Your Ring On My Skeleton

32 : Haunting Thoughts

Even though I was hesitant to let come and go to where Ignis is laid, I mustered the strength that are left in me. I am still not ready to see him in this situation where he can't even breathe normally because of his fatal wounds. Even though I was prepared due to the time given for me while they are being healed by the healer wolves, I just cannot seem to and will never be ready. Muli akong lumingon kay Nikolai nang makahakbang ako ng ilang beses. Sobrang natatakot ako. Sobrang nanghihina ang sistema ko. I can see Biya and Shawn's different reactions. I know for sure they have far different conversations with themselves inside their heads.

Nikolai smiled at me. A weak one, yet it gave me strength. He signed me again that everything is going to be okay. I heaved a sigh and then walked to where my Ignis is. Paglapit na paglapit ko pa lamang sa kaniya ay agad nang gumuho ang sistema ko. I cannot stay standing for too long because my knees are the weakest right now.

"M-mahal,"

Even my voice is weak. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko titingnan ang kabuuan ni Ignis sa ngayon dahil sa sobrang dami ng tama niya. I can see open wounds that were stitched multiple times, wolf bites, and deep scratches. Even his breathing, I can hear them heavy.

"Mahal ko," I said. I then tried holding his hands. They are warm. The second it moved gently like it was holding my hands back, my tears fell. "Hi, mahal. Hi...I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't protect you just like I promised you. I'm sorry,"

Humagulhol na ako habang hawak-hawak ang kaniyang kamay. Hindi ko na napigilan ang bugso ng aking emosyon. All these months that I have prayed that his death is untrue all along was heard. It is the first time I believed that wishes are true and that I am never a curse to begin with. The rumors of my unlucky red eyes are not true because my love is alive and breathing. He is holding my hand back...fighting for his life.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, mahal ko." paulit-ulit kong paghagulhol.

Wala akong pakialam kung panay pagtangis ang ginagawa ko habang halos lumuhod na sa kung saan nakahiga si Ignis. I'm thankful and too sad at the moment. I'm so happy and wounded at the same time. Mabuti naman at hinayaan ako ng tatlo na umiyak lamang. Hinayaan nila akong manatiling nakakapit sa kamay ni Ignis.

"You're not the alpha, after all." I heard Shawn mocking Nikolai. "Your Luna's heart isn't yours."

I did not have the energy to look at them and see Nikolai's reaction. I did not want to see it on the first place. Wala akong balak na masaktan din sa mga sakit na ipapakita ng mata niya dahil alam na alam kong mahal niya ako. I know what it feels to love, and I know what love does to us. Pain, grief, selfishness, madness, and every possible emotion in the universe.

Love seems like a universal complexity of unexplainable emotions.

Ilang minuto rin ang lumipas ay natigil na rin naman ako sa paghagulhol ngunit hindi ko pa rin binibitawan ang kamay ni Ignis. Biya even gave me a chair to sit on to so that I won't get tired from standing. Panay paghalik lang sa kamay ni Ignis ang ginagawa ko at pagpapasalamat. He has wounds all over his body and his face seems to swell a little, but it never changed. He is my same Ignis. He is my same love.

"Antara," mahinang pagtapik ni Biya sa balikat ko ang naramdaman ko mamayamaya. "You should eat your dinner. Alas siyete na ng gabi."