Memories || Bucky Barnes

Chapter 6

I sat outside the Smithsonian all day but no sign of Bucky. So, I went back the next day. And the next day...

He will be here, I know it...

I went every day and sat there from opening to closing time. However, after the 5th day, my hope started shrinking.

Maybe he doesn't want to remember. Maybe HYDRA's last people found him... Maybe he couldn't take it anymore...

I take a glass out of the cabinet and I pour myself a strong drink. As I finish it, there is a knock on my door.

Steve...

I open the door without checking, but it is not Steve on the other side.

"I'm not here to hurt you" he says immediately. "I just want to talk" he adds.

It's Bucky. I think.

He keeps his head down and avoids looking at me. His posture doesn't seem defensive, more like sad and apologetic. And it's the first time that I hear his voice. It's lower and shyer than I remember.

"Just to talk?" I ask.

He nods.

"Ok..." I let him inside and I shut the door.

He stays by the door and I return to the kitchen to pour myself another glass.

"I saw you in the museum today, so I followed you here" he admits

"Why?" I ask, staying by the kitchen counter to keep the distance between us

"Because... I want to apologize" he answers

"For what?"

"I remember that I hurt you".

I clench my jaw. "How much do you remember?" I ask

"Everything since they messed my head for the first time. Anything before that is a blur".

I nod.

I look at him up and down as I'm trying to cope with the fact that he is standing in front of me but it's not quite him. I have missed him so much. I want nothing more than to touch him, to hold him, to kiss him, but I can't. I can't...

"I'm sorry" I say as I look down and I try to stop my tears.

"Can I ask one thing?"

"Sure"

"Were you my wife?".

My heart drops and I lose my breath for a second. More tears form in my eyes.

"Your name is Emily, right? That's what Steve called you the other day"

"Yes. You remember Steve?"

"I read about him in the museum. And I saw your name there too. Next to my name, I think, it said 'Wedded to Dr. Emily Barnes in 1941'. So are you...?"

"Yes" I confirm

"I'm sorry I can't remember"

"It's not your fault. And you don't have to worry about it, we're both presumed dead so I don't think our marriage is still valid" I remind him.

"Maybe legally, but I can't imagine this is easy for you" he says.

I don't answer. I look up and I try to blink away my tears.

"Is it ok if I just..." I take a step closer.

He doesn't stop me so I take another one. I walk until there is only a foot between us. I look into his bright blue eyes and I tear up again. I lift my left hand slowly and I hover it over his shoulder. I don't want to pressure him but I can't stop myself.

He looks at me and nods.

With a shakey breath, I rest my hand on his right shoulder. I rub it a bit with my thumb, feeling that he's real. After almost 70 years, he's standing in front of me again.

But he doesn't know who I am. He doesn't remember loving me. He doesn't even remember himself.

I turn my back to him and I cover my face with my hands. I do my best to not cry but a few sobs escape my lips.

"I'm fine. I'm ok" I say, without turning to look at him though

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah" I answer.

"I am really sorry. I want to remember but..."

"You know what? I might have something that could spark some memories... I have kept the letters we've exchanged while you were away at war. I had kept yours and Steve brought me the ones you've kept after the incident. I can give them to you if you'd like" I explain

"Ok" he replies

"Great, give me a minute to get them" I say and I go to my room.

But as soon as I close the door behind me, I slowly slip to the floor.

Don't cry. Don't fucking cry! He doesn't need hear this. He is in a very fragile state. He shouldn't think his visit hurts this way.

I wipe my tears and I drag myself to my bed. I pull the box from under it and I open it as more tears make their way down my cheeks.

I go through the letters quicky, since I pretty much know each one by heart, and I take out the few weird ones.
He shouldn't read those yet.

I wipe my tears again and I pick up the box. I return to the living room and he's waiting for me in the same spot.

He looks at the box as I give it to him, and I am careful to not touch him accidentally in case it triggers another breakdown.

"We used to write quite a lot, and some of them are also from your sister. No time pressure though, and don't feel obligated to read all. But if you get tired of them, even after reading one or two, don't throw them away, please. Bring them back to me" I ask

"I will"

"Thank you. Is there anything else I could do?"

"No, it's... Thank you for this".

"Of course. And if you need any help, you know where to find me" I remind him.

I want to keep him here. I want to never let him go again. I want to never let him leave my sight again. But he isn't ready for that and I can't force him into something he doesn't know. He needs time and it is killing me that I have to let him walk away again.

But some times, if you love something, you have to let it free no matter how much it hurts you.

~

The next day, I called Steve and told him what happened. I tried to explain to him that Bucky needs space and time right now, but he got upset because I didn't tell him earlier. I understand that he too misses him but he can be pressuring some times. 'You can do this', 'You got this', 'Try a little harder'. His motivational speeches while I am in a bad mood make me want to punch him.

I also went back to the museum even though I knew Bucky wouldn't be there. I just wanted to see him smile and laugh on that video they have playing in a loop all day.

Am I ever going to see him smile like that again? I have forgotten what his laughter sounded like...