands and set it on the table. Troye stared at his own hands and Tyler was right, they were shaking.

"Oh." He stared down at them like they belonged to someone else. "Sorry."

There was enough space between them for Troye to stretch his arm out all the way and still not touch Tyler. He didn't do that of course. Instead, he pressed his palms into his lap. His whole chest aching. Everything seemed fuzzy and far away, behind glass.

He'd imagined what he'd do when he saw Tyler again. He'd explain everything. Grab his hand to keep him in place as he apologized. Plan ways to get back to their normal selves together. Instead, he sat with three feet of artificial light between them.