Long Time No See

Selfish

Eric
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HTX
9:00pm
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I have been home for a few hours. I made sure that Amari and the babies were good at their doctor's appointment before heading to the office and then to Kyle's house.

"When did you get in." He asked as he opened the door.

"Around 2, went straight to the appointment. I'm just leaving the office honestly." I said thinking of all the work that will still need to be done.

"Everything good?"

"Yeah good and healthy." I said plainly.

"How was New York? Did baby girl enjoy herself?" He continued the conversation.

"She had a ball. She was sad that I was leaving because she thinks the babies are coming sooner rather than later. But she had a ball." I said thinking about all of the money that was spent for her party. I made sure she had everything she wanted and her mother and I didn't argue one time. For the first time it genuinely felt like Yani and I were in a good space.

"What about you?" He asked as we finally reached his kitchen.

"Man... it was so fucked up. I fucked up." I said think about Hadiya.

"You didn't..."

"I wanted to. I still want to." I admitted.

"It's the abortion thing isn't it?" He asked as I sat down. I instantly pause my movements to look at him.

"What do you mean?" I asked. I didn't know where he was going with it but I know if he brought it up it was for a reason.

"That shit is heavy and y'all will never be the same. I feel like you feel like you have to pay her back." He said getting to the point. I placed both of my elbows on his cold marble countertop and placed my head into my hands. I took a few deep breaths and shook my head.

"I go to her spot and... she was almost in tears because Amari called her and told her not to fuck me." I said looking up at him.

"Get the fuck out of here." He said laughing.

"Nigga I'm not playing. Soon as I walked in the door she told me she had just talked to her." I explained.

"Nigga that's heavy shit." He replied.

"Even after that I still wanted to do it. Mar and I will never be the same. The house, all this shit was a mistake." The fact of the matter is I was never going to be able to look at her the same. I do love her but I don't know if I want be with her.

"Where is this coming from?" He asked.

"I got in the car to go home and I don't want to. Like I just didn't. And it's not that I don't wanna be a father because I love that little boy and I'm excited for these babies but I just don't look at her the same and I don't know if I'm gonna be man enough to tell her that. I wanna go back to New York. I just want to be in her space." I admitted.

"I'm gonna be honest. I love you and Amari together, but when you told me her plans for the whole abortion thing I knew it wasn't going to work.
I remember when Yani tried to take Gia away from you. You didn't speak to her for damn near a year, but they never stopped you from being an amazing father. I see this as the same thing." He said making me think. He's been there through a lot of me and Yani's problems. He definitely offered an overall for the active that was appreciated.

"Well i'm gonna have to face this shit head on huh? I didn't move this girl in today's house and I don't know what to do. I think I moved too fast." The fact that the matter is I couldn't even look her in her eye. I think that knowing that I was the only one that was truly excited for these kids bothering me the most.

"Yes you have to. And I'm not saying that you should go in there and tell her to pack her shit and get out but you have to tell her how you're feeling. And you most definitely have to address the fact that she was comfortable enough to call that girl..." he replied. Having a conversation is something that I definitely think I can do. In my head I was going from one extreme to the next and was preparing to tell her that the relationship was over before even trying to see if it could be repaired.

"I know why she called. She knew I was going to see her in New York. The last time Hadiya and I were together... the shit was amazing. It was like I didn't have any responsibilities. I didn't have to think too hard or need to be somebody that I felt like I wasn't. We stayed in bed for what seemed like days." I reminisce over the town we spent together. At that point I just felt, good.

"Tell me this. If she wasn't pregnant right? If y'all just had a regular argument, a normal falling out and she went to DC or whatever and fucked her baby dad what would your next move be? Yeah she's a woman, and a woman from Texas so let's say she has those babies get yourself back together and still go to focus on somebody else. Then what?"

"We are done." I said confidently.

"Exactly. So that means if that would've happened to you and the relationship will be over then y'all's relationship should be done and over with now right? But she is fighting. I'll give her that?" He says slightly switching up his stance.

"Yeah." I said.

"You still want to fuck that girl huh?" He asked.

"Unfortunately." I said softly. I hated myself because there wasn't much stopping me from making my way to where she was.

"I can't though. Not right now it's just not going to be right." I said standing up. I began to get a little antsy as my head filled with thoughts.

"Go home. I wouldn't say have the conversation at the house though..."

"What the hello am I supposed to say?" I asked.

"How do you feel?" He asked starting the conversation over.

"Like I need some space. Like none of this would have happened if she would have... if I would have left her alone in the first place." I admitted. The fact of the matter is when I wanted something, and it could be anything, I was going to get it. I saw her and I wanted her but she just wasn't willing give me all of her.

"I should have left her ass alone man." I repeated growing more and more angry at myself.

"I'm not saying that but if that's what you fell then it's understandable." Kyle popped in.

"I'm just going to be the best father I can be. It's time for me to be selfish and move on." I came to the confusion I wasn't going to be able to be in a relationship with her.

"I acknowledge that it was her choice and I was just gonna have to be OK with it with whatever she did but I think it was her changing her mind that pissed me off. I can't do it. Like I can't do us. I can only be a dad" I finished.