Finding Family

Faye: Wedding

Hi, just a heads up that the writing style of this part doesn't fit with the style of the previous or subsequent chapter as this has been added retrospectively.

This was my second attempt at a wedding, and this time I felt infinitely more confident that it was going to end well. 9 months of pregnancy followed by 9 months of parenting was definitely a long while of difficulty to see if someone was willing to stick by you and Mick had passed every one of the test barriers I'd set in my head. Not that after how delicate and caring he'd been during my pregnancy I'd ever been too worried about him breaking me and my heart, I wasn't really too sure he'd know how to begin, I think he's just naturally the sort of person that loves almost anyone - I was just the special one that he loved most. It also felt like he was near enough my best friend. Of course we'd had disagreements, especially with the sleep deprivation we'd both had for a few months, but we'd always sorted ourselves out and never fallen into any bad habits. We still deeply loved each other, he was still capable of making me feel all warm and fuzzy and happy just like he always had. I was so excited to finally call him my husband. I couldn't sleep though, instead I was too busy being a mix of nervous, excited and guilty. I was nervous that this could go the same way as last time I'd been married, I didn't think it would, but the worry was still rattling in my head telling me it could. The excitement was of course that tomorrow I got to marry my best friend. And guilt. The guilty feeling was there a lot again now my time and thoughts weren't so consumed by Benjamin, and it was naturally because of Evalynn. Tonight I missed her a lot and no matter what I was thinking about she kept crossing my mind. I wondered yet again what she was like now, where she was, whether she still had those pretty golden curls like I had as a child. Whether she still looked like my twin or if that was just a toddler phase of hers. More importantly though tonight I was being plagued by thinking about her and Mick. Would Mick like her if they one day got to meet? Would she like him? Would she be mad I had another child and got married but never went to find her? I didn't know, it still crushed me to realise I didn't actually know my daughter. That no matter how much I let myself dream and think about her I really had no idea on anything about her. I needed to escape my thoughts, just for a while, so shuffled out of bed as quietly as I could and headed downstairs where I was least likely to wake either of my boys.

I was tempted to make myself a cup of tea to calm myself down with, but then decided better of it knowing it would probably just wake the boys up, so instead sat downstairs and tried to just breathe deeply in the hope that would do the job. It didn't work too well. So instead I chose to do something I hadn't done since before my Steps audition. I decided to go for a completely non-functional midnight walk. Living in London it had never felt safe enough to go out walking alone at night like I'd so loved as a teen, to start with because I was a young woman, then later because of being famous, so it was nice to think here I was comfortable enough that I could. Finding my shoes, keys and mp3 player as quietly as I could and slipping one of Mick's big fuzzy coats on to keep me warm and give me comfort, I hoped I hadn't woken either of them up as I snuck out the house.
I didn't entirely know where to go, so headed almost on instinct I suppose, to the big bridge, not for any sinister reason but because I loved to sit up there where I could see out across most of Sunderland. The view sort of just reminded me of when we were in our teens and my sister and I used to go sit at the top of the Downs and look out across Dunstable. It was also on the route to the lake where I liked to take Benjamin to see the ducks. The bridge was probably only 10 minute walk away, but walking in the quiet winter night helped me clear my head. When I got there I looked out across the town, but kept getting distracted by the stars. So for a while I stood, staring out at the stars, hugging Mick's coat closer around me because it turned out to be colder than I expected.
"I hope Evalynn, wherever you are, if you're ever awake thinking about me you see the same stars." I whispered. Imagining Evalynn wondering about me made me cry again, especially given her foster parents had refused contact with me earlier in the year. If they hadn't she'd of been up here, I'd be able to be holding her in my arms this evening, and she'd be at the wedding tomorrow. But the idea that somewhere in the country she was looking up at the same sky as me was something of a comfort. "One day my princess I will find you. I'll get to see your gorgeous face again and hold you in my arms for as long as you'll let me. I promise us both that. And that way you can meet Benjamin and Mick. I hope you'll love them both a lot too. I hope wherever you are you know that mamma loves you and misses you so much." I continued as I let my tears go. Then, having let all of those feelings out, I just stood there, leaning against the barrier, crying and looking out across Sunderland, singing quietly to myself as I'd discovered I hadn't brought any headphones for my mp3 player.
Eventually I walked myself home, let myself into the house as quietly as I could, locked the door, returned everything to its right home, climbed into bed and curled up against Mick. He groaned and shifted a little as my cold hands touched his arm, but remained asleep. My secret midnight walk would remain a secret.