"When this is over, we're over with the fights. We'll make up for the lost time, and take our life back".
That's the last thing Bucky told me. Because in the next 10 minutes, he -and half the population- turned into dust. Dust. His alive and breathing body turned into dust.
But I haven't shed a tear. I have no more tears left. I should have expected this. The moment I get my hopes up, everything crumbles down. It is the third time that he slipped from me. It's comical at this point. This cannot be my life.
I know that the erase was random, but why did it take him? Why am I still here? Why do I get to live this hell again? I'm fucking tired...
I didn't want to leave Wakanda but Steve basically dragged me back to New York with him. To say I am angry is an understatement. He brought me to stay in the Avengers Headquarters with him and Natasha.
Natasha is an angel. She doesn't pressure me into talking to her about my feelings and, generally, she minds her own business. Captain Goodness, one the other hand... I get that he wants to help, but he should also respect our wishes some times.
Earlier, when I was heading to the kitchen, I heard him and Natasha arguing. But I didn't bother listening. I walked in, grabbed a chocolate bar and left. They continued fighting after that.
Now, quiet has taken over. And I'm out of food. I go to the kitchen but I don't find anything that speaks to me. I sigh and I grab a box of cereal. I put a handful in my mouth as I walk back to the room.
"Those are Steve's" Natasha says
"I don't care. He pissed me off today" I reply
"Just today?" she chuckles
"Today, yesterday, the day before that, the last 5 weeks--" I trail off
"Ok, I get it" she stops me. "At least he's not bothering just me" she says under her breath.
I am ready to leave to my room again, but I turn back before I take another step. "Maybe it's too quiet. How come he isn't here?" I wonder
"His optimism pissed me off so I kicked him out for the day" she answers
"Did he tell you to 'Look at the bright side'?" I quote him
"Yes. I have no idea how I held myself from choking those words out of him" she admits.
"Well, if it makes you feel any better, I murder him in my head every time he opens his mouth" I confess
"It does actually" she chuckles.
"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, that one pisses me off as much. What doesn't kill you makes you wish it had killed you" she says
"Three days after the... He implied I should consider myself lucky for not disappearing" I shake my head
"It certainly doesn't feel lucky..." she adds and looks up as her eyes start to glisten.
"Can I ask who you lost? You can absolutely not answer if you're not--"
"My sister, Yelena" she says
"I'm sorry"
"Me too".
She takes a breath and keeps her gaze away in her attempt to stop herself from crying.
"Wow, this has got to be the most we've talked in the last 5 weeks" she says
"Yeah" I take a seat across from her.
I offer her the cereal box.
"No, they are disgusting. I don't know how Steve eats these. And you now" she replies
"There wasn't anything else appealing enough"
"I have pretty good booze"
"And I have a metabolism that doesn't let me get drunk" I inform her
"That doesn't sound nice"
"Trust me, it's not. After everything that happened, I could easily be an alcoholic. Sometimes I wish I was, because I wouldn't have to remember and feel most. So, I eat in order to make at least one of my senses feel good"
"I get it. But those aren't gonna do the trick" she points at the cereal box
"Better than nothing"
"Ok, whatever" she gives up.
There is a small pause. Until she starts laughing out of nowhere.
"I'm sorry. It's just that... You're sitting here, and you're grieving for someone that I'm a bit relieved is gone" she admits
"No, I'm not grieving for the Winter Soldier. He is a program, designed to assassinate targets, including me. He almost killed me twice. But Bucky stopped him both times. He was still in there and he was able to override it both times. During the last two years, I sacrificed my own sanity and brought myself to my limits in order to help him get over it for good. Steve hadn't stopped pressuring me, calling me every week, which felt like a reminder that I wasn't being good or quick enough. He always asked about Bucky first before he wondering how I'm doing. I never pointed that out but it pissed me off.
"Despite all that pressure, I did it. I did it! I wiped that program from his mind completely. There is no trace of the Winter Soldier. He is dead and I'm the happiest person on Earth for it. I had my Bucky back without fearing that the other guy could be triggered. We were happy -we were us again- for one night and one morning. We spent 5 hours together in total. I could start hoping and dreaming again. And now he's gone again. I did everything for nothing. So, I'm grieving for my Bucky. I'm grieving for my dreams that got crushed once again".
I look up and I wipe my tears.
"I'm sorry. I know-- I am familiar with that feeling actually. Trying to do something good in your life, find something good to hang onto, but almost always end up losing" Natasha says.
I nod and there is a pause.
"You were right, these are disgusting" I toss the box of cereal away from me, trying to get out of the sad conversation.
She does me a favor and chuckles. I go back to the kitchen and I grab an apple as my last resort.
"You don't have to worry about me emptying your pantry for too long. I plan on leaving soon" I say
"To where?" Natasha asks
"I don't know yet. But I have to leave. I have to... I think I have to start moving on sooner than I first expected... Well, maybe not-- I don't know. I don't want to know yet"
"You lost me".
"It's nothing. Just don't tell Steve that I'm leaving, please. This is my own thing"
"I won't tell. But I'll need you to be checking in with me once in a while, like the rest are doing"
"Sure. And it has to be untraceable"
"I'll make sure it is"
"Great. I'm glad we talked".
"Wait--" she stops me from leaving
"What?" I ask
"You said you have to leave sooner than you thought and you want to stay off the grid and untraceable. Shouldn't you be tired of being alone?"
"I guess I've gotten used to it". Lie.
"You're onto something--"
"No, I'm not--" I chuckle
"Oh my God...".
She knows. She's a spy. She absolutely picked up on it and knows. Fuck...
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Memories || Bucky Barnes
FanfictionEmily and Bucky are getting married today. It should be the happiest day of their lives, but they can't be too happy. The newly married couple will be separated very soon, because Bucky is leaving for the war the next day. Letters keep their marria...
