Broken Souls Don't Cry

Chapter 38

Sara

Sara laid on her bed curled into a ball. She had no more tears left to cry. Instead, she stared at the wall, her thoughts were empty. If she didn't think about it, then it wouldn't hurt. She tried to convince herself of that, yet it didn't stop the gaping hole in her heart. Nothing and no one would be able to fill that empty space.

She was used goods, chewed up and spit out. No one would want her now. No one needed her around. She was a burden to those around her. A gasp left her as she closed her eyes tight.

Thoughts that she had repressed for years began to surface. Everyone's life would be simpler without her in it. Casey wouldn't have a broken-hearted roommate who couldn't be around men or even hold a conversation with anyone. Her parents would stop worrying about her, maybe even get back together after she's gone. Sara was the reason why they divorced after all. If she wasn't here, they would get back together. Her siblings didn't need her around. No one else at school would even know she was gone.

Dry sobs heaved out of her as she gasped for breath. Sara shook her head trying to rid the thoughts from overtaking her.

Kyle was still out there, and his threat was very real.

He couldn't get me if I was dead. Sara mused

No. She couldn't think like this. Thoughts like these lead down a road she didn't want to travel again. No one but her parents knew that she had gone down a path of self-harm a few months after her rape. She had never told Casey or Kai about it. They only knew that she still suffered panic attacks from the event and subsequent bullying.

Sara rolled over to stare out the window. A picture of her and Kai sat on her nightstand. She turned the photo face down to avoid Kai's gaze. They had taken that before they left California. They had gone to the beach right before heading to the airport to catch their flight home. Kai had asked a stranger to take their photo. She was smiling at the camera; Kai's arms were around her and his gaze on her instead of the camera.

He had looked at her with such tenderness and adoration. It had been her favorite photo of them together.

Sara had left her phone with Casey after AJ dropped her off and she had told her to go through and put every single photo of Kai into a folder. She didn't want all her memories erased, but for the time being, it would hurt too much to go through her photos and inadvertently come across one with him in it.

Leaving it with Casey would also ensure that her phone didn't blow up with messages from anyone. She didn't want to see or talk to them. They'd only look at her with pity, Casey included.

There was a soft knock on her door, but Sara ignored it. Her eyes continued to stare out of the window and into the dark, starless night. It was fitting, really, the sky emulated her heart. Cold and dark.

A sliver of light fell into her room as Casey quietly walked in. Sara felt the end of her bed dip down as Casey sat on it.

"Sara?" she hesitantly asked, her voice nearly a whisper.

Sara didn't move or acknowledge her friend's presence. Her eyes stayed glued to the empty void of space.

"Kai's on his way over. He wants to speak with you."

Her heart clenched. Why would he come here? She was yesterday's news. Day old bread. He should be having sex with Chelsea celebrating his release from her. Sara tuned Casey out instead when she tried to push a little more.

After a few minutes with no response, Casey stood up and closed the door. Her room was dark again.

A little while later another knock came at the door. She could smell him before he spoke. His scent, green apple, lemon, and mint filled the room. Sara didn't move.

Soon she saw Kai kneeling before her, to her, he was unfocused as she tried to remain oblivious to his presence. The only part that gave her away was the frantic beating of her heart.

"Sara, please let me explain."

When she didn't answer he brushed the hair off her face and caressed her cheek before falling down into her hands. He then continued, but Sara didn't hear a word. She continued to stare out into the night sky while her body went cold, and her soul froze over.

She didn't notice when Kai stopped speaking. She didn't feel his hands as they tried to pull her out of her derelict state. She didn't feel anything. She was numb. The tingles that used to crawl up her arm whenever they touched were gone.

Sara heard murmuring whispers, likely coming from Casey and Kai. She didn't acknowledge or even try to understand what they were saying.

Soon the room was silent, and she was alone. Just how it would be from here on out.

**

Sara had fallen asleep at some point during the night. She woke up to see the sun shining, she was still in the same position as earlier. Her body ached from the lack of movement. She rolled onto her back and stared at the ceiling. She should get some room darkening curtains to block the light out.

Sara planned to stay holed up in her room until the start of next semester. Only coming out for the necessities.

She pulled out her laptop and brought up a search for some curtains. She found some she could hang without any wall damage, and they would arrive tomorrow with one day shipping. Feeling like something had finally gone right, Sara slowly stood up and walked to the bathroom.

Swinging by the kitchen to grab a water bottle, Sara found Casey sitting at the kitchen table. Much to her astonishment, Kai was sitting there as well.

Had he stayed the night? Sara wondered.

She quickly diverted her eyes back to the floor, grabbed herself a water bottle and headed back to her room. Casey and Kai had called out to her, but Sara promptly ignored them, locking her bedroom door behind her. She wanted no visitors, especially from Kai.

The next time Sara emerged from her self-imposed prison; Kai was no longer at the apartment. She let a sigh of relief pass her lips before heading back to her bedroom and again locking the door.

Sara passed the time between bathroom breaks by staring at the ceiling, staring out the window, or attempting to sleep.

Her dreams were filled with pleasant memories turned nightmare or flashbacks from when she was 17. One flashback was of her at her locker, Kai came up to her, only this time, it wasn't a 17-year-old Kai, it was adult Kai, and he was taunting her in the same way that he did in high school. Sara woke with a start when teen turned adult Kai took a blade and stabbed her in her heart.

She decided not to sleep again if she could help it. How long could one survive without sleep? She wondered.

Casey came to her door a few times over the next few days, but Sara ignored her. She was still not ready to interact with anyone.

The room darkening curtains were helpful for Sara to block the world out.

During a moment of relative calm, Sara decided to email Professor Larsen and apologize for missing her final and the presentation and she said she understood if failing to do the presentation meant she would need to repeat the class.

Surprisingly Professor Larsen had been extremely understanding and wasn't going to require anything of her. She had said that the report her and Kai wrote was sufficient. She also mentioned that Kai did a wonderful job with the presentation.

Days passed and Sara continued her solitude. Barely eating. She'd converse a few times with Casey but anytime Kai was brought up, Sara would shut down and hide back in her room. Casey had given her cellphone back, however Sara kept it turned off. If it was important, they could contact her through Casey.

The ache in her heart remained. The gaping hole left by Kai was a constant reminder of what she had lost and would never have again, from anyone.