Komorebi -namjin

21- what are we waiting for?

It's...awkward. He doesn't know what to say. What he should say.

The line is quiet. He can't even hear him breathing on the other end and maybe he's a bit grateful for that. Things like that would only bring his mind back to their heated phone call a while ago. It'd have him wanting more than what he already wants. And that's Namjoon.

Seokjin lets out a sigh, beginning to regret answering the phone. He was in the middle of cooking lunch for himself and Jeongguk who begged him for a meal. Since staying with his parents again, he hasn't eaten much and Seokjin couldn't just let the boy starve. He may not be his parent or gaurdian but Jeongguk needed someone to look after him, especially now.

He's always high. At least, recently he is. Seokjin can see it in his eyes, how they're always unfocused and dialated. It breaks his heart to see him in such a depressed state but there was only so much he could do. He can only tell the boy to stop, he can't physically force him. Jeongguk is passed the point of getting high occasionally, he does it everyday now. And unfortunately, addiction is something that only the person dealing with it could tackle. Seokjin just hopes he doesn't seek out other, more harmful drugs.

"How...have you been?" Namjoon questions slowly, as if he's testing the waters. Seokjin assumes that he had gotten tired of the silence. He was never one for radio noise. The quieter a room is, the louder one's thoughts are.

It's weird, but Seokjin has to think about what to say. Usually, he'd answer this question with an, "I'm fine, and you?" But that's dismissive and completely untrue. So he reflects on how he's been, how his mental health has been. He isn't in the best place mentally, but he isn't in the worst either. Jeongguk is doing a lot worse than he is right now, and Hoseok might even be worse than Jeongguk.

So honestly, he isn't fine. He's stressed and overwhelmed and unmotivated. He can barely find the energy to get up for work every morning, can barely cook for himself anymore. He doesn't have the urge to sit in front of his computer and play games in his free time. He's been in a grey area. The only reason he decided to cook is because Jeongguk walked all the way from his parents house to his just for a meal.

"I'm not okay." He utters out.

There's a pause that makes the silence seem longer than it actually is. Seokjin leans against the kitchen countertop and closes his eyes. In the living room, he can hear the television quietly playing some old cartoons that Jeongguk must've fallen asleep to on the couch.

"How have you been?" He decides to ask. Maybe Namjoon has been better without him. Maybe he's gotten all the time and space he needs and is ready to be in a committed relationship. Hopefully. He misses him like crazy.

"I've been decent." Namjoon answers.

Decent. Better than "not okay" but still less than good.

Deciding to keep the conversation going, Seokjin asks; "When is your book coming out?"

Namjoon doesn't respond immediately. He's probably surprised that he even remembered that he was working on a book. But he's usually always writing something, whether it's music or poetry, or a story. Namjoon loves to write. It's his escape from the world.

"I'd have to actually submit the full written draft, get it edited, and talk with an illustrator about a book cover first. I'm not even halfway done writing it and my deadline is approaching."

Seokjin bites down slightly on his bottom lip in thought. He knows how much Namjoon loves writing and for him to not have his book nearly finished when a deadline is approaching is strange. He's usually very punctual.

"Why?" He asks.

He hears Namjoon sigh. "I...I've been struggling with motivation. I don't have my muse anymore."