The Surrogate

It's All Falling Apart

Britta pinches the bridge of her nose, that had been a phone call that she hadn't wanted to receive, how on earth Seb and Holly would take this news she had no idea. She sighs heavily, Seb's going to be busy with the team for another three and half hours, she's not sure if she'll be able to have a proper talk with him until the session is over but Holly....she'll definitely have to speak with her, the poor woman will probably be worried sick, that's if she hasn't already seen it with her own eyes.

"So that's it," Holly slumps back against the door, phone to her ear, having taken refuge in Seb's changing room, "I'm screwed."

"It might not be as bad as you think," Ester says, trying to make Holly look more positively at things.

"How can it not be bad?" she snaps, raking a hand back through her hair. She's on the verge of tears, stressed to the max and feeling like she wants to scream. "You know what they say, no personal relationships with the intended parents."

"But we do have personal relationships with them, we're having babies for them for fucks sake!" Ester argues back, "you can't get much more personal than that!"

"You know what they mean, getting involved, sleeping with them!" She slips down the door, until her behind lands on the floor with a soft thump, giving in to her tears as she adds, "falling in love with them."

"Holly," Ester sighs, "all you've got to do is let go of surrogacy and embrace a life with Seb. The man's obviously smitten with you, you've got a chance at having a really happy, perfect life, why aren't you grabbing it with both hands?"

That little girl is back in Holly's head, the one who's little heart got broken, who's never seen or heard from her mother since that day, who probably doesn't even remember who her mother is or what she looks like.

"Call the office before they call you, forget surrogacy now, tell them you want to stop, put yourself first for once!" Ester urges her.

Those terrified cries will never leave her, the guilt will never leave her. She can put it to one side in her mind and carry on as normal as much as she likes but it's always going to be there, it's always going to be lurking beneath the surface, like ghostly pitch black shadows just waiting to consume her. You had your chance and you screwed it up. You failed her, you wasn't fit to be her mother and you're not fit to be a mother now.

"Whatever's holding you back, let it go Holly, live your life."

Silence.

"Holly?"
"Holly, you ok?"

She brings her knees up as near to her chest as she can and tips her head forward, letting her tears fall on to her dress. Her phone falls from her hand and clatters on to the floor but Ester remains connected and can be heard trying to get through to her friend.

"Holly, what is it that you're not telling me? There's obviously something, maybe I can help."

Her heart is aching, it feels like part of it is still with the little girl who probably doesn't even know she exists. It's been nearly thirteen years since that day, just after her eighteenth birthday, and it's still as raw now as it was back then. Only now it's haunting her more and more, it's a memory that's reared it's ugly head, one that's never talked about to anyone and one that right now she's not coping with.

"I'm staying on the line until you either speak to me or end the call, I'm not leaving you like this." her friends voice can be heard.

With blurred vision she looks down to where her phone lays on the floor next to her, maybe it would be good to tell someone and Ester wouldn't turn her back on her. Seb though? She's pretty sure that he'd want nothing to do with her if he knew.