Finding Family

Evalynn: The end of Summer

Every summer is the just the same. Every year since I'd been living as Evalynn Goodwin we'd done the same thing. Every summer I go round most of my relatives (well foster relatives) and spend time with them. Every year we do it in much the same order. Every year relatives who weren't really mine would swoon over me and tell me how much I'd grown since last year, ask me which school year I was starting, tell me stories about when I was little that I'd heard a thousand times (or more). And every year it got a little bit more tedious. But this year, to add to the mess this always was, it didn't feel right. I knew these people weren't family - I had for a while - but now I knew mamma this just felt wrong. Mummy Amy, Daddy Ian and I had decided we weren't going to tell other members of their families just yet, because there was no point upsetting them with the idea I was going to move away. Because there was a very real, very considerable risk, that even now I knew mamma I'd still be here long term. Partly because she was a pop star, but partly because I assumed the process would be long and complicated.

I missed Mamma. We'd messaged often during the summer, but it just isn't the same as talking. And even if we had spoken on the phone it's not the same as talking to someone who's physically there, where you can see their excitement or hug them when they were sad. I wanted to spend more time with Faye, but she was busy with family in her break from Steps right now in much the same way I was, so the opportunity had never shown itself. And with me starting Secondary school next week, well it was becoming ever more unlikely I was going to find time to get to go see my mamma before next year.

Today though was my back to school shopping day, and I'd been dragged into the town centre to buy my new school uniform. Such are the joys of starting Secondary School, a whole new set of uniform, new rules to get used to and new people to avoid falling out with. We walked past all the primary school stuff, which came in such a variety of colours you could probably make a rainbow out of them all, and into the section for Secondary Schools. I looked round the Secondary area of the shop as we walked into it. There were blue blazers, red blazers (as far as I knew both of those belonged to the grammar schools, both my foster sisters had worn blue to grammar school, though I hadn't been allowed to apply), lots of the normal schools seemed to have black blazers, and at least one school had green. Then there was my new school, who wore grey. Grey blazers and grey skirts or trousers. Well at least they were easy to find.
"What school are you at deary?" Asked one of the women who worked in the shop.
"Oh no it's okay, we've found the right one. That's the joy of the grey blazers I guess." Mummy Amy replied, holding up two different sizes. I knew she'd be trying to work out what size I needed without asking me to put it on. The problem we would find was my usual one. Yes I was tall, but I was really skinny. Sometimes the family friends would call me Beanpole as a joke, but they weren't far wrong.
The shop woman looked between the two blazers, then moved onto examining me before she spoke. "I would have said you want to go for the bigger one, that way she can grow into it over the next few years."
Mummy Amy looked between the two blazers again. "Lynn, do me a favour and try on this one." She instructed, passing me the larger of the two.
I stuck it on over my top, did up the buttons and fiddled with it awkwardly. It was too baggy and hung awkwardly in all the wrong places. Then I tried on the smaller one, and while it was more comfortable it still felt wrong. I told Mummy Amy, and she just told me that was a normal problem with blazers. Being fair I remember Charlotte and Katie had both hated theirs too, so I concluded she was probably right.

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After endless amounts of poking and getting me to put on PE kits we found one of those to fit me as well, we brought the smaller blazer and the PE kit and left. We were heading back though town, Mummy Amy running through her check list of things I needed, when we found Charlotte.
"Oh I was about to message you to see if you were still in town." Charlotte said, joining us. "Did baby Faye find some uniform?" She teased me no end about the Faye being my mamma thing, calling me baby Faye whenever she got a chance.
"We did, she's going to look so smart dressed up in her uniform." Mummy Amy replied.
"Well she won't look like a blueberry like Kate and I." Charlotte replied with a grimace.
I tried not to laugh, knowing the colour of their uniform had been a sour subject in our house for a while now. Then Charlotte broke into a talk about the film she'd been to see with her friends, and I decided I didn't really care much about their rom-com choices.

