Finding Family

Faye: Preparing to tour

I looked around at the stuff I wanted to pack and realised that I might need another bag out. I'd always been good at packing to go on tour before, but it appeared I'd lost that ability when I'd had Benjamin. There was more stuff, different stuff, that took priority now to before. I didn't care so much about mascara and different hair styling stuff, I cared more about taking pictures of Benjamin and Mick. Maybe because I was older now and I realised that there wasn't anything more important than family really. But also maybe it was because I hated myself for spending so much time away from them, although I usually hid the fact because Lisa had it worse. Meaning at least my family were here in England so I could see them, rather than in another country. I so wished though every evening that I was at home, that I could hold Benjamin while his hair dried and play silly little make-believe games whenever he wanted. The long train journeys home meant when I did get home he was already in bed and I could usually do nothing more with him than check in to give him a little kiss on the head. Not that after full days of rehearsals I'd ever particularly have had the energy to play around as much as I would normally but getting to spend time with my little boy when he was awake would be nice. And, even though we were already somewhat used to the being apart thing, I did want to spend real time with my husband rather than the stolen late evening moments we got where we both knew we should be sleeping.
I knew I needed to get over all my petty problems with the others, but I really hated Claire for being so dramatic about needing to leave her kids to go on tour. Some of us had been leaving their family to do other things for as long as we'd had one. And sometimes that did mean I hated myself, especially given I'd been doing it constantly for near enough 11 years. Because I didn't want Benjamin to grow up and not know his mamma like Evalynn was.

I sighed as I stared at the pictures and the jumper I'd stolen from Mick's side of the wardrobe. At least for a few days Benjamin and Mick were going to get chance to be with me on the tour bus. That'd be nice for all three of us, even if I knew that Benjamin would be too young to remember it very well. It did, at least, make me feel less guilty about it all. But that didn't change the fact that tomorrow morning I'd have to leave home before he even woke up. But there was a positive, besides me doing what I loved again, doing this tour had taken my mind off worrying about the Evalynn situation for a while.
As I rummaged around in the bottom of my wardrobe for my fuzzy slippers I reserved for wearing in hotels, I found her box of things and smiled sadly. I probably should just give up on trying to find her now. She was probably happier with parents that weren't always going on tours or away for work for weeks at a time in other ways anyway. I did pick up one thing from the box as I reconsidered my thought of leaving her out my life - a second platted leather bracelet, the one that matched the one I'd attached to my little backpack back before the Steps split. I'd never bothered to send her the other one, because without me bothering to explain it to her she'd probably never understand what was special about it. Not to mention I had no idea if she even got my presents and notes. She'd never written back or sent me anything. I thought about packing it, on the off chance this finally gave me a chance to see her, but decided against it. There was no point getting my hopes up when I'd likely just get let down again, this tour had a big enough risk of doing that to me without factoring in Evalynn. I did pick up the silver heart locket though like always, just because it was something to remind me of her. For the other two it was easy enough, I had my rings as a physical reminder of Mick - I only took them off when I had to - and a little, conspicuous, silver bracelet I'd recieved as a mother's day present "from Benjamin" back in 2010 that was easy enough to wear whenever I needed the little something.

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When I'd left early this morning it hadn't felt like leaving, it had felt like running away. I'd kissed Benjamin's forehead before I'd left, brushing his hair back off his face, and kissed Mick hard on the cheek when he'd given me a grumpy look while half-awake when my alarm had woken him up. I think I'd have felt really guilty if I didn't, and it definately wouldn't have helped the running away feeling. Aside from that I'd deliberately tried not to wake them up. I'd made it to Heathrow where I'd found the others, and had immediately had to try not to roll my eyes at the fact that Claire had, of course, brought her children to say goodbye to her. But when Daisy had looked up at me with her cheeky little smile, I found it impossible to be mad at Claire for bringing her kids, and had lifted the tiny girl up.
"Hi awnty... mmm... Faye!" She said.
"Hello Daisy." I replied. I was relieved that at least Claire's kids weren't calling my fairy yet, that was still confined to just being Lisa's.
She grinned at me, and I found it impossible not to smile back at her. My natural parenting instincts kicked in and I tried my hardest not to tickle her nose or anything silly like that I would have done with Benjamin.
"Daisy you aren't upsetting Mummy's friends are you?" Reece asked.
I looked over at him, tempted to ask what she might be doing to upset people before realising I was stood with her in my arms. "No she's fine." It wasn't entirely a lie. I liked it, liked feeling the deep set maternal urge to look after a little being holding any child gave me. Plus I always got a fleeting few moments of joy from holding Daisy or Star because it allowed me a chance to imagine holding toddler Evalynn, another of the things it broke my heart I never got chance to do.
"Well when you four are ready." Our manager called sarcastically.
"As much as I'm loving this Daisy, I think you need to go say bye bye to your mummy. Bye bye." I said to Daisy, before putting her back down on the floor.
"Bye bye awnty Faye." She said, before toddling over to her mum.
I looked round for Lisa, aware that seeing Claire's kids the last time had set her off crying, headed over to her and hugged her from behind. "It's okay Liza. You'll be fine."
She pressed my hands against her chest. "I know, its not long until they'll be coming to see me." She said, wiping away a few stray tears with her other hand.
"Exactly. You'll be fine until then, because you've got us crazy lot." I said. "Oh and if you really need to exercise that maternal instinct we always need someone to keep an eye on H." I joked. I knew he wasn't going to get grumpy about me joking about him because he wasn't here. And I'd done by far enough 'H-sitting' when we'd done that musical together. It was someone else's turn, at least part time.
Lisa laughed. "Oh yeah, I could do that. I'm sure it can't be much more difficult than looking after a two year old."
"Don't get too confident about it or you'll end up with it as a full time job." Lee teased.
All three of us laughed. As much as we all loved being back together, a part of the fun of being in Steps had been the relentless teasing we'd done of each other. It had mostly been done (and taken) as jokes, though every now and then it did get to a point you wanted to slap the person teasing you (which was usually in the form of me or Lee wanting to hit H).

