Finding Family

Faye: Failed plans

Hi yes this part includes a flashback and I'm so sorry.

Once again I found my ideas relating to Evalynn and me actually carrying them out were incompatible. Somehow, given I had the summertime off from doing Steps stuff, every one of my relatives decided they needed to see me, Benjamin and Mick, which meant that by the time I'd had a few days of not seeing anyone who I didn't share my house with I'd all but run out of time for doing any 'me' stuff. Which included spending a few days with my daughter apparently.
"Aw come on Faye, you know you want to see her. Xx" Lisa texted me back when I'd told her about it.
"I might want to, but given how my life goes every time I plan to organise something with Evalynn, someone up there has it out for me. x" I replied.
"Well then tell that someone what you think of them and do it anyway! Xx" She replied.
I sighed as I looked at the message. "God I wish it was that easy. x"

On the day I'd spent with Evalynn I'd taken an adorable picture of her and Ben holding hands, which I'd since set as my lock screen on my phone (which had needed a little help from Mick). Most people who I spent enough time with that they'd notice my lock screen already knew about her, so I didn't worry that people would see. The only problem was now it made me a little bit sad every time I looked at my phone, because I didn't feel like everyone was together knowing she was so far away. I knew that one day my family would be whole again, I just had no bearing on how long that might take.
I was drinking tea with my mother-in-law as my phone buzzed and a message popped up, and I glanced at my phone to see who it was. It was Evalynn, which didn't help me not want to cry (which had nothing to do with Helen, she was lovely, but it had a lot to do with knowing she was a part of the reason I couldn't see Evalynn).
"Sorry, I'm just having a bit of a weird day I think." I said as I brushed my thumbs under my eyes to wipe away any stray tears.
"Oh?" Helen replied. I knew what she was implying, but it wasn't going to happen. I had two little kiddies, even if only one of them was her grandchild.
"No I'm not don't worry." I said, answering the question I knew was in her mind. "It's just... I've had a right weird year what with Steps and little Benjamin and... you know... all that." I cut myself off just in time before I brought up Evalynn. I wasn't explaining that to her right now if I could help it.
"Awh bless ya." She said, putting her arm around me.
I smiled. When I felt fairly sure she wasn't looking I checked my phone to see what the start of the message was.
"That picture's cute." Helen said. "Wait, who's the beautiful little girl?"
Benjamin, who had done a very good job at quietly arriving in the room, took one look at my lock screen and smiled. "My big sister!" He said.
I bit my lip as Helen looked at me. "She looks quite like you. Especially the old pictures of you." She said after an uncomfortably long silence.
"She's mamma's big little kid, what she lost." Benjamin added proudly.
I then felt like I had to explain to Helen, because she looked quite confused. I took a deep breath and concluded it was best to start at the start. It was a story that both my real family and my Steps family knew, so it was only right Mick's family did too, especially as they were going to get tangled up in the next chapters as they unfolded. "A long while back, well about twelve years ago, I was married to a different guy, and I got pregnant. We didn't see each other much, because he was in an unsuccessful rock band and I was, well I was in Steps, and our free time at home didn't line up that often so it took me a while to get to tell him..."

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I was sat on the floor of mine and Lisa's room crying when she walked in and found me. To her credit she didn't miss a beat in joining me and getting straight to the point. "What's the matter?" She asked.
I took a deep breath and tried to calm my shaking, getting the test out of my pocket. "You know how everything in my body's been weird for the last couple of weeks? Well... I think I found out why." I told her as I passed her the test.
"Are you... You're... you're pregnant?" Lisa asked, hardly having to look at the test to work it out.
I nodded. "It's fine, it's Jasper's.. at least I think it's Jasper's... but we hardly see each other because of our bands and... and well, if I have a kid in a few months time, it'll ruin all this."
Lisa put her arm round my shoulder and thought for a moment, knowing I was in no state to rationally do that for myself. "I guess it's too late to suggest a morning after pill. Did you... you know... use... protection? Sorry..."
"Yep, that's why I didn't even consider I might be pregnant until Claire suggested it. I guess it musta failed or something." I started sobbing into my hands again, angry at myself for not taking my own precautions.
Lisa pulled me in closer to her and shhhed me softly. "It's okay, we'll figure this out." She whispered.
I nodded. "Yeah. It'll be fine."

