Memories || Bucky Barnes

Chapter 31

This situation went on for some time. Bucky and I acted normal around JJ, but when it was just the two of us, I avoided even looking at him. I stopped talking to him. I kept my back to him every night.

It's not easy, but I'm angry. I am forcing distance between us, because I want to be prepared in case I lose him again. I am slowly losing him. I can't do anything more to prevent it if he doesn't feel like cooperating.

The day after he was released from jail by Walker, he left for Germany, ended up in Madripoor with Zemo -the same man who tried to frame him for blowing up the UN. He only came back for a couple of days now because they don't have more clues.

I love him and I hate him so much right now. The entire situation is causing me problems at work too, because I'm zoning out very often. Every day, my brain keeps coming up with hundreds of new scenarios on how he's going to die, and how could I possibly to announce it to JJ without hurting her.

I can't even think of her sweet eyes getting red and filled with tears. She will keep asking me when daddy is coming home again. She is going to tell me that she misses him, I'll have to act strong for her, and then I'll silently cry myself to sleep alone. Alone.

My sight gets blurry from tears just at the thought of it. I try keep my cool as I cook dinner, but it was a matter of time..

The blade slices through the skin of my finger and I flinch, letting the knife fall on the floor.

"Emmy?" Bucky's concerned voice reaches my ears.

I forget about the knife on the floor and Bucky as I see the amount of blood coming out of the cut. I put my hand under running water, letting out a shaky breath due to the stinging.

Bucky appears behind me with the first-aid kit. I ignore him at first. He takes my wrist and pulls my hand from under the water. He grabs the bottle of alcohol and pours it on the cut.

I flinch.

"Sorry, sorry" he says as makes sure he got all of it covered.

Gently, he cleans the blood, so he can see the cut better. But it keeps bleeding. So he holds a bandaid over it until he can cut a better piece.

Eventually, he puts a new bandaid on top and wraps it around my finger. He secures it with the tape and checks his work before he releases me.

"Go sit down. I'll clean up here" he says as he picks up the knife from the floor.

I watch him clean up the drops of my blood from the floor, the counter and the sink, making sure he doesn't leave anything behind. Then he continues to cook the dinner I was working on.

"Take the anti-supersoldier serum" is the first thing I've said to him in days. "Please, Bucky. Let's be done with supersoldiers and bad guys before it's too late"

"I can't do that, Emmy. Not yet".

I look away nodding. Honestly, I don't know why I expected him to say yes.

"I did everything for you" I speak. "Everything! I stayed with you and helped you remember, while sacrificing my own sanity. I worked my ass of and healed your brain. I lost you for the third time, and still I forced myself to get up and do what's best for our baby. And I am going to continue to do that.

"Back in Wakanda, you said that it would be your last fight. Remember that? And just days ago, I asked you to stay safe for us, but you're clearly incapable of that. So, I'm going to give you one last chance. Stay from the bad guys before it's too late" I am basically begging him

"I am going out there so I can keep you two safe. I am fighting the bad guys for you" he replies

"No, you're attracting them to us. What will happen if one of them gets pissed and tries to get to you through me? Or worse, through JJ?"

"Don't bring JJ into this" he shakes his head at the thought

"Oh, I will. Because she doesn't deserve to lose her dad again, or get hurt because of his actions"

"I will not let anyone touch her or you"

"You can't guarantee that! I know you will do anything in your power to keep us safe, but I am scared. Every time I am outside I am terrified, Bucky. And I am so angry at the fact that you don't care"

"Of course I care"

"It doesn't seem like you do".

As the words leave my mouth, his phone starts ringing. I sigh and I turn away, letting him pick it up.

"What?" he answers the phone pissed. "Yeah... I'll be right there".

"Seriously?" I roll my eyes desperate

"Karli was located in Prague. I'm meeting Sam in the airport"

"You really didn't listen a word I said, did you?"

"I listened every word, but I am already into this. When this is over, I'll be home and I'll be done"

"I'm sure, until the next crisis breaks out".

He rolls his eyes at me which drives me even more mad. He walks passed me and goes to the bedroom. I take a few breaths and I grab a drink.

Bucky comes back to the living room a minute later, ready to leave.

"I swear if you cross that door, we're done for real this time" I threaten

He stops. "Really? After everything we've been through, you're giving me an ultimatum?"

"Yes. Because, maybe, after everything we've been through, we've turned out different people with different priorities" tears fall from my eyes as I admit this out loud.

Bucky steps closer, but I take a step back. "Alright..." he whispers to himself and turns to the door.

"If I suspect that one of these people approaches JJ, you will never see her or me again. And this isn't an ultimatum, it's a promise, James" I warn him.

He stops for a moment. "Maybe you should do that. That's going to be safer for both of you" he says and then the door shuts behind him.

He prefers to go out and let us go, over staying home. Why does he need to go out there? Are we not enough to make him want to stay safe? Are we not enough for him to feel whole? Did he have that bad of a time being a dad?

I fall to my knees with a painful cry and I break down alone. This wasn't supposed to happen to us...