Memories || Bucky Barnes

Chapter 32

Bucky's POV
We took the shied back from Walker, but by the time we did it was already too late. The serum messed with his head, and a loss drove him to kill someone with it.

Now Karli is MIA, Steve's shield has been tinted, and my family is falling apart. I've managed to screw up everything.

I haven't been home in almost two weeks. I called once and Emmy immediately passed me to JJ. She really meant that we are done.

But she was right. As much as it pains me to admit this, they are safer away from me. They've done well without me the last 4 years. I wish I could be part of them, but I'll always end up hurting them.

The past couple of months we've spent as a family were probably the best months of my life. But also the most stressful ones. Trying to not disappoint them and make up for the years I've lost has been exhausting.

We always wanted a family and I love her and JJ, but the situation is different now. We are different.

"I can hear the gears turning. What's going on in that big cyborg brain of yours?" Sam asks

"Personal problems" I answer and I throw the shield for him to catch.

"Problems at home? Is that why you stayed here last night?" he wonders.

I did stay here yesterday after helping him fix his family boat. He needed someone to do the heavy lifting.

"Well, you gotta get back at some point. I'm sure they miss you" he says

"I wouldn't be so sure".

"Seriously?" he chuckles as he catches the shield. "I've seen you and Emily together. I've worked with you. You two breathe in synch"

"Not anymore. Things are complicated right now"

"Are they or are you making them?" he asks. "I didn't see Emily being too happy when she saw me at the station with you" he reminds me

"She doesn't like you"

"Sure" he laughs. "But after all your history, I get it if she's not comfortable with you going into this again".

"She offered me the anti-serum, and then threatened to leave if I left the last time"

"And you did?" he asks surprised

"I couldn't stay. I love them, but I am not good enough for them"

"You're kidding. Emmy has done everything for you, and JJ is most definitely a daddy's girl".

I throw the shield to avoid the reply. But Sam catches it and waits for me. I sigh.

"I lost too much time that I have to make up for. So whenever I'm home, I'm in this constant panic to be as good as I can and do it as fast as I can. I tried. And at first, it was amazing. We were truly peaceful. But the more time passed, the more I discovered how much I've truly missed.

"Emmy was pregnant and she gave everything to be the best mom for JJ. I was just gone. I missed so many things that we used to talk and dream about for when we'd start our own family; I looked forward to seeing her belly grow, feeling our baby kicking, putting together the nursery, discussing baby names, supporting her through pregnancy and labor, welcoming our baby into the word, hearing their first cry, laugh and words -we had even bet on it back in the day-, rocking them to sleep, watching them take their first steps, teaching them how to ride a bike and play soccer...

"Instead it was all dumped on me out of nowhere. Don't get me wrong, I love JJ and I admire how fast she adjusted -because even when I wasn't there, Emmy made sure she knew me-, but I think need more time. I wasn't ready for this. Emmy thinks I don't care enough, however it's the opposite. I do care enough to do what's right for them.

"So yes, I left. I left because I was not good to them, and they are definitely safer away from me".

"Bullshit" he throws the shield at me

"I didn't expect you to understand" I throw it back

"I understand just fine. I understand that you are running from your own happiness. You said yourself that you were happy, but then left because you didn't think you were good enough? Guess what, now Emily is probably thinking that she and JJ aren't good enough to have your attention"

"That isn't true"

"Who told you you weren't good enough for them? Yourself? Maybe you need to go back to therapy"

I roll my eyes.

"Forget I said anything. I'm going back" I say as I pick up my backpack

"Home?"

"It's non of your business. Call me when Karlie resurfaces"

"I'm coming with you"

"No, you're not!" I reply, already walking away.

"I am just making sure you'll make it back"

"I don't need a sitter!"

"And I don't need you to be grumpy all the time".

~

He did in fact follow me back home. And I wanted to kill him all the way there. Especially when he spoke. This man doesn't know what quiet means.

Opening the front door, I was welcomed by JJ running into my arms. This always feels amazing.

The moment was cut short by the nanny coming in from JJ's bedroom. I haven't seen her in a while, but I guess Emmy needs extra help now that I'm gone.

"Where is mom?" I ask JJ

"At my school" she answers.

I look at her nanny for more information. "Dr. Barnes said she got a message from JJ's teacher for a meeting this evening. From what I got, I believe Ms. Rodes wanted to talk to Emily about some of JJ's recent behavior" she explains.

Recent behavior? Great, I'm already running this sweet little girl.

I thank the nanny, I pay her and send her on her way. Sam is still here for some reason and JJ seems to like him. Not surprising, she likes and trusts everyone.

I leave them together, while I step in the balcony to call Emily. My call goes to voicemail after a few rings. I try her again.

She picks up this time. There is silence on the other line.

"Emmy?" I say

"Hm?" she replies. I see I'm back on the silent treatment.

"I just got home and heard there was a parent meeting. Everything ok?" I ask

"Bucky..." her voice breaks this time and my heart sinks

"What's wrong?" my voice betrays my concern

"Trap..." she is struggling to speak, but she gets cut off by something.

I know that sound. The sound of a blade slicing through flesh. It causes her to gasp in agony.

"I wish it didn't have to come to this for you to understand that you need to stay out of this, Barnes. For the people" one of Karli's minions speaks on the phone now.

"You're dead"

"No, your wife is" and they hung up.