Lisa must have texted Claire, as the rational one of us three girls, because a few moments later there was a knock at the door and Lisa instructed her to come straight in.
"Okay Faye, what's wrong?" She asked me.
"I'm pregnant." I told her. I felt stupid and I couldn't even talk louder than a whisper, let alone look her in the eye.
"Oh god okay." She replied. "We have to try and keep this from getting out the group too far, otherwise god only knows the rumours that will occur. Who else knows?"
"Just you and Lisa. I can't tell Jasper because I almost never see him and I haven't told my parents yet because I don't know what to do. And I don't know, it just doesn't seem right telling the boys."
Claire nodded. "Right, well, there are options about this. You could have an abortion..."
"No." I said firmly. "Sorry, I just couldn't. Come on Claire I can't kill a spider, let alone a baby."
"If you don't think of it as a baby, because lets face it right now it's not, could you?" Lisa asked.
I shook my head. "I just can't because I'd know wouldn't I. I'd have to live with that forever. Plus my aunt had one and it made her really ill."
Lisa and Claire looked at each other. "Well that limits your options down a bit. You'll have to keep it for now, and then see how you feel. But if Steps are still going you're going to have to seriously consider what you wanna do, cause babies are a huge commitment." Claire told me.
"It's okay, I can get Jasper and my parents to help me. And my sister, she'd love it." I replied.
"Yeah, alright, but it's something to think about nearer the time." Claire said. "After all things can change, and with the travelling we do there's a risk... well you know." I knew what she was implying, and I greatly hoped that it wouldn't happen. I wanted the baby, as from that moment on that's what it was, to be okay, I wanted to look after them. It would give me a way to keep a foot in reality despite it all.
"What ever happens Faye, we're here for you okay. We're family." Lisa said, noticing how close I was to crying again.
I nodded. The three of us were basically sisters, and I knew that no matter what the next nine months and beyond held I would keep them filled in on everything.

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At dinner that evening Helen kept looking at me and smiling, and I wondered how long it would take her to tell Paul, or if she decided it was better kept between the females. I'd been quite personal about it, talking in places in great depth, especially about the day I'd given Evalynn away, and it had made me cry. Fortunately I'd only managed to get though the basic "Look I had a boyfriend and we had a kid" part before Mick had come in, apologised for Benjamin walking in on us, picked up Benjamin and had then left, so I knew he was safe from knowing the sadder, more adult, parts of the story for now. I knew one day I'd tell him, but it was unlikely to be for another few years.

After dinner I finally got round to reading the message from Evalynn. "I miss you! I'm going to see my foster aunt and it reminded me of our conversation about your sister. I forgot how to spell her name and I don't want to get her confused with Steps Claire XD
Love you always. Xx"
I smiled as I read the message. I desperately wanted Clare to meet Evalynn, then again the same extended to most people who knew about her. Lisa, Claire, H, Lee and my parents also made the list, and as I thought about it I realised how weird it was that my parents had never even met their granddaughter. Hell I wasn't even sure they knew if she was still alive. They knew of her, knew she'd been born and that I'd given her away, but I never talked about the fact I still communicated with her. And having been the only people in my life to have met her, the Steps lot were the only ones (besides Mick, Benjamin and now Helen) who knew that I'd met her recently. It probably wasn't a position most grandparents found themselves in. I concluded when we went to see them next week I'd tell them, and my sister, they all deserved to know.
"Awh Ev I miss you too! I promise I will make arrangements for you to come see me at some point soon. I wanted to during the summer, but apparently everyone in my family wanted to see me.
And I love you too. X"

I didn't know if she'd text back, but I had a Benjamin to worry about bathing and getting into bed, so he took priority.
"Mamma, why are you sad?" He asked me as I tried to get him to stay still so I could put on his pyjama top.
"I just miss Evalynn that's all." I replied as I managed to get the top over his head.
"But you said you only met her recently, and that you miss her before."
I took a deep breath. "Well yes, but I missed her ever since I lost her, and now that I've found her again I miss her more. It's a different type of missing now."
He looked at me and shrugged. "Owkay. Can you read me a story?"
"But it's not quite bedtime."
He grumped but went downstairs again anyway.

I'll probably include a couple of other flashbacks in Faye's chapters to explain more of what happened between this flashback and the first chapter of the story.