We made it back to the car and Charlotte was somehow still talking about her friends, and I wished I'd been allowed to go see Mia and Ash today instead of doing this. We got in the car, and I sung along to the song playing on the radio to try and drown her out in my head. When that failed to work I struggled to get my phone out the pocket on my shorts. Should I text Faye or would she be busy? I mean I wasn't completely clear with what the set up for this end of the tour was like, I just knew she had some shows at the end of August. I shrugged, she normally managed to reply quickly, and when she didn't she'd always reply eventually, I guess when she could snatch a minute free away from the people around her. I decided I'd message her anyway.
"I start big school on Wednesday and I'm scared. I mean I'm going up with Mia and Ash, but still it's scary! I hope you're all doing okay. Love you and miss you. x"

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She didn't reply immediately, but when she did she told me 'big school' was nothing to be scared of and asked if she could call me. I knew I didn't have anything to do, so I agreed, and a few minutes later my phone rung. I answered immediately.
"Hi!" I said, suddenly at a loss for words. She might be my mamma, but in my head she was also still my favourite celebrity, which made communication difficult. I grabbed Faye Bear from further down my bed and took hold of Josie's arm too.
"Hello." She replied softly. "How are you, other than nervous about school I mean?"
I cuddled Faye Bear closer. I might not be able to hug my mamma but I could certainly hug the bear named after her. "I'm fine. How are you guys?" I replied.
"We're all okay. Ben and I both miss you, which actually brings me nicely to my next point. I'm thinking of organising a meeting between us and your social worker, do you want me to do that?"
I bit my lip, took hold of Josie and pressed her close to me. What if it was bad news, like that she didn't want any more contact with me? "I'd love to see you again. But why?"
There was a moment of silence. "I wanted to ask you a few important questions, but Maria... oh is that her name? Anyway she's been at me for not doing this all 'officially', which means I'm not allowed to tell you. It's okay, it's a nice thing." She said.
I breathed a sigh of relief. "Okay, do you know when it'll be?"
I faintly heard Faye sigh down the phone. "No. I wish I did so I could tell you, but I'll organise with Maria, because she'll be able to tell me what days are best."
For a few moments there was silence between us. "Mamma?" I asked.
"Yeah Evalynn? I'm still here if that's what you're wondering about." She replied.
I smiled to myself again. "No, it's just... it's nice to hear your voice again that's all. It's nice to hear you talking specifically to me."
"Aww Evalynn you're adorable and I love you so much." She said.
I smiled even more. "Most specifically that. I love hearing you say my name, and that you love me. And mamma, I love you too." I replied.
She laughed softly for a moment, and then sniffed. It was hard to tell for sure over the phone, but I was fairly sure I'd just made her cry. "Evalynn my baby girl. I can't understand why I didn't do this sooner. And I love hearing you say I love you as well." She said gently after a moment.
I smiled to myself, and brushed away a stray tear as I noticed it. "You told me why, and it made so much sense. I'm just happy you're in my life again now."
Faye responded with a soft laugh, before I heard a little voice. I couldn't make out what they were saying, but I heard Faye's reply. "I'm talking to Evalynn. Do you want to say hello to her?"
There was a brief moment, I assumed where Ben nodded, before he said anything. "Hwello Evvy!" He said. Ever since that initial meeting he'd been calling me Evvy apparently, and I'd taken to calling him Benji, mostly as my personal little pet name for him.
I grinned to myself. "Hello Benji. How are you?" I replied.
He made a sound I kinda guessed was laughing. "I okay. How're you?"
"I'm good too!" I replied.

The moment was interrupted by Mummy Amy calling up the stairs to tell us all it was nearly time for tea.
"I love you two soooo much, but I have to go for dinner in a minute." I told them.
"Aww but I miss you." Ben said. I could imagine his little pout, the same as he'd done when I'd had to leave when we were at Westonbirt.
It made me sad, but I had to. "I know I miss you too, but I hope I'll get to talk to you again soon."
"Ya."
I blocked Benjamin out of my head for a moment. "Mamma I love you, and I'll see you soon. Can you send my love to Mick please?"
"I will, I love you and hopefully I'll get to see you soon Evalynn." She said.
"Bye" I said, brushing tears from my eyes. I wondered when the next time I'd hear her voice would be. Probably at that meeting she wanted us to have.
"Bye baby girl." She replied. Then the call ended.
I smiled through the tears. No matter what happened at that meeting I was going to get to see my mum at least one more time, and that was a massive positive.