Summary: Virgil can't stop thinking about the cuddle the previous night, and not in a lovey-dovey sense. He didn't regret it in the moment... but his mind is regretting it now.
... This is my favourite chapter so far, only trigger warning is the description of a panic attack.
"Careful with the brushes kiddo, why don't you use the colourful crayons?" Virgil was stood in his art basement, working on a sculpture with his son beside him. Nathan had just been driven home from kindergarten and still hadn't got all his energy out – he in fact wanted to show his Daddy how good an artist he was with the crayons he got as a gift from Uncle Logan. That didn't mean he avoided the $35 paintbrushes though. It was difficult for Virgil to distract Nathan from the expensive things while he was carefully carving a dancing ballerina, but he was managing it and seemingly managing it well.
Luckily Virgil was saved from any financial damage by the front door knocking – meaning Roman had arrived home. Nathan could sense this straight away. "Dad!" Nathan screamed and ran upstairs to the ground floor, and soon enough the screams were joined by the low chuckle of Roman.
Virgil's mind was still stained with memories of the morning. How warm Roman's arms felt and how soft his skin was when he kissed it was mixed with the embarrassment that came because of it – the joking teasing in the low rough voice about how cuddly Virgil had become. He wasn't meant to lose control like that! And now Roman was probably going to be teasing him all day about it until the pair were teens again.
"Hey, Creepy Cookie! Where are ya?" Roman's shout brought Virgil out of his nervous thoughts as he straightened his back, focusing on the sculpture again. Soon Virgil could sense Roman behind him, and he knew it was for certain when the man mumbled to the five year old: "Can you let us have a talk kiddo? Maybe go get your classwork?"
Nathan happily ran upstairs which got Virgil on edge again. He needed to breathe, Logan told him he was sure the night-time cuddle wasn't that big of a deal. But Logan didn't know Roman – he only saw him a few nights in middle school and the beginning of high school. And at the moment Virgil's anxious mind couldn't get the idea of the varsity soccer player Roman Krol that was on a good level with the bully kids.
"Wow..." Roman gasped quietly as his footsteps came closer. Eventually he leant over Virgil's shoulder and stroked the tutu of the ballerina's dress. "This one is absolutely beautiful."
"Mhm." Just focus on your breaths Virgil, take deep breaths, get rid of the cognitive distortions (or whatever that nerd of a college lecturer called those bad brain thoughts).
There was a moment of silence which Virgil was thankful for. Roman just accounted it to be his focus on his work, but Virgil paused his work when he heard Roman speak again. "Can we... talk about last night?"
"What do we need to talk about? It was just a silly predicament, nothing more, nothing less." Virgil snapped back, an anger in his voice that caused Roman to silence and take a larger step back. He swallowed his nerves and carried on speaking.
"Well... Was it a mistake? I mean, it was nice waking up close to you. You're warm and... and you make me feel... nice." Nerves were trying to silence Roman's voice as he spoke, yet he continued. He wanted to do this – so why was he so nervous? He was sure he loves Virgil.
Virgil too, was full of nerves. He didn't have the courage to read these nerves though unlike Roman, all he knew was that he was hating these nerves. Sure, he really wanted to date Roman now he knew what life was like with him. But this just seemed too good to be true – who would actually want Virgil's small, insignificant body resting against them? Why would Roman fall in love with Virgil?
Eventually Roman started speaking clearly again after taking a few deep breaths. "What I'm saying is that I think I want to start dating you. We can do it as quickly or slowly as you'd like, like we can just be a little romantic and see what happens or we can just live life like this! We can forget about Janus and forget about going home and we can be married and happy together."
There was no mistaking a bewilderment in Roman's voice as he spoke softly about the life he and Virgil were going to have together as people in love. But Roman was a drama teacher, he had just been teaching teenagers to pretend things all day, he was probably just pretending now in order to embarrass Virgil more.
"Haha, very funny." Virgil pretended to laugh, carving a bow in the ballerina's shoe and keeping the poison on his lips. Roman was silent again after that, confused. "Now, can you cook dinner tonight? Nate was begging for mozzarella-stuffed crust pizza."
The bewilderment in Roman's voice quickly became dejection as he stepped back fully and stuffed his hands in his pockets. "I... Uh... Sure. I'll call for you when it's ready."
And just like that, the world was silent again as Roman trotted back upstairs to entertain Nathan and cook. This left Virgil in silent thought and immediate regret. What if Roman was being honest about his feelings? Well, then Virgil had ruined any chance to be romantic with Roman. And what if this hurts the relationship they already have, and they stop being friends when they're back home? Virgil might have screwed his entire happy teenage life up.
"Fuck!" Virgil screamed as he accidentally cut off the foot of the ballerina he had been working on all day. That was then he realised he had fully lost control of everything, including his emotions. His ears started to ring, then he started to feel dizzy and the world sounded muffled. All that he could hear was his quickening breaths and the sound of his tongue being freed from the top of his mouth when his jaw opened, which at the moment sounded like the tearing of duct tape. This was a full-blown panic attack, worse than he'd ever had it since arriving in this strange world, and he was having it alone in his basement.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck..." Virgil carried of swearing as he dropped everything and sat on the floor, bringing his knees to his chest and crying. He tried counting his breaths but that was no use right now... He just needed to wait and let his body torture itself for being such an idiot.
He didn't know how long it had been by the time he had calmed himself down. He was still shaking but at least he could take deep breaths and the ringing in his ears had stopped. But Virgil still felt nauseous and he definitely didn't have the energy to stand up and either work or be a father. He just wanted to sit on the floor and pretend none of this life had ever happened, so he could be back to a bullied and discriminated teenager that didn't have to worry about the possibility of people falling in love with him.
But Virgil's thoughts stopped yet again when he saw Roman at the arch of the door, staring at him in shock. "What?" Virgil managed to growl out, keeping his knees high and eye contact sharp. Roman just blinked twice.
"Do you want tofu on your pizza?"
Silence on both sides was joined by confused staring at each other for a couple of minutes, letting Virgil calculate the words being said. "I remember you like tofu on your pancakes, and pizza is basically a tomato pancake that is socially acceptable to have after late morning."
Roman remembered that Virgil liked tofu pancakes. Not even his own mother remembered that even though she'd known her son's favourite topping for six years... And now Virgil was starting to cry again. Because of course he was an emotional mess right now.
This time Roman walked forward slowly and squat in front of Virgil. He didn't say anything, just gently watched. "I'm sorry I can't do this..." Virgil eventually said through the tears as he frantically wiped his eyes. Roman nodded and was about to stand before Virgil began to shout with no control. "I mean, like, like dating too. I can't date you right now. We need to go home."
"Maybe suggesting we miss fourteen years of our life was a bit of a stretch." Roman giggled softly, rolling his eyes at himself. "We can just forget this ever happened if you want us to."
Virgil nodded slowly and ruffled his hair as Roman stood again and cleaned his hands from sawdust. "I'll bring you your pizza down here when it's ready." Roman gave such a soft smile at the crying, shaking, mess of sawdust on the basement floor and with that look, Virgil knew deep inside he didn't regret kissing his shoulder blade the night before. He was so attractive.
"I'll come up, just give me a couple of minutes." Roman smiled more and nodded, giving one last soft look that made Virgil's heart happily skip a beat before he turned and walked up the stairs shouting after the excitable Nathan.
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