(COMPLETE) Oh Cr...ofters, We're 30?! - Prinxiety Fanfiction

The Plan

Summary: Janus immediately finds a change in his neighbours and acts accordingly, but adding some benefit for himself and his horny flatmate.

The music was blaring in Janus' house when he got back from work, meaning Remus was either having a solitary dance party or... playing with himself... in his bedroom. But the music was so loud and after a day at work all he wanted was to dissociate and possibly nap. At least he knew that his neighbours were quiet – all the curtains were still drawn so they possibly just woke up.

"REMUS!" Janus shouted up the stairs once he realised the living room was empty. The music was turned down only slightly and a rough, indiscriminate shout that seemed worn out came in return. "I'm heading over to the neighbours!"

"Say I said hi!" A grunt came in return when Janus turned away from the stairs, making Janus take a deep breath as he really didn't want to communicate with his neighbour in this particular moment. Still, he moved past it and went to the house next door. The house that always seemed like a safe and quiet haven to the awkward introvert.

Well, the only negative about visiting Virgil and Roman was that they were definitely both allosexual. Their attractions to each other were always strong and they were somehow good parents of their hyper five-year-old. Whenever Janus visited the two never looked away from each other and almost always held each other in one way or another. And since Remus spurted that they were having another baby that meant they'd be even more touchy. Why was Janus willingly going to visit them again?

Before Janus could turn around he was knocking at the husbands' front door. In a few minutes the door was opened by Roman wearing red patchwork pyjamas. Now usually the pair had their own special way of greeting each other – Roman would play that Janus wasn't invited and Janus would respond equally snarky. But this time was very different. Roman was just staring at him. Janus didn't usually have to break the silence.

"I would say something like 'can I borrow your flour' like a normal neighbour but we can both expect I just need to escape from Remus."

Roman paused his thoughts again, his glabella creasing as he turned back to Virgil for just a second, but then he immediately transformed into a cheery, chippy tone. "Hey Janus! How are you?" The father at the door allowed his neighbour through, smiling at Virgil again and immediately coming to his side. That bit was normal but again it seemed different – it was like Roman had his tail between his legs. "You want tea or coffee or anything? Sorry we're all in pjs, we had a late sleep-in today." Roman hadn't sat down yet and instead did a quick turn to the kitchen. He seemed to be lost in his own house.

"Are the two of you OK?" Janus managed to mumble, also refusing to sit down and just stuffing his fists in his pockets. Virgil also didn't seem normal, they had quite a snarky relationship too but this time Virgil didn't speak to Janus at all and focused on his husband. The pair talked about this breakfast quesadilla and left their excitable five year old staring up at Janus.

But something was definitely wrong with little Nathan's parents, and even though Janus had no idea how children functioned he didn't want to cause any unnecessary trauma. "Hey kid? Can you like, leave the room for a sec? But pretend I said that in a fun way."

Nathan's eyes glowed and he smiled wide. "I can show you the artwork I made yesterday at school?" Janus nodded at that and the little boy shooed away. While the child was away Janus walked towards the kitchen and tried to figure out a time to interject and quiz the two husbands on exactly what they were thinking. The two men were still chatting about the breakfast quesadillas and for some reason taxes? But not in the way adults talked about taxes – they were talking about taxes like they were a foreign, abstract concept.

"How long have you guys been like this?" Yes, Janus was being very blunt with this, he always was a blunt person. And something had most definitely happened.

But both Virgil and Roman gave their visitor a look of confused shock and they spitted out any excuse to seem normal. "What do you mean? We've been married for years and in love since high school!" Virgil eventually chirped – his voice high pitched. The voice Virgil made when he got caught.

"Oh really? When did you get married?"

"Um... June?"

Everything was going to plan with this. No way would Roman and Virgil have a summer wedding, they both hated heat with a passion and would know that if they'd known each other for a significant period of time. "What date then?"

Roman wrapped his arms around Virgil, which was the closest to normal he had been, but it still seemed as though it was forced and pretend rather than real, freely reciprocated affection. "The 22nd! And it was the best day of my life!" But there was a certain look Roman gave Virgil, and Virgil gave the look back before nervously looking away. One look wasn't enough validation though.

Now was time for the big reveal. "It was the 10th of October." The look of shock Roman and Virgil were trying to hide did seem funny. But Janus needed to get to the bottom of this. "Well, well, well – you really should update me on what's been happening this last month."

*****

"Yeah... So that's what's happened this last month." By the time Virgil and Roman had finished explaining everything they were all sat on the sofa, a larger than normal distance from each other. Janus could immediately tell that they weren't how they used to be. "We... We want to get back I think." Virgil continued, taking a deep breath as he looked nervously at Roman just to check. Roman nodded too silently and switched his eyes between the adult conversation and the end of Peter Pan. "I mean – I love not having the dysphoria but I think we're just digging ourselves into a hole, y'know?"

Janus quietly nodded and thought for a second, unsure of how to exactly help his teen dimension hopping neighbours. But Janus was the type to twist a couple of things for others – and therefore his own - personal gain. And there was something for Remus that really needed to done. "I think I know how to help you." The hope in Virgil and Roman's eyes came immediately. "You've just got to do a favour for me first."

"We'll do anything." Roman smiled and shuffled closer, even leaned forward a little bit. To still look relaxed though he brought an arm behind Virgil on the sofa and Virgil tensed. He wasn't even touched but he tensed at the thought of being touched.

"You know that absolute jar of nerd that comes to visit every so often?"

Roman and Virgil gave a confused look to their neighbour and sipped the coffee they had grabbed for themselves while explaining their stories. "I need you to get him to ask Remus out on a date, as long as he's comfortable of course. But Remus simps way too much for him whenever he walks down your drive. God help me." Janus had to hide his cringe just imagining all the situations he had to deal with Remus in. He really needed a boyfriend.

"We can do that." Virgil said quickly, looking at Roman for reassurance again and smiling when Roman smiled back. So the three had a plan – and Virgil and Roman were one step closer to going home.