Gambit (Obsessions in Overdrive #2)

Forty | Love Like You

Helping conceal a crime is throwing me off my rhythm. We've been back in Manhattan for a few weeks now and my mind has turned against me as I eat every thing I can get my hands on.

My mouth is constantly full of food. I struggle to even swallow it as I don't give myself time to chew.

I feel like I'm constantly surrounded by empty bags and wrappers, the evidence of my binge scattering around me like a battlefield aftermath. Bite after bite is a temporary escape, a fleeting moment of satisfaction in an otherwise bleak existence. I am overwhelmed by a profound sense of emptiness. The guilt of Noah and the calories still weighs heavy on my chest, crushing me beneath the relentless pressure. Yet, even as I vow to stop, to regain control, the insatiable urge within me claws at my resolve which forces me to continue down this path.

I know I've gained weight as I'm afraid to step on the scale. I've never been so ashamed before and now I know that no one will believe that I'm sick if I look this way. There's this constant urge to be sick, but I can't stop eating.

The food that enters my body always has a number attached to it and it still doesn't stop me. I just want to run to my pantry and stuff my face with the first thing I see to get rid of all my feelings. It's the only way I know how to cope.

Everything that has happened that night is so suffocating that I almost missed Indra's birthday.

Thus, I decided to throw her a surprise party to celebrate her and to get my mind of that night. There is every chance she hates surprises, but I felt compelled to do something for her. Besides, no one should be alone on their birthday.

I asked Indra what her plans were for tonight and she said she had to waitress. Waitress? On her birthday? I don't think so which is why I called her boss and told him that Indra isn't working tonight under his orders. He didn't want to agree at first until I wired him a few bucks.

It is also the Fourth of July, also known as my favorite holiday. I love the loud fireworks, the colors and the parade. I look forward to this holiday every year.

And we surprisingly didn't fuck up the cake. It looks like a decent birthday cake. The cake is frosted with light pink frosting by using a butter knife and then colourful sprinkles were just thrown everywhere on it.

In my defense, Atlas was left to design the cake since Nida and Ravi were only able to come to Manhattan an hour before she would arrive while Dylan and I had to start decorating the apartment. We don't have much time to finish decorating since she should arrive any minute now.

We agreed to tell Indra that I was throwing a Fourth of July party at my apartment tonight and we pretended to have no idea it is her birthday. The party isn't necessarily big. I invited our friends, a few of her co-workers, and some people around campus she knows. I didn't invite Cathrine and Ethan has not been at the apartment in days which I'm grateful for.