Previously known as The Accident
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She is beautiful. So fucking beautiful. She is a star and I would become an astronomer for her and I would study for the rest of my life and I would bleed, sweat and cry day and night just so I can underst...
The following chapter contains graphic depictions of bulimia and body checking, which some readers may find disturbing.
Reader discretion is advised.
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I don't eat. I don't sleep. I barely talk. I thought it would help. It didn't. It made everything worse. Now I blame myself for this pain. Throwing up every time I try to eat is not a pleasant feeling, but this will help me.
As I stare at myself in my bathroom mirror, I can't help but pick on every single flaw. I'm disgusting, I can't even stand to look at myself. Twisting my torso as I pull at my skin and wishing I could cut it off with scissors. I haven't eaten in days, but I still see no change.
I wish for my arms to be bigger with muscle and not fat. I wish for my skin to be clearer, my stomach to flatter and toned. I wish for my teeth to be white and straight instead of being stained yellow from cigarettes and purging.
Yes, I do feel hungry and I won't even try to deny it.
As I put the jeans I bought in January on, I keep my eyes on the mirror to see that they still fit the same. It's like I haven't lost any weight. Slipping on my t-shirt that I recently got, I stare at my arms and question if I actually want to wear this or a hoodie to hide every physical feature of mine.
I've been wanting to wear this t-shirt for a long time now, but the longer I stare at the mirror, the more I realise how ugly it looks on me. I quickly decide to go for the hoodie instead therefore I don't feel like everyone is watching me and try to rip my skin off for the rest of the day.
I sigh, moving away from the mirror and towards the kitchen to see Dog laying by his food bowl as a way to tell me he's hungry. When his eyes land on me, he immediately gets up and runs towards me with his tongue hanging out. "Hey, buddy." I scratch his head, watching his tail wag aggressively.
My apartment building is fine with people having pets as long as they are small and don't make much noise. However, Dog doesn't fit into the category as he is the size of a bear and sounds like a dying whale when he barks. If my landlord finds out he's staying here, I'll probably get kicked out of the building.
I quickly feed Dog his pebble before I open the refrigerator in search of something low in calorie so I can make through classes without passing out which makes my brain go into overdrive.
Do you really think you deserve to eat? You are insane to even consider eating something so high in calories. You haven't eaten in three days, you can go hungry for a little longer. Your stomach is growling, that's a good thing.
I drop my head, gripping the refrigerator door and feeling uneasy. "Dude, are you going to eat or not?" Ethan asks as he walks out of his room. "You've been staring at the fridge for a long time."
"I- I am." I tell him as my eyes go back to the refrigerator and the nerves come back. I just need to eat something. "There's just nothing to eat." He quickly comes to my side and looks into the nearly empty refrigerator. There's a half empty bottle of Vodka, two low fat yogurt cups, dozens of free sauce sachets from takeout and a lot of energy drinks. "You're right," he says. "I'll just order us some pizza for breakfast."
