Komorebi -namjin

19- we're all a little sad

The morning, to put it blankly, was bad for Seokjin.

If being nagged at by Jimin and practically rejected by Namjoon wasn't enough, he also forgot he had work today and was running twenty minutes late. And Jimin was arguing with Jeongguk about the younger boy's addiction to smoking weed.

"I'm not addicted!"

"You literally always smoke it, Gguk! And honestly, I don't want you bringing drugs in my house anymore!"

"Why are you up my ass today?!"

"Because if you want to smoke that shit, you can do it at your own place!"

"You're being fucking pissy for no reason!" Jeongguk had yelled at him, stomping away to his room and gathering as much of his belongings as he could. Jimin said that knowing that Jeongguk had no place to stay. He was practically on the streets unless he went to his parents' house and he hated being there.

Hoseok had even came out of his room, confused. He didn't know what was going on or why Jimin was so mad today. But he watched as Seokjin hurriedly slid his chef jacket and work shoes on while Jeongguk and Jimin continued at it. And it got worse.

"If you keep smoking that shit, eventually you'll want something stronger and then you'll become addicted to crack or pills! This shit isn't healthy, Gguk! You're an addict, you need help!" Jimin huffed, following Jeongguk back into the living room as Seokjin opened the front door.

"I'm not a fucking addict!" Jeongguk nearly screamed. Seokjin could see the tears in his eyes. The boy had a backpack stuffed with whatever of his belongings that he could fit, and in his arms was his laptop and gaming equipment.

"You are! Ever since you've been hanging around those friends of yours, you haven't been the same!"

"Fuck you!"

Seokjin ended up having to drop Jeongguk off at his parent's house, making him even later for work. Jeongguk was teary eyed but he didn't cry. He was silent the whole ride. The older male was actually worried for him, though. Jeongguk doesn't like being around his family so for him to request to go there was a little off putting. Plus recently, he was smoking more often. It was concerning and as his friends, they just wanted him to be safe. Yes, Seokjin did partake in the drug induced candy and he can admit that it was wrong, but it was his first time. Unlike Jeongguk who gets high often.

Jin just hoped that Jimin doesn't find out that he and Namjoon were also high last night.

When he finally got to work, he was beyond stressed out. The kitchen staff were messing up food and he had to step in and take the irritation he felt out on them. He never yells at his staff but today, he couldn't help it. It was one of the busiest days too and customers were complaining. The line cooks were messing up orders and the dishwasher was behind on his duty. Everything was just hectic today.

On his break, he checked his phone. He only had a text from Hoseok asking if he could stay the night at his place. Whatever was wrong with Jimin was affecting everyone and it would be so much easier if he could just talk to them. That way they can help him. But he tends to bottle his emotions up until it all bursts out, like today.

And...Seokjin was expecting at least a text from Namjoon but he didn't get anything. His chest ached. His heart ached. It ached all day but work was a nice distraction from it. They'll talk. He's sure Namjoon will understand himnand they'll talk and go back to normal.

When he got off late at night, nearly midnight because of how busy it was, he was exhausted. Mentally and physically. He met Hoseok in his parking lot of his apartment and they both entered it together, took off their shoes, and went to Seokjin's room. They cuddled and laid in silence. Hoseok's head rested on Seokjin's chest, and Seokjin's hand was in his tattered hair. From brushing it, he can tell that Hoseok had been neglecting his self care. It made him sad but he didn't want to euin their silence. The cicadas were loud tonight, probably because the weather was getting warmer. At some point, probably fifteen minutes later, Hoseok spoke up.

"I hope Jimin is okay."

His voice is softer than normal. Seokjin wraps an arm around him.

"Me too," he whispers in reply.

Jimin having random outbursts wasn't uncommon, but for him to behave like this, is quite strange. Especially since he took most of his anger out on Jeongguk. The boy isn't a saint, but he never fought with his friends. He was usually the one begging them to stop arguing, not the one being in the argument. Judging by how he reacted today, he was hurt by Jimin's words.

"Hobi?" Seokjin's voice is quiet, probably under a whisper. Hoseok hums in reply, pulling the blanket up higher over their bodies. It's been a while since he's had any intimate connections with his friends and it was clear that he needed this. And Seokjin knows this.

"Are you okay?"

The question is vague. It's simple, even. An easy response would have just been "yes" or "no." But somewhere in Hoseok's jumbled up mind, the part that couldn't differentiate sex and gender, he knew he wasn't. He's far from okay. So far that he might even fall off the line of being okay to being mentally unwell. The fact that he's had this unsettling feeling in his stomach since he was 16 was enough to drive him insane. No amount of therapy could fix it because if was something that he had to fix himself. And similarly to Namjoon, he isn't ready. Part of him believes he'll never be.

The same part that forces his mind to call himself "he." Hoseok isn't sure why he does, but it doesn't feel right. Hobi never really felt right in this vessel humans call a body.

He wants to vent about it but he knows Seokjin won't understand. The only other person who can relate is Jimin, and even then, he can't bring his problems to him. No one knew about the breakdowns he's had within these last few weeks, and he knows that they probably won't have time to console him anyway.

He saw how Seokjin sulked after work. He saw how he sluggishly kicked his shoes off and immediately fell on his bed with a sigh. And selflessly, because when is Hobi ever not selfless, he decides to lie.

"I'm fine, h-hyung."

For some reason, it was harder for him to say the word "hyung." When he usually feels stuck in that random place on the gender spectrum, he wouldn't call anyone older "hyung." It was something that Jimin started and he decided to try it as well. But Hoseok knew that if he didn't call Seokjin 'hyung,' then he'd immediately know something was wrong.

"What about you?" He asks after a pause. "Are you okay?"

He feels Seokjin take a deep breath, hold it for a few seconds, and then release it. "Lets go to sleep."

Hoseok allows him to ignore the question.