When Claire finished saying her goodbyes we headed through the gate and into the airport, ready to go across to Belfast and actually begin the reunion tour we'd all been so excited yet nervous to put on. The tour that after this we'd decide if Steps had a future, or if this was actually going to act as some kind of a goodbye tour, which would be ironically once again without us saying it. But for now, the purpose didn't matter; all that mattered was that we were back together, and we were getting on well enough to go on a tour, and we were going to show the world (well the country) we were still able to do what we'd done best all that time ago despite the 10 year break and obvious life changes that three of us had experienced (admittedly the boys had changed too, but not in quite the same way). Just this time it was minus my crazy hairstyles and, hopefully, the fighting within the band.

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The first show went well, although there were problems with the audio and timings. We'd had trouble with actually singing live as well, because it was our first time doing that for full shows on a tour, plus the numerous other problems, like Claire's vocal problems right now and the complex choreography we'd had to learn. But, despite it all, when we all went out together afterwards, a first for us, and having each had a few drinks we were able to laugh it off. I'd been worried that Lisa and I were going to be 'too mature' to get pissed in a hotel bar now we both had children, but we weren't. And I regretted it when I remembered tomorrow's 8am wake up call. Although it was preferable to the 7am I put up curtesy of Benjamin with when I was at home.
In fact, as a whole, everything was going great until we made it back to the mainland. Because when we made it back to England we were on night 3 and everyone began to do the whole "we don't really know each other well enough any more and now we're living in each other's pockets" fighting. But it was right, we didn't know each other well enough any more to live in such close proximity for so long. And touring usually fuelled fights rather than fixing them, which was exactly what it was doing. There was tension, and the last time we'd had any of that it hadn't ended well. And to top it all Lisa was ditching us today because Benjamin, Charlie and Daisy were meant to be joining us. But ignoring Lisa's obvious annoyances about the presence of three of the children it was exciting, this morning my little boy was meant joining me on the tour bus, and I was so looking forward to getting to hug him again and hear him talk what he'd done since he saw me last.

My sister waved at me across the room and I grinned. Mick was busy at work this time, so this first time my sister had been charged with the job of coming with me to look after Benjamin while I was busy. Benjamin looked across the room at me and waved, bouncing with his excitement but wisely choosing to stay with Clare. I rushed across the room and lifted him up, I hadn't realised until I'd looked at him how much I missed him generally.
"Heya Baby boy." I said, holding him close to me.
"Mamma!" He squealed, and grabbed a tiny handful of my hair. He still did that, even now he was older, and I still adored it.
I smiled at my sister and mouthed thank you to her before turning my attentions back to my son. "Did you miss me while I was away?" I asked him.
He nodded. "Yah."
"You going to come on the bus with mamma and her friends?" I asked. I glanced round the room. "I promise to tell Uncle H not to be scary." I added as a whisper.
He looked at me, and let go of my hair. "ehhhh... Yah" He replied.
I looked at him and kissed his forehead. "Come on then." I replied, and carried him across the room towards the door. He could toddle over there himself if I'd of put him down and held his hand, in fact he was more than capable of it without holding my hand and I knew that I just didn't want him to not be close to me just now. But I knew the time I had with him over the next couple of days was limited, even without the fact that when we got to Manchester in 3 days time he was going home again, and I didn't want to put him down even for a moment until I had to. I could be Faye the mother and Faye the pop star and I had to prove to myself I was capable so I could think about finding Evalynn again. But just then she didn't quite matter the same way. Because for a brief time both of my worlds were aligned and I was very happy.