Just a Little Bit of Your Heart

Prologue

You deserve what you tolerate.

I knew about it pero para akong isang gamo-gamo na handang magpatupok maranasan ko lang na minsan mahalin ako kahit konti ni Archon.

Pinalaki ako na best nina Mama Mondi at Papa Ahmed, they gave all the best in the world sakin pero mas pinili kong mamalimos ng pagmamahal sa isang lalaking iritang-irita sakin mula pagkabata.

Is there a psychological explanation on that?

Yung kahit alam mo ng masasaktan ka pero you gladly welcome it, you still pursue it, kapalit ng pandaliang saya.

I still remember the 22-year old desperate Debbie last year.

"Arch... use me. Gamitin mo ako para kalimutan siya. I won't ask for any return."

He looked like I am crazy but I was able to pursued him.

"Angkinin mo ako para makalimutan siya. I will help you forget her even just for a night."

That night, I surrendered my body, heart and soul to Archon Blaine Marasigan. It made me happy for a while dahil natupad ko ang isang sa pangarap ko, ang minsang angkinin ng lalaking pinapangarap ko.

Unknowingly to our parents, we started a fuck buddy set up. Wala nakakaalam sa pamilya namin na doon na ako umuuwi sa condo ni Archon and we are living together for a year now.

It was a secret rendezvous.

No one knows about us. Kaya noong wasak na ako, wala akong mapagsabihan kahit ang bestfriend ko na si Kaia at Kaye, na kapatid ni Archon.

Hindi nila alam na ang dahilan ng pag-iyak ko madalas ay dahil sa kuya nila.

I offered everything that I am last year when Isla broke him, when she chose her dreams of becoming a model internationally than marrying him. Isla is the youngest daughter of Tita Belle and Tito Sandro. Archon and Isla are in relationship since tumungtong ng disiotso si Isla. They are in 4-year relationship when Isla broke up with him.

Ang kaibahan namin ni Isla, ang pangarap niya ay maging sikat na modelo habang ako, ang pangarap ko ay si Archon, pangarap kong mahalin niyaa ako nang kahit konti simula pagkabata.

I still remember all the silliness I did para pansinin niya lang ako pero imbis na pansinin niya ako mas lalo lang siya nainis at lumayo sakin. Walang katapusang paghahabol at pagpapansin.

I always give him love letters. Ang alam ko kung hindi niya sinusunog ay nasa basurahan. Ni hindi niya man lang binabasa.

I learned how to bake noong nalaman ko na mahilig siya sa peanut butter brownies. I bake him all kinds of brownies all throughout my highschool. Pero lagi ko lang nakikita na binibigay niya kila Archer at Kai.

I only stopped when he courted Isla.

I remembered na natulala ako noong sinagot siya ni Isla. They knew about my feelings about Archon pero sila Tito at Isla, akala nila it was just a phase, a childhood crush.

Pero isa lang ang napatunayan ko, it was never a childhood crush, it way more deeper than that. Hindi naman siguro kikirot nang husto ang puso ko tuwing makikita ko sila. But I learned to live with pain, laging nakangiti kahit nasasaktan na.

Tinatawanan ko nalang ang sakit. Minsan tinotorture ko pa ang sarili ko na panoorin kung gaano kasweet si Archon kay Isla. He was like a different person with her, he's soft and smiley.

So opposite when he's dealing with me, he's cold, always brooding at laging gustong lumayas sa presensiya ko.

Naiinggit ako kay Isla pero hindi naman ako galit. Hindi naman niya kasalanan na mahal siya ng lalaking mahal ko.

A year with our fucked up set up.

Maraming beses na may nangyari samin, obviously. He was my first in everything. Akala ko magiging sapat na yun para matutunan niya akong mahalin at kalimutan si Isla pero nagkamali ako.

Isla come back last week.

And I realized that Archon never wants me to be his official girlfriend because he is waiting for her.

Para akong sinampal ng reyalidad, na I will never be enough, that I will never measure up to Isla.

Pampalipas oras ako habang naghihintay siya.

That I was just a prelude to their happy ending.

He was never kidding when he said he won't love me, na hindi niya ako matutunan mahalin. He warned me that when we started our set up and I still went for it.

Kaya kahit na durog na durog na ako... Kahit mamamatay na ako sa sakit, wala akong karapatang magreklamo because I settled for this.

And I was easily discarded like I was nothing.

Na parang hindi niya gabi-gabi inungol ang pangalan ko.

Hanggang saan ang kayang kong gawin just to get him love me.

Alam ko anytime now, mawawala siya sakin. Ramdam na ramdam ko ang pagbitaw niya. He was now colder though lagi naman siyang cold sakin pero ngayon ramdam ko na iniiwasan niya ako.

Hindi pa ako handa.

Pero everything comes to an end.

"Deb, we need to end this..."

Isang araw na sabi ni Archon. A month after Isla come back.

"Bakit?"

I knew the answer but I refused to acknowledge it. I will never be ready kapag sinabi niya na he's choosing Isla over me. Because for the million times, someone got choose and not me, lagi nalang ganun. You know what fucked, pinasok ko ito na alam kong si Isla padin.

Ni hindi ko siya kailanman napalitan.

Kahit ata magtumbling o magcartwheel ako sa harap ni Archon, it will always be her.

Hindi siya makatingin sakin.

"Tell me, Archon."

"I wanted to court Isla again."

"Hindi mo ba naisip na baka iiwan ka niya ulit? Na baka sandali lang ang pag-uwi niya."

"She'll stay here for good."

"Kaya ganun ganun nalang, Arch? Iiwan mo ako? Ginawa ko naman lahat ah. Ano pa bang kulang?"

"You're not Isla..."

"Oo! Hindi nga ako si Isla. Si Debbie ako! Si Debbie ang nasa harap mo. Ano bang meron si Isla na wala ako? Try me... Baka kaya kong gawan ng paraan, Arch. Please, huwag mo naman akong iwan."

"Deb... I am sorry..." He said sincerely. Kitang-kita ko ang awa sa mga mata niya habang nakatingin sakin.

"Kahit konti lang, Arch. Kahit konting pagmamahal lang, please. O kahit walang pagmamahal, huwag mo lang akong iwan. I need you now.  Ngayon kita higit na kailangan..."

"Debs... alam mo simula palang na temporary lang ang set up natin. I could not give what you want, I told you and made it clear from the very beginning."

"So, talagang pampalipas oras lang ako, Archon?" Mapait akong ngumiti. "Tanga ko, ano?" Hilaw akong tumawa.

"I am sorry, Debs." He said sincerely.

"It's all on me naman eh. Pinaniwala ko kase ang sarili ko na baka kapag nakasama mo ako, mas makilala mo ako nang personal baka magawa mo din akong mahalin. I forgot the most important detail, hindi nga pala ako si Isla. Buong buhay kase ni Archon si Isla lang ang nakikita niya, ang mahal niya. Kaya sino ba si Debs? Bukod tanging extra sa love story niyo."

Ang pait ng panlasa ko kasing pait ng nararamdaman ko.

"Don't worry... Ibabaon ko sa limot ang lahat ng nangyari satin. Kakalimutan kita at maghahanap ako ng lalaking mas higit kong mamahalin, mas higit sa pagmamahal ko sayo."

I, Debborah Vivion Dela Merced, had only one wish.

Just a little bit of his heart.

Too bad... it will remain as a mere wish.