Memories || Bucky Barnes

Chapter 15

It's probably been more than an hour since they brought Bucky in and he's still unconscious. But I can't bare to watch him and hope he wakes up him. Hope has destroyed me. There is no good in hoping because most of the time I'm being let down.

I've been sitting alone in the next room, drinking and crying soundless, while Steve and Sam are watching over Bucky. I'm on my 3rd bottle and I can't seem to numb the pain.
Stupid super metabolism...

I hear Steve's footsteps leave the other room and approaching mine. He doesn't say anything when he finds me, and I don't bother hiding.

"He woke up yet?" I ask

"No" he answers.

I nod and I take a big sip from my bottle, letting the alcohol burn my throat.

"I'm worried about you too, Emily" he says

"You don't have to. I told you I'm fine. I'm always fine" I fake a smile

"I disagree"

"I don't care".

He walks in further and sits besides me on the dirty floor.

"We might not be normal people, but that doesn't mean we stop being humans and having emotions" he reminds me

"I agree, we do have emotions. But we don't get to feel sad or lonely. We have to hide, and put our feelings away in order to help others"

"You're talking about Bucky?" he assumes

"Obviously".

"I believed you two were good"

"We are now. Or until this morning. But he..." my lip shakes in a sob. "The man I love most and the man I fear most in this world share the same body. And until this morning, I thought the second one was gone. I thought we were finally free. I was wrong. Not only he isn't gone, he almost killed me once again.

"It turns out I have been sleeping next to a ticking bomb for a year and a half now. But I can't say that to anyone, can I? I can't talk to him about my nightmares. I don't get to accidentally flinch to his touch because it will hurt him. I love Bucky to death but no matter how much I fight and sacrifice and bury down, there is no going back to a normal. Not for me, not for him, not even for you..."

"Yeah, I figured that a while ago"

"I should too, but I preferred to be delusional. And we were almost there, Steve. We had something, a routine. The last couple of months I felt like I could breathe again. We had finally started feeling like we are together again, and we were somewhat good and happy. But now it's like they pushed the restart button".

"He'll remember again"

"If it is like last time, he won't remember. And I can't do it again. I love him with all my heart but I don't have the strength or patience to go through all that shit again" I admit

"You should have let me in too. I would have helped you lift that burden. I will help you this time, we'll make it"

I chuckle "See that? The hope you have? The only reason you have it is because you weren't with him last year. You didn't see how much he was hurting, how frustrated it drove him from time to time the fact that he couldn't remember. You didn't have to suppress your own needs for him. You didn't feel the disappointment every time you told him one of your favorite memories of the two of you and he just didn't remember. Sure, the good moments are rewarding, but it isn't all sunshine and rainbows. I was a mess and I had no one to turn to. I had to be there for him and for me" a sob escapes my lips.

"Bucky would do anything for you. If you spoke to him, he'd want to know whether you're alright or not" he suggests

"He doesn't need to know. He needs stable and familiar in order to remember. He needs the good old Emily who had everything together. But I'm not sure for how much longer I can pretend that I have everything together".

I take another big sip, to prevent myself from crying.

"If he wakes up now and he doesn't remember anything... I can't go through it again from the start. But I also can't walk away from him. I vowed to be with him for better and for worse, but I don't have any more to give. I'm really lost here, Steve" I admit

"Whatever you decide to do, I'll be with him. He won't be alone. I'll make sure he understands that you need a break" he reassures me.

I nod and I drink again.

"It's really hard to hate you sometimes, Rogers" I chuckle

"Hm... I always wondered why you didn't like me"

"Well, pre-serum, you crashed most of my dates, you had Bucky running to save your ass everytime you got yourself into trouble. I felt like I was third-wheeling you"

He laughs "You? No, I was third-wheeling. I was afraid that you were taking my only friend away, because after you met, Bucky was ready to beat me up everytime I interrupted you two. You didn't like me from the start, and I felt threatened"

"Yeah, I was sort of preoccupation. When Bucky and I first started dating, Becca had told me that you two were glued to each other all the time and that I'd have to put a good fight to keep her brother interested, let alone make myself his priority" I confess

"You were always his priority, Emily. He always talked about you. He kissed your picture before and after every battle. He wrote to you so many letters every week, he didn't end up sending all because he didn't want to scare you off. He loved you more than anything".

"Loved..." a tear escapes my eye, but I wipe it quickly.

"He still loves you. You were the first person he remembered after 70 years of brainwashing. And then they brainwashed him again. And, you were the first person he recognized again and trusted. No matter how many times they wiped his memory or reset his brain, Bucky always remembered and fell in love with you. Everytime. He'll always remember and love you".

I don't reply. I don't want to hope and be let down again.

"Guys!" Sam calls.

Steve helps me up from the floor and I follow him to the other room.

"Emmy..." he whispers and my heart bursts.

I touch my chest and I take a breath. "Who am I talking to?" I manage to speak

"Emmy, it's me--"

"Don't. Who am I talking to?" I demand this time.

"I proposed to you in the worst way possible, two nights before I was supposed to leave for the war. You were washing your teeth, like every night, when I walked in the bathroom with you. Our gazes met in the mirror and you smiled at me, while you brushed. That moment I decided that it was time. I didn't want to go away and leave you hanging. I couldn't risk losing you. So when you leaned over to rinse, I kneeled behind you. You turned and laughed at me at first. Until you saw the ring and then you started freaking out" he smiles as he tells me the story.

I've never told him that story.

I take a step away and I nod to Steve. I turn my back to them as I do my best to ease the pain in my chest and blink away my tears.

"What did I do?" Bucky asks

"Enough" Steve answers.

"I knew this would happen. It was a matter of time. Everything HYDRA put inside me is still there. All he had to do was say the goddamn words...".

I turn to see Bucky, even more hurt than before.

"Who was--" Steve speaks but I interrupt him

"You knew?" I almost sob. "You knew he could come out at any time?"

"Yes" Bucky breathes out

"You said he wasn't... You let me believe...".

He knew his head wasn't right yet. He knew he wasn't free yet. He knew, but lied to me about feeling like himself again. I was fighting and struggling for nothing.

"I'm sorry" he looks down embarrassed.

"Excuse me" I step out of the room, and I collapse as soon as I'm out of their sight.